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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
saladcreamandegg · 26/08/2021 19:55

@Laladell I can understand that but unfortunately it was quite naive. The police have a duty to act. In future (hopefully you won't need to) but if it's just advise you're after you'd be better going to women's aid or something as they can support and guide but are duty bound to act.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/08/2021 19:55

I was hoping they may step in as he is a member of the health clubs and was threatening me at my place of work and saying he will see me there, that he owns the gym now, that he will see me at work etc
Oh, right. That's appalling that he hasn't been banned. Really terrible.

Queenoftheashes · 26/08/2021 19:56

Yes your employer sound disgusting tbh - is it a national chain?

Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:58

@Queenoftheashes

Yes your employer sound disgusting tbh - is it a national chain?
Fairly big about 160 in UK and a few across Europe too
OP posts:
RacistAngst · 26/08/2021 19:59

He did all this himself.

He is the one who has been banned from driving and is still using his van. He did this on his own and if he looses his house, this will be his own fault.

He is the one who broke your ribs, gave a black eye and decided to threaten you at your place of work. He is the one who decided to send you threatening messages. He did all that on his own.

If he ends up in prison, he will have done all that on his own.

RacistAngst · 26/08/2021 20:00

You can’t be the bitter ex btw.

A bitter ex is finding fault when there isn’t any. It’s nowhere near the case with you.

Chloemol · 26/08/2021 20:04

Let the police arrest him

They will look at the cctv etc anyway

Would you really want him doing this to someone else?

Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 20:06

@RacistAngst

You can’t be the bitter ex btw.

A bitter ex is finding fault when there isn’t any. It’s nowhere near the case with you.

Thank you so much... I just feel so guilty and I don't know why
OP posts:
Seesawmummadaw · 26/08/2021 20:13

Don’t worry about what you look like. He will look like the abusive violent ex that he is.

Don’t let him get away with it.

skodadoda · 26/08/2021 20:25

@RacistAngst

You can’t be the bitter ex btw.

A bitter ex is finding fault when there isn’t any. It’s nowhere near the case with you.

Print this in large letters OP and pin it to your kitchen wall!
Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 21:04

@Bagamoyo1

He blacked your eyes a couple of months ago?! He needs to be arrested.
Just feel silly cos I'm reporting it now instead of at the time
OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 26/08/2021 21:14

You don't have to report abuse at the exact time it happened. It was recently. And you're being abused so you are not thinking straight.

If he gets in trouble and there are repercussions, the only one to blame is him.

You don't look jealous, you look sensible.

Break free of this man's control. He's still in your head manipulating your thoughts, clearly Sad

Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 21:18

@BrilliantBetty

You don't have to report abuse at the exact time it happened. It was recently. And you're being abused so you are not thinking straight.

If he gets in trouble and there are repercussions, the only one to blame is him.

You don't look jealous, you look sensible.

Break free of this man's control. He's still in your head manipulating your thoughts, clearly Sad

Hi this is what my friend said to me earlier and it makes me so sad, she said I'm not the person I used to be since my relationship with him and she thinks this is why I'm struggling to do the right thing and let the police sort it. It's all just so sad and hard. I wish I had never met him 😔 he has ruined me
OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 26/08/2021 21:23

It might help to think of it with a degree of separation. If you read a news report about a random man who had done all this, would you not agree he deserves to be punished by the law?

What would you say if it was your best mate, sister or mum who had been treated like this?

Feeling weird about it is normal. You care about him and that's OK. What he did is very, very wrong. What he did is on him, not you.

I don't mean to alarm you but if he is capable of doing all this, he is capable of worse. Might be you, might be someone else.

You have value as a person and he deserves to be held accountable for what he did. Your feelings make sense, but please find your anger and help the police to do their job.

Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 21:52

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

It might help to think of it with a degree of separation. If you read a news report about a random man who had done all this, would you not agree he deserves to be punished by the law?

What would you say if it was your best mate, sister or mum who had been treated like this?

Feeling weird about it is normal. You care about him and that's OK. What he did is very, very wrong. What he did is on him, not you.

I don't mean to alarm you but if he is capable of doing all this, he is capable of worse. Might be you, might be someone else.

You have value as a person and he deserves to be held accountable for what he did. Your feelings make sense, but please find your anger and help the police to do their job.

Thank you 😔I don't really feel like a somebody now I just wish all this hadnt of happened and wasn't happening x
OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 26/08/2021 21:54

If you weren't already an ex in this situation people would be urging you to get away...you're already ahead. You've every right to a period of grief or 'bitterness' about what he's done.

Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 22:32

@Ilady

He is a horrible individual. He has broken your ribs and given you a black eye/eyes. He comes to your work place and gives you verbal abuse and treatens to do all sorts to you. Along with this he is driving when been banned. You don't get banned from driving for a minor offence. What happens if he has a accident when driving at the moment as he is not insured? I would let him be arrested. Being honest its his own fault if this happens after all the things he has done.
Thank you 😔 x
OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 26/08/2021 22:36

@PamDenick

Can you get done real life support? Perhaps contact Woman’s Aid? Read back what you have written and think about what advice you would give if this were written by your friend or relative…
Hiya the police referred someone from womens aid to me today but on the grounds of stalking and she was the woman who deals with incidents like that and she said she wasn't able to help as it wasn't like a stalking type of situation and closed the case. I just don't know who to turn to or what to do I feel so lost right now x
OP posts:
bamboocat · 26/08/2021 22:40

I just worry I will look like a bitter ex

No my love, you won't, you will look like what you are - an innocent victim of violence and abuse. None of this is your fault. He is a despicable individual who deserves to be locked up for what he has done to you.

Flowers
PumpkinKlNG · 26/08/2021 22:47

Good

melissasummerfield · 26/08/2021 22:52

@GreyhoundG1rl

Leave them to it Confused. Btw, when you say "work was useless", what exactly did you expect your company to do, exactly?
I worked in HR for a gym chain and If one of the members was harassing a team member they would be banned. Employers have a duty of care to keep you safe at work!
toughdaay · 26/08/2021 22:52

That doesn't sound right about women's aid but things may have changed since they helped me. They definitely dealt with abusive relationships several years ago. Can you contact your local women's aid and ask them? Maybe the police referred you to the wrong department.

CornishTiger · 26/08/2021 22:53

I hope they arrest him. I hope they charge him and the CPS take it for prosecution. Chances are they won’t.

Therefore I hope the police also put a domestic violence protection notice in place and a judge converts it to an 28 day order. I hope you then file for a restraining order.

I hope your employer sends him a banning letter due to his conduct and cancels his membership.

And most of all I hope you realise non of this is your fault and you work with a domestic abuse organisation on boundaries and self esteem building.

Driftingblue · 26/08/2021 22:53

You aren’t a bitter ex, you are a person who has been so abused that your entire sense of reality has been distorted. Please just let the police do what they need to do and don’t give it any more thought.

What you need to do is focus on yourself. I believe there are specific resources for women who have suffered domestic violence to help them rebuild themselves mentally and I’m hoping that someone will come on here with some links soon.

toughdaay · 26/08/2021 22:54

@CornishTiger

I hope they arrest him. I hope they charge him and the CPS take it for prosecution. Chances are they won’t.

Therefore I hope the police also put a domestic violence protection notice in place and a judge converts it to an 28 day order. I hope you then file for a restraining order.

I hope your employer sends him a banning letter due to his conduct and cancels his membership.

And most of all I hope you realise non of this is your fault and you work with a domestic abuse organisation on boundaries and self esteem building.

All of this. 👏🏼

Good luck OP. One day you will look back and not feel any guilt at all.

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