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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 16/09/2021 15:32

I've spent today worrying about if I have made the right decision or night and the consequences this will have.

I hope this is just normal I know my feelings are going to be very up and down now. Just really wish things were different

OP posts:
Porridgealert · 16/09/2021 19:12

I think its very common for everyone to know something in our brain but to feel something different in our heart. Like we all know that we are worthy of being respected but perhaps sometimes we feel we're not and we allow others to treat us in a poor fashion.
As you stay away from him and he has less control over you, you will find that you never really loved him. You wanted to be loved and he said he did love you and that filled a hole. When he then started to hurt you, he had built up control over you so that you convinced yourself that hurt did not equal lack of love. In fact, how could he be so passionate as to hurt you without loving you? It's just conditioning. The longer you are free of him, the more your normal reasoning power will return. In time you will get into a normal relationship with someone who really loves you and you will look back on this and think, WTF was I thinking?!!!
What you're going though is perfectly normal. It will get better.

Porridgealert · 16/09/2021 19:14

If someone had deliberately broken 15 if your child's ribs, you'd have reported them and wanted them prosecuted. No? You are no less worthy to be treated with care and respect.

Queenie6655 · 16/09/2021 19:15

You did the right thing

Keep going

Get this scum jailed

Protect other innocent women

Original poster
Laladell · 17/09/2021 17:37

Hi everyone just thought I would update.

The ncdv took my statement for non molestation order today and a solicitor will be calling me on Monday. They want to get it in place before he answers his bail next wk

My concerns are I'm going to have to go to two hearings at work which really isn't ideal for my first week at a new job 😭 I don't know what to do. I deffo need this order but it just all feels so unprofessional from a work aspect idk what to do 😩i was really hoping I could start this job and not have to mention anything to them yet about it until I knew if he was getting charged or if there was going to be a trial...

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 18/09/2021 04:19

Don't panic...

explain in a minimum terms as possible that you have a legal issue that you need to address.. and could they help you by allowing some time just til this is resolved.. just be honest .. well done for going ahead 🌸

Original poster
Laladell · 19/09/2021 10:21

@BrilliantBetty

I'm not sure if you already know this or have been advised up thread but if you would feel safer moving away from the area you're in due to all this and are in private rented / TA / council/ housing association, as a victim of DV you would be the top of the council's (or HA) priority list to be rehoused. They would help you get out of the area.

If you get put in TA you'd still have a lot of points on council housing list. TA even better they can transfer out of area. Sorry if this isn't relevant in your situation. Just wanted to mention.

Hiya I have been thinking this morning and this is something I am definitely considering. Maybe not too far a couple of towns away maybe. He lives less tha 10 mins away and obviously knows my address.

I live in the top of a block of flats with no escape route really and the downstairs door to access the flats has never been locked in the 4 years I've lived here.

I currently private rent.... do you have any idea about how I would look into this or start the process? Thanks xxx

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 19/09/2021 15:24

I would tell them that you have some legal issues that mean you need the time on those 2 days and ask if they would prefer you take the time off unpaid or put back your start date a week.

Original poster
Laladell · 19/09/2021 20:10

I start tomorrow and I know it's natural to be nervous but since all of this has happened anxiety seems like its at an all time high!! Bed time is drawing closer but I don't want to go to sleep as then it means it will be morning and I'll have to go there and for some reason my nerves are absolutely terrible but I dint know why 😩

Just don't know what to do or where my confidence has gone x

OP posts:
Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 20/09/2021 11:02

Your confidence will come back. Flowers for today.

Original poster
Laladell · 23/09/2021 16:07

Had an email off the solicitors just.

They are in the process of serving the non mol, he's off bail tomorrow so hopefully it will be done before then xx

OP posts:
SpringCrocus · 23/09/2021 19:06

Fingers crossed for you.

Original poster
Laladell · 23/09/2021 19:23

My friend saw him today and he kept driving past her sneering at her trying to intimidate her while she was with her twin toddlers.

Little does he know that she's one of the pple the police want a witness statement off.

It's made me so mad tbh idk who the fk he thinks he is! See how brave he is if he gets sentenced. Really hope he does now and that's the first time throughout all of this situation I've thought that

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 25/09/2021 23:03

I hope your friend reported him.

Original poster
Laladell · 26/09/2021 00:15

@Justilou1

I hope your friend reported him.
The police need a witness statement off her anyways as she is classed as a first disclosure so it's just something else to add onto her statement which will hopefully bring the bastard down x
OP posts:
Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 00:39

I hope they nail his balls to the bench

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 27/09/2021 09:12

How are you?

Queenie6655 · 29/09/2021 22:14

@Laladell

Hi everyone just thought I would update.

The ncdv took my statement for non molestation order today and a solicitor will be calling me on Monday. They want to get it in place before he answers his bail next wk

My concerns are I'm going to have to go to two hearings at work which really isn't ideal for my first week at a new job 😭 I don't know what to do. I deffo need this order but it just all feels so unprofessional from a work aspect idk what to do 😩i was really hoping I could start this job and not have to mention anything to them yet about it until I knew if he was getting charged or if there was going to be a trial...

Poor you

How did it go?

Can you say a private appointment?? And make up the time

Sorry to hear this has happened

Original poster
Laladell · 30/09/2021 05:43

@Wrongsideofhistorymyarse

How are you?
Hiya sorry I'm only just seeing this I've been so busy the past few days.

I'm actually doing okay ish. I've been paying so much attention to my new job that haven't had much time to get upset altho I'm constantly thinking about it and just woke up from having the worst nightmare that he was trying to kill me. 😩 but I'm starting to want to get justice now rather than feel guilty like I used to. I'm glad I put my statement in now, I'm just praying cps will charge him xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 30/09/2021 05:45

@Queenie6655 they did it without me or him being there in the end I got a call last Fri asking details where to find him as it had all gone through and they wanted to serve him with the papers so luckily it hasn't affected work

OP posts:
Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 30/09/2021 08:33

No apology needed Laladell, glad you've put in your statement. I had a less violent abusive ex and I remember the nightmares, I'm happy to say that they're long behind me now.

When you're in a better situation I'd recommend doing the Freedom Programme. It helped me immensely.

Mintyt · 01/10/2021 06:49

Your doing so well, I don't post often, but I do pop by, your getting stronger. Well done

missbecks90 · 01/10/2021 06:55

He needs to be arrested, if he could do it to you he will do it to someone else..next time though (& there will be a next time) it could be fatal.

QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 22:17

[quote Laladell]@Queenie6655 they did it without me or him being there in the end I got a call last Fri asking details where to find him as it had all gone through and they wanted to serve him with the papers so luckily it hasn't affected work[/quote]

great news OP 🌸

redastherose · 01/10/2021 22:32

Great news, glad work is going well too.