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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:

CornishTiger · 26/08/2021 22:54

Look up rights of the women website

CornishTiger · 26/08/2021 22:55

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/domestic-violence-injunctions/#A%20non-molestation%20order

Coffeesnob11 · 26/08/2021 23:07

I would recommend doing the freedom programme. It will help you understand the abusive personalities and give you support from other women in the same situation. You have done the right thing. Just because he has been arrested doesn't mean he will be charged. The cps will decide but it means he will come up on a clares law search in future.

Tulipmonster · 26/08/2021 23:07

I am so so sorry you’re going through this and that you’re feeling so guilty and lost about it. But when he’s texting you threatening to knock your teeth out, what are you supposed to do but call the police? This isn’t bitterness over something that happened months ago (which you are also fully entitled to report), it’s a current risk to your safety. I hope they throw the book at him and that you find the happy, guilt-free life you deserve xxx

Original poster

Laladell · 26/08/2021 23:29

@Coffeesnob11

I spoke to an officer on the phone they said they were looking at about 300 reported violent incidents about him... so it wouldn't suprise me if he already would show up

OP posts:

Original poster

Laladell · 26/08/2021 23:31

@Tulipmonster

Thank you so much I long for a happy life it just feels so far away right now 🥺 I wish I'd never met him I miss the person I was before I met him 😔 xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Laladell · 26/08/2021 23:32

@CornishTiger

I hope they arrest him. I hope they charge him and the CPS take it for prosecution. Chances are they won’t.

Therefore I hope the police also put a domestic violence protection notice in place and a judge converts it to an 28 day order. I hope you then file for a restraining order.

I hope your employer sends him a banning letter due to his conduct and cancels his membership.

And most of all I hope you realise non of this is your fault and you work with a domestic abuse organisation on boundaries and self esteem building.

Thank you 😔 I just wanna be happy again I feel so lost right now x

OP posts:

Weatherwax13 · 26/08/2021 23:38

Your friend can see your situation clearly. I think you should keep talking to her. She clearly cares about you, and sees the situation clearly. Maybe she can support you through this. Best of luck. That man is a monster. And this is NOT your fault in the slightest

PickAChew · 26/08/2021 23:39

Why do you give a fuck if you ruin his life? Do yiu think he had any concern about ruining yours when he beat yiu up?

Embracelife · 26/08/2021 23:42

He should be arrested and charged.
Why would you be beaten up and let him get away with it?

Verbena87 · 26/08/2021 23:48

When I was feeling guilty about someone else’s awful behaviour I stumbled on this quote and it did help a bit, even though it’s about writing rather than life in general:-

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

I think it’s the idea that your experiences belong to you, to share on your terms and nobody else’s.

You have done everything right. He has chosen to make terrible choices with the potential to ruin his life. Do not let it get twisted in your head.

Whysolong7 · 26/08/2021 23:52

Firstly, this isn’t on your shoulders now for the first time in ages this is for someone else to deal with.

The reason the police have picked this up is because an ex who has been violent to you is now harassing you and threatening to hurt you. Has has a track record of doing that so he is a threat to you. It’s the right thing that he is contained so you are not at risk.

This is not on you - it’s on him. He’s repeatedly been violent and this needs to stop now. You don’t need to feel responsible for his behaviour. Take care of you.

PinkTonic · 26/08/2021 23:54

When you went to hospital with broken ribs didn’t they get the police to speak to you at the time?

Original poster

Laladell · 27/08/2021 00:20

@PinkTonic

When you went to hospital with broken ribs didn’t they get the police to speak to you at the time?

No because I didn't tell the hospital the full story I was too scared about what would happen

OP posts:

Mummasdiary2021 · 27/08/2021 01:05

Don't ever try to justify his actions OP. you may still care about him, but that's how abusers make you feel. You didn't deserve any of that. He had the opportunity to make good choices or bad choices and he chose bad, so he needs to suffer the consequences otherwise he wi repeat the behaviour. I hope you are OK xxx

Pantsomime · 27/08/2021 01:10

He could be facing a murder arrest if you don’t have him lifted off the streets now before he wallops someone else, view it as being kind to you, him and the world at large.

LaBellina · 27/08/2021 01:12

If his life is ruined then he totally, totally deserved it. IMO, scumbags like your ex should be locked up forever to keep women safe.
You did the right thing.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/08/2021 01:15

Well just think of he is arrested and jailed, you’ve save another woman from this man.

Original poster

Laladell · 27/08/2021 06:22

@Mummasdiary2021

Thank you 🥺😔 x

OP posts:

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 07:22

Please complete the paperwork for a non molesation order today.

Original poster

Laladell · 27/08/2021 07:29

@CornishTiger

Please complete the paperwork for a non molesation order today.

Yesterday morning I rang the police as I was just gona drop it all they said they'd contact me but I didn't hear off them then yesterday afternoon I changed my mind I think. I rang and asked if someone could come to mine and just talk to me properly instead of talking to loads of different people on the phone. My head just feels so all over the place right now I don't even know how I feel

OP posts:

KentishMama · 27/08/2021 07:32

Imagine it was your best friend seeking your advice on this. Imagine they told you their partner was physically abusive over a long period of time, so much so that they had broken bones... What would you tell your best friend to do here?

FatAnkles · 27/08/2021 07:42

Stay strong OP. You are having a wobble. It's normal. This man is dangerous and needs to face the consequences of his actions. His feelings are no longer your concern. Look after yourself. Lean on your friend for support.

Jemand · 27/08/2021 07:54

The only person who has ruined his life is him, and you've done the rest of us a massive favour by reporting him. If he gets away with it he will assault other women, and he's well on the road to killing someone. Furthermore, we certainly don't need a dangerous disqualified driver on the roads.

Original poster

Laladell · 27/08/2021 09:39

@FatAnkles

Thank you so much 😔🥺 it really means alot x

OP posts:

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