Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child conference and pre proceedings

348 replies

Mumtobe2021x · 25/08/2021 21:43

So my unborn baby who is due any day now I’ve been told is being placed on a child protection plan as the social believe she is at risk of harm due to me being involved in “domestic violence with the father” anyway I’ve moved back in with my dad and the social worker me and her dad have so far signed a contact arrangement plan or the father to have supervised contact with the baby at my address without me being in the room. I’ve also been told we’re having an initial child protection conference meeting and a pre proceedings meeting where both me and babies dad will have a solicitor with us provided by social services. I’m just wondering if anyone’s got any experience with this. They haven’t really explained much about these meetings and what could happen I’ve asked her but she doesn’t really explain a lot so can’t someone explain what I can expect ? Does it mean they’re considering taking the baby away or is it a plan to keep her in with me but in a safe way? I just want to know the possible outcomes as I feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed messages

OP posts:
Bancha · 26/08/2021 10:56

Children's Services can't realistically prevent supervised contact between a child and their parent, even if they might like to. Not sure I agree with the contact being at OP's house, but I can see how that would have been agreed.

OP, you need to go and get a solicitor. The PLO is very serious - it is the social worker's last attempts to support you to make changes before they go to court and ask for your baby to be removed, possibly just after the birth.

I see that you are doing what the social workers say, but it sounds like you are 'going through the motions' - you are ticking the boxes but you don't really believe the risk this man poses to you and therefore your child. This will be really significant in whether they believe you can protect your child - at the moment I would be really worried about your ability to do this.

I am wishing you the best but I feel very worried for your baby.

SpaceBethSmith · 26/08/2021 10:58

He HAS harmed you OP, on multiple occasions, and there are multiple witnesses to these events.

You still are not taking this seriously.

The last incident was around 2 weeks ago.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 10:58

I think it's telling that you've ignored my question because it would require you to examine your view of the situation and also be realistic about how your answers will come across to SS.

Less than a week ago you were still proactively (showing up at his house) seeing him in person despite him pushing you, smashing your phone etc.

You still can't see or won't say that he has harmed you.

SS can't assume that because you've decided over the last few days (after an entire pregnancy with this dynamic and repeated incidents) that you don't want to be with him that you'll follow through. Statistics suggest you will go back to him. Your refusal to say he has harmed you suggests the same.

Schmooo · 26/08/2021 10:58

@Mumtobe2021x

Anyway my original question is what can I expect at these meetings ? What happens normally what do they discuss and what are the outcomes
Hi Mumtobe, it's likely the PLO meeting will be to draw up a written agreement with your solicitor present; this will cover what you need to do to prevent the LA going to Court. It's likely they'll want to do a parenting assessment as well to see to what extent you understand the risks and can prevent future harm to the baby.
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:00

@Bancha

Children's Services can't realistically prevent supervised contact between a child and their parent, even if they might like to. Not sure I agree with the contact being at OP's house, but I can see how that would have been agreed.

OP, you need to go and get a solicitor. The PLO is very serious - it is the social worker's last attempts to support you to make changes before they go to court and ask for your baby to be removed, possibly just after the birth.

I see that you are doing what the social workers say, but it sounds like you are 'going through the motions' - you are ticking the boxes but you don't really believe the risk this man poses to you and therefore your child. This will be really significant in whether they believe you can protect your child - at the moment I would be really worried about your ability to do this.

I am wishing you the best but I feel very worried for your baby.

So as long as I comply with them and do as I’m asked by ss at the plo and theres no more incidents they can’t just take the baby away?
OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 11:00

It has disaster written all over it.

1 contact session, dad been there 10 minutes, baby starts fussing and crying, Granadad says she needs to go to her mum to be comforted/fed. Dad says no, he’s only seen her for ten minutes, refuses to let her go to mum. Baby continues crying, mum hears it and can’t stay away from the room (no mother could!) so goes in to get baby. Dad kicks off saying you’re keeping baby from him. Lovely.

SpaceBethSmith · 26/08/2021 11:02

@MrsRobbieHart

It has disaster written all over it.

1 contact session, dad been there 10 minutes, baby starts fussing and crying, Granadad says she needs to go to her mum to be comforted/fed. Dad says no, he’s only seen her for ten minutes, refuses to let her go to mum. Baby continues crying, mum hears it and can’t stay away from the room (no mother could!) so goes in to get baby. Dad kicks off saying you’re keeping baby from him. Lovely.

I agree, it’s a total shit show and SS should not be encouraging this.
simplelife100 · 26/08/2021 11:02

I'm sorry I can't be more help and tell you what things are discussed Maybe put that question in on google and your find some forums, I wish you the best please don't go back to him there are so many damage children due to their parents choice. Take care

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:05

@MrsRobbieHart

It has disaster written all over it.

1 contact session, dad been there 10 minutes, baby starts fussing and crying, Granadad says she needs to go to her mum to be comforted/fed. Dad says no, he’s only seen her for ten minutes, refuses to let her go to mum. Baby continues crying, mum hears it and can’t stay away from the room (no mother could!) so goes in to get baby. Dad kicks off saying you’re keeping baby from him. Lovely.

It’s already in an agreement that jd the baby needs the mother the baby will be passed to me through my dad or his mom ect this has been signed and covered already
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 11:07

Oh well if he's signed it then he'll definitely stick to it. Men who push pregnant women, smash their phones up and threaten to harm their family never go back on their word...

Wake up OP.

BingBongToTheMoon · 26/08/2021 11:07

@MrsRobbieHart

It has disaster written all over it.

1 contact session, dad been there 10 minutes, baby starts fussing and crying, Granadad says she needs to go to her mum to be comforted/fed. Dad says no, he’s only seen her for ten minutes, refuses to let her go to mum. Baby continues crying, mum hears it and can’t stay away from the room (no mother could!) so goes in to get baby. Dad kicks off saying you’re keeping baby from him. Lovely.

Yeah. I too am very very surprised that SS have agreed to this.
Dippydinosaurus · 26/08/2021 11:08

Your priorities are wrong. You want the baby to have a relationship with the dad but the absolute and only priority is keeping your baby is safe from harm. Forget about him, if he's that bothered he'll work with social services himself to facilitate contact. Just focus on you and the baby - show social services you have a safe place to live, that you will have no contact with your ex (change your ex's contact to a contact centre). You're trying to keep a link to him through your child

MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 11:08

It’s tense enough having a baby when you’re separated from the dad without the added risk of him kicking off. I was separated from my son’s father when my baby was born. I lived with my parents. Ex would come to see baby and ask for time alone with him, no problem, except he sulked when baby cried and had to come in to take him for a feed or comfort. It wasn’t me deciding after ten minutes to make the baby cry (I was in another room) but my ex saw it that I was taking his contact time. He would say the time for feeding had to be added on to the end, but baby wanted to sleep after feeding so ex would he sitting in my living room for how long? And if I needed to sleep while baby was sleeping? Couldn’t do that with ex downstairs. How long would he wait for? He couldn’t understand the reality of a newborn. All he saw was me preventing him having his son and it pissed him off and he would argue he with me.

Seriously OP you’re setting yourself up for disaster here.

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:08

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Oh well if he's signed it then he'll definitely stick to it. Men who push pregnant women, smash their phones up and threaten to harm their family never go back on their word...

Wake up OP.

Yeah well obviously if he wasn’t complying with it then the agreement would end simple ?
OP posts:
ShimmyYa · 26/08/2021 11:08

This is very serious, OP, and I’m afraid you are at risk of your baby being taken away.
SS arent just going to be looking for you to ‘comply’ with a checklist of behaviours. They will want to be satisfied that you accept the severity of the risk they believe your baby’s father poses and that you are willing to prioritise protecting your baby above all else - including the rights of your ex to see his child or the rights of your baby to see their father.

Currently, it’s coming a cross like you don’t really understand the severity of the situation you are in and think that if you are seen to comply for a bit, SS will go away. That may not be how you feel, but it’s how you are coming across. And it’s how you’ll come across to at the CP conference if you don’t urgently reflect on what is in your baby’s best interests right now, not in future, but NOW.

MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 11:10

It’s already in an agreement that jd the baby needs the mother the baby will be passed to me through my dad or his mom ect this has been signed and covered already

And what If he doesn’t agree the baby needs her mother? Who decides what counts as needing her mother? Your dad? His mum? Him? You from another room?

MondayYogurt · 26/08/2021 11:14

I don't think the baby (seeing her, playing with her etc) will change him.
Abusers don't change.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 11:14

Pushed you when you were pregnant.
Smashed your phone up so you couldn't use it.
Threatened to harm your family.

If despite the above you speak about the situation how you are on here, you're not going to give them any faith you understand how to keep your baby safe.

If they ask you if he has ever harmed you what will you say?

If they use that word - harm. What will you say?

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:16

@MrsRobbieHart

It’s already in an agreement that jd the baby needs the mother the baby will be passed to me through my dad or his mom ect this has been signed and covered already

And what If he doesn’t agree the baby needs her mother? Who decides what counts as needing her mother? Your dad? His mum? Him? You from another room?

Well maybe I can get this clarified more by the sw
OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 26/08/2021 11:18

Think you also need to add into the agreement that the father does not get to demand extra time if baby falls asleep or needs to be fed.

His presence in your house should be for a specific period and that is it.

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:25

One more thing id like to mention is all these incidents that happened between us have been when he’s been drinking , which is not an excuse at all. But when he’s not had a drink he’s fine nothing happens. He’s not going to be drunk around the baby obviously not. And maybe he can go on some alcohol missuse courses aswell

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 11:26

@frazzledasarock

Think you also need to add into the agreement that the father does not get to demand extra time if baby falls asleep or needs to be fed.

His presence in your house should be for a specific period and that is it.

There is set times he’s allowed to be here regardless of whether he’s asleep the whole time or not he has to leave by time stated in the agreeement
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 11:27

But when he’s not had a drink he’s fine nothing happens.

And yet he continued to drink, knowing it's (apparently) THE ONLY trigger for him being abusive.

Why won't you answer the question 'has he ever harmed you?'

Cleverpolly3 · 26/08/2021 11:31

Abuse of a mother is also abuse of a child.

Get that into your head and keep it there.

Your attitude is really worrying. I know you are young but it seems to me that you are minimising - possibly even disputing - the harm he’s caused you abs his unborn child while you were pregnant.
You also should never have agreed to that ludicrous contact suggestion. Change your mind and do it now. I wonder if they suggested this to test how amenable your are abs to get a barometer for if you will capitulate. I wouldn’t be a part of it. Tell them on reflection you are not comfortable with it, he is a risk and as such court will need to decide. SS can’t force you to allow contact.

I think you need to understand that much more of this being in denial about his past conduct and capability of future risk then you will certainly - and rightly I’m sad to say - see your baby removed from your care.

Care isn’t about nude baby clothes and cute things. It’s about keeping her safe and protecting her.
Right now I don’t think you are convincing anyone. Not even yourself.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 11:32

What have you decided to do about your baby's last name following your previous thread?

Swipe left for the next trending thread