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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 09:43

Urrmmmm, you are the victim here.

Did you make him hit you?
Did you make him hospitalise you?
Did you make him drive whilst on a ban?

His an adult and capable of making choices. Wrong choices have consequences...that’s life.

Get an injunction so he can’t come near you.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 09:45

Also, it is normal to have a wobble and doubt, but it’s ok, stay strong and don’t think about it, think beyond it, when you will have a normal and care free life not worrying if your gonna have the shit beaten out of you because his an arsehole

HotSauceCommittee · 27/08/2021 09:59

Please continue to speak to the police. Bail conditions mean that he should t be able to contact you or go where you are, including your place of work. Then you can stop worrying about whether or not he will turn up.
Speak to you manager too, to let them know of the situation.
Longer term, a non-molestation order should keep him away and if not, the police will just rearrest.
Have the cops been through a risk assessment form with you? These go through things like your level of fear, the violence (type and frequency- eg strangling will always mark the victim as high risk) towards you and others and the amount of times he turns up at your home/place of work unannounced and uninvited (stalking).
The police DO need to send some to see you, to do a risk assessment and for you to give a statement.
They can also put a "treat as urgent" marker on your home and work address so if he does turn up, you call 999 (please don't use 101; your situation is urgent) they will see that you need a rapid response.
There is so much that they can do to protect you. You will also want a name "officer in case" and they have a duty to tell you when he has been arrested, when he is being released from custody etc.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 27/08/2021 10:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 27/08/2021 10:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 27/08/2021 10:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 11:04

@GiveMeAUserName123

Also, it is normal to have a wobble and doubt, but it’s ok, stay strong and don’t think about it, think beyond it, when you will have a normal and care free life not worrying if your gonna have the shit beaten out of you because his an arsehole
Thank you 🥺 it just seems so hard atm I feel like I should of done it earlier I just don't know where my head is at
OP posts:
forumdonkey · 27/08/2021 11:29

Police will understand that you didn't report it at the time due to fear. It is a usual response for victims of domestic violence, so stop worrying about that.

My exh always threatened that they would have to drag him out of the house and threatened me if I went to the police. The reality was completely different. He was arrested and left without a word.

Stay strong and head held high. You couldn't make him a decent man and you couldn't make him a violent man - only he can do that. His behaviour, his decisions.

Danikm151 · 27/08/2021 11:52

You are being really brave following through with this.
You're preventing this from happening to somebody else in the future and protecting yourself.
You may also become the inspiration for somebody who has been afraid.

I wish you all the best. You are the victim in this, not the instigator

altmember · 27/08/2021 13:11

You should make sure it goes as far as getting put on his criminal record (even if just a caution). He sounds like an absolute bastard and he'll carry on assaulting future partner's too. At least if he gets a formal record for it they've got half a chance of finding out what he's like before it's too late. Or gets proper punishment when he gets prosecuted again for it in the future.

Lolabray · 27/08/2021 13:15

Please don’t feel sorry for this man being arrested. He deserves it and you young lady deserve happiness

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 13:21

I've just had an email off him saying are you joking dell wtf

So they must of been round or spoke to him or something today. I'm at work literally shaking

OP posts:
AnUnlikelyCombination · 27/08/2021 13:35

Oh, poor you. Can you have a cup of tea, have a little break?

You have done nothing wrong. He has. He is just starting to face the consequences, and he doesn’t like it. But it’s consequences for HIS behaviour. Not yours.

You have done nothing wrong. In fact, you’ve been really brave and are helping to protect other women who he might go on to hurt. Hang on in there. Flowers

Handsoffstrikesagain · 27/08/2021 14:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

forumdonkey · 27/08/2021 14:18

Stay strong and don't engage with him. You have done the right thing.
Keep telling yourself that nobody has the right to hurt or threaten you ever. HE is a grown man who made the choices he did.

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 14:28

Forward it to the police using your forces 101 enquiry email so they are aware he has contacted you after what you believe is them going to visit him.

RandomMess · 27/08/2021 15:14

He is the type of bloke that may well kill S future partner.

Use the law to protect yourself, report the email. Get a non-molestation order and help the police if they decide to prosecute.

Thanks
Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 16:12

He's currently in custody now and I have had to leave work to go to the station I'm freaking out I asked my boss who's currently off if I could finish early cos I was expecting a visit and he said no said had to wait till Sunday due to keeping ontop of my figures but they've rang and spoke to my duty manager and told them I have to go as he is in custody they only have a short amount of time so I'm stressed on the impact it will have on work im stressed about this this is all so overwhelming right now

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/08/2021 16:20

Don't worry about work. Work is not important.

Please tell the police you are very stressed and worried and need support.

SukonthaM · 27/08/2021 16:22

Your boss is an absolute twat! Don’t stress about your work! Just do whatever you need to do. And don’t worry about the fact this was a couple of months ago, it’s really not that long. There are so many cases of people reporting incidents years later because they couldn’t face it at the time. Your ex is vile and a danger to any woman he comes across

SukonthaM · 27/08/2021 16:26

Try not to hold back on what you tell them. If this man has 300 violent incidents reported against him then he’s obviously a massive fucking danger and needs putting away. I don’t even know why he’s allowed out in public with a record like that

rumpelrumpel · 27/08/2021 16:27

Good luck OP. Cab you take someone sensible along with you??

rumpelrumpel · 27/08/2021 16:28

(As you said feel all over the place)

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 27/08/2021 16:37

Try not to hold back on what you tell them. If this man has 300 violent incidents reported against him then he’s obviously a massive fucking danger and needs putting away. I don’t even know why he’s allowed out in public with a record like that

This was my first thought. And, from your posts, I don't think any of the 300 were about you, were they?

Your boss is a prize twat.

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 16:39

I don't really have anyone I could go with or take tbh I don't really have many pple left after him.... its crazy I have overwhelming guilt that this is the time he would be spending with his son (from a previous relationship) and that time means a lot to him I have horrendous guilt and just don't know what to do I feel sick. Just really hope the police will be able to help me see straight. I'm currently in my probationary period at work too and all of this really isn't helping matters 😩😩😩

OP posts:
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