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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 09/09/2021 20:55

@Laladell

They just rang me and offered me the job! On a much higher salary then originally given I cant believe it! Really hoping this will help with getting my life back on track somehow and keep me distracted I'm so nervous I think cos my self esteem is shot but it's been a nice bit of news to have after feeling so shit about seeing him earlier

Amazing news! Well done! You really deserve this x

SarahBellam · 09/09/2021 21:33

Well done, OP. You're already on the up! You can do this 🥰

Bobsyer · 09/09/2021 22:01

Well done @Laladell! You are doing SO amazing.

Bobsyer · 09/09/2021 22:16

Hi @Laladell - i just wanted to come back and link you this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4342752-Should-I-apologise-for-my-reaction-at-being-the-victim-of-a-stupid-prank?msgid=110645813

There's no assault in there or anything, just a situation in a gym that IMO was properly dealt with. You might want to read through this if you're considering taking any action against your former employers.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/09/2021 22:23

Oh wow congrats on the new job! You've really impressed them, don't forget that - that's the real you ⭐️

WhereDoYouGoMyLoveflea · 09/09/2021 22:51

@Laladell

They just rang me and offered me the job! On a much higher salary then originally given I cant believe it! Really hoping this will help with getting my life back on track somehow and keep me distracted I'm so nervous I think cos my self esteem is shot but it's been a nice bit of news to have after feeling so shit about seeing him earlier
That’s wonderful Lala! Congratulations Grin this is brilliant news, it’s not easy to get jobs out there atm so take it as a massive self-confidence boost FlowersGinCake

You’re doing so well! I’ve had to de-lurk to congratulate you Grin

Original poster
Laladell · 09/09/2021 23:01

Thank you everyone ❤ so much ❤ 😭 its more of a challenging role than I've had before but I'd like to think I'm up for it 😊

Hope none of this current shit ruins it. Its kinda put me off putting in a statement now tho 😩 as I'm worried it will ruin my focus at this new job but at same time I don't wana regret not going through with court. I got my appts with my womens aid support worker Monday so hopefully that will help x

OP posts:
reader12 · 09/09/2021 23:49

Well done Lala! You are so strong, even while you feel broken and have all this shit to deal with you're still battling on and achieving great things. You are stronger than him, and better than him, and you will be unstoppable once all this is behind you.

I wish you all the strength and power and support you need to do whatever you decide you want to do about the court case.

Mintyt · 10/09/2021 13:37

Well done. Still put the statement in and still request the Clare's law. Your strong you will be ok

Original poster
Laladell · 10/09/2021 14:38

@Mintyt

Well done. Still put the statement in and still request the Clare's law. Your strong you will be ok
Thank you x

I am talking with my support worker about making a final decision on Monday so that should help.

The claires law has been processed but the PPU are saying that it might not be a possibility for me to find out as he is my ex and now he has been arrested for a section 18 on myself it's confirming that he is violent 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 10/09/2021 14:39

@reader12 thank you so much xxx

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 14:48

Sending best wishes lady...

its been a tough fee weeks... but you are doing superb 🎉

Original poster
Laladell · 10/09/2021 17:30

Spoke to my officer in charge today finally. Was just about what to include in my statement and things like that if I do one and said like i was undecided especially how daunting court would be and he was saying well that's even if it makes it to court and that if there's enough evidence for it to go anywhere so now I'm thinking is there even any point lol...

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 17:43

I wonder how many times he's gotten away with it ...

I would be interested in knowing the results of the Claire's Law search... it is unfortunate that this potentially very important information will not be shared with you as the Victim because the 'relationship' is now over..

The system does seem flawed against Victims ... but obviously Im no expert 🌸

Mintyt · 11/09/2021 08:07

You do really need to see this through, it will be powerful for you, your stronger than you think.

therebeccariots · 11/09/2021 08:12

Re the Claire's law disclosure (I used to sit on the decision panels so know a fair bit about this). The benefits to sharing his history with you (if there is one) is despite him being your ex, if you know he has long history of this behaviour with others it can help empower you to keep him as your ex. If someone thinks they are the only victim of violence they can internalise that into believing they are at fault in some way and maybe if they were 'better' it won't happen again. It's easier to not blame yourself if you know he's been a nasty, violent thug in many relationships before yours. So if you think that information could be helpful, push for the disclosure.

Justilou1 · 11/09/2021 12:11

I suspect the family’s intense pressuring of @Laladell are very indicative of a previous history. If he had nothing to hide, they wouldn’t need to try and hit her with everything like that. They certainly don’t want to be seen as “that” kind of family if all of it comes out of the woodwork. Maybe a Claire’s Law investigation will invite previous victims to speak also.

QueenBee52 · 11/09/2021 13:58

@therebeccariots

Re the Claire's law disclosure (I used to sit on the decision panels so know a fair bit about this). The benefits to sharing his history with you (if there is one) is despite him being your ex, if you know he has long history of this behaviour with others it can help empower you to keep him as your ex. If someone thinks they are the only victim of violence they can internalise that into believing they are at fault in some way and maybe if they were 'better' it won't happen again. It's easier to not blame yourself if you know he's been a nasty, violent thug in many relationships before yours. So if you think that information could be helpful, push for the disclosure.

this is good news OP...

you should absolutely do as @therebeccariots suggests 🌸

Original poster
Laladell · 12/09/2021 16:33

I'd actually started to feel slightly better the past few days, but my sons dad has just come to collect my boy and he said that one of my exes friends approached him at the pub yesterday and asked my sons dad if he knew what had happened. My sons dad said yes why and the other lad didn't say much other than he got told yesterday and then nothing else was said.

My sons dad went and re approached him and asked this lad why he questioned him and what he was about to say about the situation and the lad said nothing that he had seen my ex yesterday and that before he could say anything he left my exes house.

It's pissed me off abit as I've not told anyone about this it's something I'd rather keep private. I have no idea why my ex is telling people and wondering what he's saying as he's probably slating me and saying god knows what about me too 🙄 it's also stressed me out as now if I don't choose to go to court I'm probably going to look like a lier or he will make me out to be a lier

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 12/09/2021 17:19

It's called damage limitation, that's why he's telling everyone. Making himself look the victim.

Original poster
Laladell · 12/09/2021 17:50

Eughhhhh he's such a twat 😫😡

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 12/09/2021 19:43

@SnatchCassidy

It's called damage limitation, that's why he's telling everyone. Making himself look the victim.

Yip... text book Twat ...

Keep your strength and channel your anger ...

Get the statement done and look forward... if it doesn't go to Court ... there is a footprint of his behaviour (and if it happens again) which will help other women who come across him in the future ..

Jesskir89 · 12/09/2021 22:53

Been lurking op and just want to say well done. Youre handling this so well!

Original poster
Laladell · 12/09/2021 23:26

@Jesskir89 thank you so much it realy means alot x

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 12/09/2021 23:30

@QueenBee52 honestly the idea of court absolutely petrifies me 😫

OP posts: