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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 13/09/2021 00:43

[quote Laladell]@QueenBee52 honestly the idea of court absolutely petrifies me 😫[/quote]

It might not reach Court.. but its there on record .. in writing..

You are doing great.. you really are ... don't over think it.. 🌸

physicskate · 13/09/2021 03:54

I'd highly highly recommend talking to a counsellor about your fears. If you can break them down, you can conquer them.

QueenBee52 · 13/09/2021 04:04

DV - ex arrested for Section 18 I'm terrified! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/4347687-DV-ex-arrested-for-Section-18-Im-terrified

is this you OP?

you should maybe ask for this Thread to be moved to Legal..

felulageller · 13/09/2021 08:45

He should be in prison where he can't hurt anyone else.

Original poster
Laladell · 13/09/2021 18:04

Bit of a crap day today was meant to have my appt with my womans aid support worker but she didn't do it. When I rang them it was deffo booked in but she's away on annual leave and they don't know when she's back.

Also rang 101 as I've got some messages between me and my best mate straight after the offence happened so they said they would get my OIC to contact me but once again not heard off him

Just a bit of a nightmare as times ticking by 😫

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 13/09/2021 23:06

Hope you're ok op

Justilou1 · 13/09/2021 23:29

I know that women’s aid is totally overworked, but that’s really shit. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You must feel very low priority. Have you told the OIC about the mate approaching your son’s dad, too? That could also be stealth intimidation. There was no way that wasn’t going to come back to you.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 00:04

@Laladell

Bit of a crap day today was meant to have my appt with my womans aid support worker but she didn't do it. When I rang them it was deffo booked in but she's away on annual leave and they don't know when she's back.

Also rang 101 as I've got some messages between me and my best mate straight after the offence happened so they said they would get my OIC to contact me but once again not heard off him

Just a bit of a nightmare as times ticking by 😫

this is awful.. Im so sorry OP 😔

Original poster
Laladell · 14/09/2021 07:06

@Justilou1

I know that women’s aid is totally overworked, but that’s really shit. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You must feel very low priority. Have you told the OIC about the mate approaching your son’s dad, too? That could also be stealth intimidation. There was no way that wasn’t going to come back to you.
Tbh they not too fussed about things like that 🙄 I've had texts off his brother victim blaming, telling me to drop charges etc and missed calls off his family even though they were blocked and they wernt interesting lol 🙃
OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 14/09/2021 07:08

@QueenBee52 @Jesskir89

Thank you xx todays a new day I guess hopefully will hear off my officer in charge an support worker today

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/09/2021 07:52

Who is helping you with the non molestation application? Once a non mol is in place it should be easier to deal with his family making contact.

Justilou1 · 14/09/2021 11:32

You need to report these to the police @Laladell

Original poster
Laladell · 14/09/2021 12:34

@Justilou1

You need to report these to the police *@Laladell*
Its always reported when it happens. .. they didnt do anything
OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 14/09/2021 12:35

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I contacted the ndvc about it I think they are calling me fri x

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 14/09/2021 16:20

I'm really stressing out today. My womens aid support worker has been changed over, I went today to get my sleeve finished and I saw him drive past when I was in the studio and that made me feel so so shitty.

My OIC rang and said that if I'm doing a statement I need to do it tomorrow 😫 as he's off after tomorrow and his bail ends on 24th.

I feel like I wana do statement but like out of revenge for how he's treated me and made me feel which I don't think is really one of the healthiest reasons. I really just am panicking at this point lol x

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 14/09/2021 18:35

I think you need to make a statement for this to go on record.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 19:42

Take strength from whatever emotion drives you...

The intimidation the calls and texts are all designed to dissuade you from making that Statement.. to let him get away with strangling you hurting you.. bullying you.. intimidating you...

YOU can do this 🌸

Original poster
Laladell · 15/09/2021 11:14

Last night I wrote out bullet points about the relationship and abuse I endured during it as asked by my support worker. I really didn't want to do it and it took 2 hours for me to find the courage to do it but after I did it and I read it all back this morning it made me realise how horrible he was to me. Even though I do still have feelings for him and we did have good times he treated my very badly.

I've contacted witness support who are going to help me with my statement and support me more through all of this.

But I think I am going to go ahead with everything and do a statement. Even though its hard and scary and very overwhelming I cant regret not doing it.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 11:25

@Laladell

Last night I wrote out bullet points about the relationship and abuse I endured during it as asked by my support worker. I really didn't want to do it and it took 2 hours for me to find the courage to do it but after I did it and I read it all back this morning it made me realise how horrible he was to me. Even though I do still have feelings for him and we did have good times he treated my very badly.

I've contacted witness support who are going to help me with my statement and support me more through all of this.

But I think I am going to go ahead with everything and do a statement. Even though its hard and scary and very overwhelming I cant regret not doing it.

Im so pleased you did this... you should be very proud of yourself... it will be painful to relive it all .. but keep those notes.. to remind yourself how you got here...

Good luck and best wishes today.. 🌸

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 15/09/2021 12:29

Laladell I have just seen this thread and wanted to send you best wishes. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/09/2021 12:56

Thinking of you today OP Thanks

Justilou1 · 15/09/2021 21:20

Thinking of you from Aus.

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do
Original poster
Laladell · 15/09/2021 22:03

Just left the station. It was long it took about 3 hours and it was hard having to think about him so much and think about everything as I hate having to think about him tbh but it went okay. They are gona need a statement off my best friend and they still haven't gone through his phone yet which could take months so he probs won't get charged on the 24th he will either be rebailed or released pending evidence and then cps will decide qhats happening but I should get called fri about my non mol.

I still feel alot of guilt for all of this and the officer said he will probably be looking at time if found guilty which is hard for me I guess but I hope with counselling it should help me realise that this was his doing. I know the situation logically if that makes sense but I just can't see it that way

OP posts:
theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 16/09/2021 08:05

Be kind to yourself.

I can understand how you'd feel as you do, but he's responsible for his actions and your response is to protect yourself, and possibly others. Hopefully he can get support to address his difficulties which, if left unchallenged, won't resolve and certainly don't bode well for his future.

You look after yourself now, hope the new job starts soon and your focus can move to yourself and good, positive things.

Justilou1 · 16/09/2021 10:32

Good. He deserves time. He seriously injured you. If he had killed you - which is entirely possible, given your injuries - your son would have been without a mum.