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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Child conference and pre proceedings

348 replies

Mumtobe2021x · 25/08/2021 21:43

So my unborn baby who is due any day now I’ve been told is being placed on a child protection plan as the social believe she is at risk of harm due to me being involved in “domestic violence with the father” anyway I’ve moved back in with my dad and the social worker me and her dad have so far signed a contact arrangement plan or the father to have supervised contact with the baby at my address without me being in the room. I’ve also been told we’re having an initial child protection conference meeting and a pre proceedings meeting where both me and babies dad will have a solicitor with us provided by social services. I’m just wondering if anyone’s got any experience with this. They haven’t really explained much about these meetings and what could happen I’ve asked her but she doesn’t really explain a lot so can’t someone explain what I can expect ? Does it mean they’re considering taking the baby away or is it a plan to keep her in with me but in a safe way? I just want to know the possible outcomes as I feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed messages

OP posts:

Cleverpolly3 · 26/08/2021 11:33

*cute baby clothes

LIZS · 26/08/2021 11:33

He has to decide he needs help with alcohol and anger management, organise it and see it through. You cannot do this for him. It seems you and your baby are not enough incentive. In the meantime move on.

ChequerBoard · 26/08/2021 11:33

@Mumtobe2021x

One more thing id like to mention is all these incidents that happened between us have been when he’s been drinking , which is not an excuse at all. But when he’s not had a drink he’s fine nothing happens. He’s not going to be drunk around the baby obviously not. And maybe he can go on some alcohol missuse courses aswell

Jesus - wake up OP.

This is as serious as it gets. His behaviour has led to social services involvement and has put you at risk of losing your baby before it's even born.

Why are you making excuses for him and minimising his drunken violent behaviour? The stress this must be causing you whilst pregnant and the strain on the rest of your family is reason enough to want to cut all ties surely?

You need to be putting your relationship with your baby above all else here. Stop with the passive aggressive 'I suppose' tone. It's childish and comes across you not being all that bothered and thinking it's all a bit silly.

Original poster

Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

But when he’s not had a drink he’s fine nothing happens.

And yet he continued to drink, knowing it's (apparently) THE ONLY trigger for him being abusive.

Why won't you answer the question 'has he ever harmed you?'

He obviously drinks cause he’s stressed out or something so obviously he needs to find other ways to cope with stress other than drinking to t he excess. And obviously some of the things he’s done is harm yes but not intentionally and I know if he got some sort of help there would be no harm at all towards me and I know he’s not going to harm the baby either aua

OP posts:

Cleverpolly3 · 26/08/2021 11:38

If you are like this in the conference be prepared for the baby to be removed

frazzledasarock · 26/08/2021 11:38

No you do not know he won't harm the baby.

you thought he wouldn't harm you either till he did.

difference here is, your baby is completely vulnerable and could die at the very first act of violence form it's father.

MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 11:39

Urgh. It’s so depressing.

ChequerBoard · 26/08/2021 11:40

How the courts/social services/any sensible person will interpret what you just said:

"He obviously drinks cause he’s stressed out or something so obviously he needs to find other ways to cope with stress other than drinking to t he excess."

OP is minimising and excusing partners alcohol abuse

"And obviously some of the things he’s done is harm yes but not intentionally and I know if he got some sort of help there would be no harm at all towards me"

OP is minimising the violent acts of the partner and clearly intends to take him back in the near future

"and I know he’s not going to harm the baby either"

OP is not able to risk assess the situation and may put her baby in harms way.

You need to sort you head out pronto.

EmergencyHydrangea · 26/08/2021 11:41

Why are you putting this man before your child?

Flowers500 · 26/08/2021 11:45

@Mumtobe2021x

I am not going to Cancel the agreement. I know full well he is not going to harm the baby. I know this man and I know what he would and wouldn’t do and I can put my life on it that he would not cause no harm to this baby in any way therefore I’m not going to strip the baby of having a relationship with her father when he is not any risk to her and this way of contact is in a supervised safe environment it will give himself a chance to prove himself. Obviously if anything happened at one of these visits the contact would be stopped but I know nothing is going to happen. Yes maybe me and him have got a bad past together. Even the midwife who came to see me told me her and her partner used to Arhue and they used to push each other around , they split up and then got back together and they have children together. Things happen. Everyone has a temper it’s all about how you deal with your temper which is also based on the environment you’re in and who you are around. Around a baby and without me kn the room he’s not going to have a temper. He will also be going on courses to find ways to deal with his temper. But either way he would not do anything to put the baby at risk either way

This is terrifying. You need to do the freedom programme and get some serious support if you want to stay in your child’s life.

SpaceBethSmith · 26/08/2021 11:50

If SS do their job properly, they will remove her at birth.

The more you post, the worse it gets.

And I know you’re a victim too, but SS priority is the baby. Who you clearly cannot keep safe.

teenmumandsowhat · 26/08/2021 11:53

I’m sorry to say this is only going to end one way…
I was a phone call away from loosing my dc’s when they were babies, it was only because i woke up and smelled the coffee so to speak, and was actively trying to get out that I didn’t.
Don’t think that not being in a relationship will prevent you from being assaulted. The last assault from my ex happened in public, just days after i had ended our relationship.
I got my dc’s off social services completely all because I worked with them and once i left, I didn’t go back. My dc’s haven’t had any direct contact with their father since that public assault, and that was in 2014!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 11:54

And obviously some of the things he’s done is harm yes but not intentionally and I know if he got some sort of help there would be no harm at all towards me and I know he’s not going to harm the baby either

Unfortunately for you, you're absolutely at risk of having your baby removed now.

"Not intentionally"?!

When he pushed you he didn't mean to push you?

When he smashed your phone he didn't mean to smash your phone?

When he threatened to hurt your family he didn't mean to threaten to hurt your family?

Listen to yourself! You are not able to risk assess to keep your baby safe and the baby's safety is SS' priority.

MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 11:54

Every time you read about a child being seriously hurt or killed by parent there were always warning signs that were ignored.

These are your warnings.

You get one chance to get this right OP. It’s on you, your responsibility to keep your baby safe. She needs you to prioritise her above any sense of loyalty or guilt or lingering feelings of love you have for her father. No man is as important as your child’s well-being.

Do the right thing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 11:56

He obviously drinks cause he’s stressed out or something

You know what's really stressful? A baby.

You know what someone who is desperate to be a good dad does? Proactively seeks help the FIRST time they ever lose control by pushing a pregnant woman, smashing phones up, making threats etc. And then following through.

He didn't though did he? He drank on multiple occasions and pushed, smashed and threatened.

This poor baby.

Annoyedandirritated · 26/08/2021 12:04

What are social workers actually involved? What’s actually happened to cause them to be involved?

MrsBertBibby · 26/08/2021 12:12

OP get a solicitor. They will answer your actual question.

CliffsofMohair · 26/08/2021 12:14

The only thing you have control over in this situation is what you do next.

Take notice of people telling you that your baby will be removed. In the past fortnight there have been several cases of small children harmed and killed by fathers or boyfriends. Social services will be very aware of this and not looking to put themselves in a situation where they look like they have misjudged risks .

If a SW told you to have contact in your home they have misjudged the risks. One thing you can do is ask to move contact to a supervised contact centre for her and your safety.

you can’t control this man’s behaviour . All the encouraging the relationship, making it ‘safe’ for him to be around the baby, suggesting ways he can control his drinking or his temper show you think you can. If he is drunk and angry you can’t protect her. Your priority is wrong. Your priority is to keep her safe not try and keep her safe around a violent man. It shows the SW you take risks with her safety to try and keep him involved.

If you can’t see that, you can’t safely assess how safe your baby will be. If you can’t judge risk to her, you can’t protect her.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 26/08/2021 12:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

wewereliars · 26/08/2021 12:32

He has already put the baby at risk repeatedly. The fact that you don't see that is the problem.

Honestly OP you sound completely clueless, he has assaulted you and will do it again given half a chance.

You need to stop harm to the baby, take every reaonable step to avoid it. Instead you are hoping an abuser will not abuse, and you will step in if he does. That may be too late.

Your priority has to be the baby, you don't sound remotely like it is. If I were a social worker I would have grave concerns about your ability to keep baby safe.

insidenumber5 · 26/08/2021 12:33

Ah you're just saying the same old lines that every woman who isn't going to meaningfully engage comes out with. You obviously don't see him as a risk to you or your baby and the people who attend these conferences have heard it all 1000 times before.

KarmaViolet · 26/08/2021 12:37

Around a baby and without me in the room he’s not going to have a temper.

It's NOT your fault that he is violent and abusive. It's not "you in the room" that is the problem, however much he's told you it is. It's his behaviour.
Do you have any idea how despair-inducing tiny babies are? You can't reason with them. You can't solve their problems. You don't always know what's wrong. Their cry is designed to get a response from you. You can change them and feed them and cuddle them and they STILL cry, and you go to feed them and they push the boob / bottle away, or accidentally biff one of their little fists into your face. If an adult he supposedly loves can provoke his temper then you can be certain that a crying baby will.

I can put my life on it that he would not cause no harm to this baby in any way

Let's hope that gamble is never tested.

Original poster

Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 12:39

@Annoyedandirritated

What are social workers actually involved? What’s actually happened to cause them to be involved?

What happened was me and the dad had an argument a few weeks ago on a car park and the fire service came out and asked what happened and I went in with the fire service and I told them a lot of information and they made the report

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 12:40

You also repeatedly lied to SS if I recall correctly? And only told the truth (as you see it) a few days ago, the week your baby is due.

wewereliars · 26/08/2021 12:41

What information did you give that they feLt social service should be involved OP?

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