Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

[Laladell]

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

In my previous posts I tried to stay neutral about what I thought you should do. It's should understand the impact on yourself for each of the actions and outcomes. It's important that if you take on the court case that you do it for yourself, forget anyone else, and that you believe in your decision.

But it seems now that you're leaning towards going ahead with the case. I believe its true that we regret the things we didn't do rather than the things we did - even if we subsequently failed. I feel sure that standing up to your ex will give you some power back. People will have to listen to you and I promise, win or lose, people will hear what you're saying and you will be respected for standing up to him. And to him you will be sending the message that you are not someone who will be treated badly anymore.

No need to be scared of court, but you're wise to be cautious and treat the legal process with healthy respect. As I've said I used to give evidence quite regularly and I always felt apprehensive. Of course you always feel like people are doubting you. I used to chat with the defence solicitors and they admitted they knew their clients were guilty, but it was their job to mount a defence. Its difficult but you need to think that none of this is personal from any of the legal figures. You must stick to the truth, don't be tempted to exaggerate, and don't be worried about taking time to think of your answers. If you feel your words have been twisted, when it's your time to speak, correct them and repeat the truth. But lawyers are nowhere near as clever as they look on telly and they are usually civil when they ask questions. Juries are made up of people like you and me. They come with all sorts of histories and experiences. Every jury member I've ever met took their responsibility very seriously and wanted justice to be served. Most of all you will have a lot of support through a variety of agencies. You are a single parent which is the toughest job in the world, so you can handle this.

Lastly, get rid of any guilt you may feel. That's the last bit of control his family have over you. His treatment of you didn't come out of nowhere so his family know who and what he is. What they do with that knowledge is their choice which you are unlikely to be able to influence. I think you have earned the right to put yourself first and recognise that you getting in the way of his fists and feet didn't ruin his life, him using his fists and feet on you ruined his life. You be answerable for your actions and let him be answerable for his. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It'll be likely months before it comes to trial, so get on with your life, work on healing yourself, make some new friends. Don't put your life on hold waiting for the court case. He's already stolen enough from you.

Yesterday evening I had like clear plans of what I wanted to do today to make myself better, wanted to rejoin the gym, go to my dads and sort a new cv to find qork, do a load of housework but now I've woke up I don't wana do anything 😫 it's annoying me too as I hate doing nothing and know these things will be good for me but I just don't have it in me lol I had a dream I saw him at the gym too fml. I know for a fact I need to get back into training as I know 10000% it will help how I feel but it's just the stress of worrying if he will be at any of the local ones.

It's like on top of all of this I think I forget I'm still actually having to process a break up too so ontop of the case and things like that I'm still thinking about missing him, what he's doing, who he's with, things we user to do etc it's so annoying 😩I just need to find my drive but haven't got any atm 😭😭

@Millicentsparty

In my previous posts I tried to stay neutral about what I thought you should do. It's should understand the impact on yourself for each of the actions and outcomes. It's important that if you take on the court case that you do it for yourself, forget anyone else, and that you believe in your decision.

But it seems now that you're leaning towards going ahead with the case. I believe its true that we regret the things we didn't do rather than the things we did - even if we subsequently failed. I feel sure that standing up to your ex will give you some power back. People will have to listen to you and I promise, win or lose, people will hear what you're saying and you will be respected for standing up to him. And to him you will be sending the message that you are not someone who will be treated badly anymore.

No need to be scared of court, but you're wise to be cautious and treat the legal process with healthy respect. As I've said I used to give evidence quite regularly and I always felt apprehensive. Of course you always feel like people are doubting you. I used to chat with the defence solicitors and they admitted they knew their clients were guilty, but it was their job to mount a defence. Its difficult but you need to think that none of this is personal from any of the legal figures. You must stick to the truth, don't be tempted to exaggerate, and don't be worried about taking time to think of your answers. If you feel your words have been twisted, when it's your time to speak, correct them and repeat the truth. But lawyers are nowhere near as clever as they look on telly and they are usually civil when they ask questions. Juries are made up of people like you and me. They come with all sorts of histories and experiences. Every jury member I've ever met took their responsibility very seriously and wanted justice to be served. Most of all you will have a lot of support through a variety of agencies. You are a single parent which is the toughest job in the world, so you can handle this.

Lastly, get rid of any guilt you may feel. That's the last bit of control his family have over you. His treatment of you didn't come out of nowhere so his family know who and what he is. What they do with that knowledge is their choice which you are unlikely to be able to influence. I think you have earned the right to put yourself first and recognise that you getting in the way of his fists and feet didn't ruin his life, him using his fists and feet on you ruined his life. You be answerable for your actions and let him be answerable for his. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It'll be likely months before it comes to trial, so get on with your life, work on healing yourself, make some new friends. Don't put your life on hold waiting for the court case. He's already stolen enough from you.

Honestly I'm shitting myself so bad! I spoke to my local womans aid and hopefully someone should be able to get through to me in the next few days. Victim support said they'd be really helpful in terms of me making my decision and then if it does go to court.

I just worry as when an officer came out on Sunday to log the contact from his family she was saying how if I go court they will try to make me out to be liar and pick me apart and it just seems so stressful and I've gone through enough trauma as it is. But then I have those thoughts about why shouldn't he be held accountable for the things he did and has done to me. It just seems a really scary process to me right now

His only defence is to make you look unreasonable and a liar. He might even get family to lie about things or exaggerate and twist things. You need to expect that. If you don't think you can cope with it, think very hard about carrying on. You will get help and support, but the onus and stress will be all on you. The police will make out it will be very difficult because they don't want you to drop out half way through the case. But this is what he wants. To scare you into submission. He gave you two black eyes and broke your ribs. (You have evidence from the hospital about your ribs. Do you have photo evidence of your black eyes?) He is an awful man who has abused you. He deserves to be punished but the police can't do that without your testimony.

You can drop the case. No one will think badly of you; its not an easy thing to do. You can still take out a non molestation order. You can take time for yourself to get over what has happened without the worry of a trial hanging over you. However, you might feel that you let someone get away with treating you badly. The regret might stay with you for a while. He might see it as a weakness that he can exploit.

You can take the case. You will feel stressed and nervous. It will invite attacks by him and his family so you'll need to have strength to cope with that and it will take a toll on your mental health. However, you'll have a lot of support. You'll have no regrets. There's a strong chance he'll be punished. You'll feel vindicated. And even if you lose, you'll feel that you stood up for yourself, other people will hear who he really is and you'll send out a message you're not someone who can be controlled anymore.

No one understands your personal circumstances or your personality, so it's very hard for anyone on here to tell you what to do. Of course it's easier to drop the case and move on. That's what your ex is counting on. It would remove the stress and hopefully give you space from him to get your life back. But taking the easy route is not always the right one nor the one gives you the best resolution in the end. Its such a more difficult decision to make when you're personally involved than when you're reading about it happening to someone else.

@Millicentsparty

Yeah the police have about 17 photos of different injuries he has caused me previously. They also have abusive, threatening and degrading messages sent to me and also have his phone for evidence currently.

The police officer who came to mine on Sunday said that even if I drop the charges I will still be summoned to court anyways like they would make me go.

It's a hard one because I really don't see why he should get let off for the things he has done and I deffo don't wana regret not going through with it, I've already got enough regrets about ever laying eyes on him in the 1st place like he has ruined my life. I've got a support worker from woman's aid now she's kinda pushing me to go through with it, but I've got a phone meeting with her on Monday so I can talk to her more about it.

Am deffo getting the non mol as I just want to keep him as far away as possible from me

OP.. I hope you are taking care of yourself.. making sure you're still eating resting etc ...

Im so sorry you are enduring this ... Im glad you are taking a stand albeit at great cost to yourself.. sending support 🌸

I think the problem with dropping it is you let him off the hook too. Yes waiting for a trial is stressful, but it will be for him too. And the next person he treats badly will have it even harder because if they do get to where you are he and his family will think they can pressure someone into dropping it.

I appreciate that it’s terrifying though.

It looks a pretty solid case against him. And like you say, the police can prosecute both with and without your consent these days. Have a chat with the support worker and lay your fears on the line with her. Also confirm that you will have continuity of support from the same person throughout. That is definitely helpful.
You're racked with nerves at the moment so take a step away and spend a few days doing normal stuff. Get a good night's sleep on Sunday and face this with a fresh mind on Monday. Keep a notebook around to jot down any questions you want to ask, or anything you want to say. You will always think of something to ask or want to clarify after you've hung up! So get a phone number to speak to her directly and give her a call. Don't sit worrying about something and then find it was a misunderstanding or a misconception and it was nothing to worry about. That's such a waste of mental energy. The support worker really enjoys helping you. It's the best part of her job. Good luck. x

@QueenBee52 thank u for ur message x yeah not been too bad today really didn't wana do anything today but sleep 😩 but did my housework, updated my cv (which I'm glad about cos I guess finding new work gives me something to focus on too) might go for a walk later maybe as the little one is at his dad's. Thanks for checking in x

@Autumnally thank you this is the thing I kinda don't really want him to get away with the shit he's put me through tbh even tho I still have feelings attached to him I still hate him so much for what he's done to me it's weird.

@Millicentsparty

It looks a pretty solid case against him. And like you say, the police can prosecute both with and without your consent these days. Have a chat with the support worker and lay your fears on the line with her. Also confirm that you will have continuity of support from the same person throughout. That is definitely helpful. You're racked with nerves at the moment so take a step away and spend a few days doing normal stuff. Get a good night's sleep on Sunday and face this with a fresh mind on Monday. Keep a notebook around to jot down any questions you want to ask, or anything you want to say. You will always think of something to ask or want to clarify after you've hung up! So get a phone number to speak to her directly and give her a call. Don't sit worrying about something and then find it was a misunderstanding or a misconception and it was nothing to worry about. That's such a waste of mental energy. The support worker really enjoys helping you. It's the best part of her job. Good luck. x

I was hoping it would be but the officer in charge of the investigation said it would be hard to prosecute as no witnesses. Another officer said that it would be very very unlikely to go to a victimless prosecution so I just don't know. Its all very overwhelming and terrifying at this point.

But speaking to my support worker was so helpful she was so nice. But yeah I need to shift my focus elsewhere. I redid my cv today so can start looking for a new job which I think would really help as it would be a welcome distraction and I spoke about rejoining a different gym but I'm petrified of seeing him and she said that possibly they may be able to alter his bail conditions so he wouldn't be able to go to a certain gym and that would be absolutely amazing for me so waiting for a call off my officer in charge hopefuly that could be done it would be great.

Just trying to shift focus elsewhere atm as this person has literally consumed my life so much already tbh x

We used to have a ladies only gym in our area. He definitely couldn't get in there! 🙂

It seems to me from what you've said that you've got your head screwed on right and you're listening and taking on board what people are saying. No one you deal with will want you to fail. Consign the matter to a box and tell yourself you only deal with that box on on a Monday and give yourself the rest of the week off.

Let us know how you get on.

Feeling so low literally hate not working it leaves me with 0 motivation and no good distractions 😔😔😔😔😔😔

Abit of good news for me, I have a job interview tomorrow and one on Friday so hopefully this could help things get back on track

Wow! That was quick! Hope it goes well 🤩

@Laladell

Abit of good news for me, I have a job interview tomorrow and one on Friday so hopefully this could help things get back on track

that's great @Laladell

fingers crossed for you 🌸

Thank you so much. Not gona try get my hopes up the way life is atm but would be such a welcome distraction.

Been trying to get intouch with the officer in charge of my case for 2 days now with no luck and he's on rest days from tomorrow so really stuck about that

@Laladell

Thank you so much. Not gona try get my hopes up the way life is atm but would be such a welcome distraction.

Been trying to get intouch with the officer in charge of my case for 2 days now with no luck and he's on rest days from tomorrow so really stuck about that

You sound more positive... I know its a long painful stressful process...

Keep trying with the Officer on your case 🌸

@Laladell

Abit of good news for me, I have a job interview tomorrow and one on Friday so hopefully this could help things get back on track

Fantastic news! Well done, sending you positive thoughts!

So I had a job interview today and it seemed to go well they were realy nice, I've got a another interview tomorrow then another one on Saturday.

On the way back from my interview I saw my ex though, I didn't see him really but saw the back of his van after it drove past and it just made me feel so sick and it stirred so many emotions inside me 😩😭 feel really shitty now. Feel like I miss him and miss us even though he's not a good person

@Laladell

So I had a job interview today and it seemed to go well they were realy nice, I've got a another interview tomorrow then another one on Saturday.

On the way back from my interview I saw my ex though, I didn't see him really but saw the back of his van after it drove past and it just made me feel so sick and it stirred so many emotions inside me 😩😭 feel really shitty now. Feel like I miss him and miss us even though he's not a good person

Great news about your Interviews...

listen.. your reaction to seeing your Exes van is natural.. this will be your response for a while unfortunately..

It will take time.. your confidence is shattered and you are very fragile.. but you will get there .. slowly.. but you will get there... honest 🌸

They just rang me and offered me the job! On a much higher salary then originally given I cant believe it! Really hoping this will help with getting my life back on track somehow and keep me distracted I'm so nervous I think cos my self esteem is shot but it's been a nice bit of news to have after feeling so shit about seeing him earlier

Well done, so pleased for you OP

@Laladell

They just rang me and offered me the job! On a much higher salary then originally given I cant believe it! Really hoping this will help with getting my life back on track somehow and keep me distracted I'm so nervous I think cos my self esteem is shot but it's been a nice bit of news to have after feeling so shit about seeing him earlier

It’s your fresh start! I’m so happy for you

@Laladell

They just rang me and offered me the job! On a much higher salary then originally given I cant believe it! Really hoping this will help with getting my life back on track somehow and keep me distracted I'm so nervous I think cos my self esteem is shot but it's been a nice bit of news to have after feeling so shit about seeing him earlier

OMG congratulations 🎉

Go you 🌸

Thank u so much ladies it really means soooo much ❤😩 just wish circumstances were a bit different to it all but it's a welcome distraction x