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Original poster

Child conference and pre proceedings

348 replies

Mumtobe2021x · 25/08/2021 21:43

So my unborn baby who is due any day now I’ve been told is being placed on a child protection plan as the social believe she is at risk of harm due to me being involved in “domestic violence with the father” anyway I’ve moved back in with my dad and the social worker me and her dad have so far signed a contact arrangement plan or the father to have supervised contact with the baby at my address without me being in the room. I’ve also been told we’re having an initial child protection conference meeting and a pre proceedings meeting where both me and babies dad will have a solicitor with us provided by social services. I’m just wondering if anyone’s got any experience with this. They haven’t really explained much about these meetings and what could happen I’ve asked her but she doesn’t really explain a lot so can’t someone explain what I can expect ? Does it mean they’re considering taking the baby away or is it a plan to keep her in with me but in a safe way? I just want to know the possible outcomes as I feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 09:49

I am not going to Cancel the agreement. I know full well he is not going to harm the baby. I know this man and I know what he would and wouldn’t do and I can put my life on it that he would not cause no harm to this baby in any way therefore I’m not going to strip the baby of having a relationship with her father when he is not any risk to her and this way of contact is in a supervised safe environment it will give himself a chance to prove himself. Obviously if anything happened at one of these visits the contact would be stopped but I know nothing is going to happen. Yes maybe me and him have got a bad past together. Even the midwife who came to see me told me her and her partner used to Arhue and they used to push each other around , they split up and then got back together and they have children together. Things happen. Everyone has a temper it’s all about how you deal with your temper which is also based on the environment you’re in and who you are around. Around a baby and without me kn the room he’s not going to have a temper. He will also be going on courses to find ways to deal with his temper. But either way he would not do anything to put the baby at risk either way

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 09:51

@drspouse

Are your dad and his mum really going to stand up to a bully like him?
He Is not a bully at all. You have never seen this man and you do not know this man.
OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 09:54

Jesus. Hope SS do right by this child.

MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 09:55

You’ll be back with him in 6 weeks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 09:56

Do you believe he has harmed you OP?

He pushed you, smashed your phone and threatened to harm your family but you still seem to speak in riddles about the situation. "They believe he has harmed me."

If you're asked on the spot by them "has he harmed you" would your answer be no, or (as it should be) "he has frightened me, pushed me, smashed my phone up so I couldn't use it and threatened to hurt my family so yes he has harmed me in a number of different ways."

MrsBertBibby · 26/08/2021 10:00

Get a solicitor, OP. They can explain all this.

If you are London based or Surrey/Kent/Sussex let me know, I can suggest some good ones.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 26/08/2021 10:07

It’s not that they think the babies dad is going to directly harm the baby

...They absolutely do think he is going to directly harm the baby. That's the whole point of this conference.

You seriously have not grasped the basics of what is going on here, and on that basis, it seems likely that you are not currently capable of keeping your baby safe.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 26/08/2021 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 26/08/2021 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 10:14

Why have I got a horrible feeling you’ll try and see this man again?

Because she’s practically saying she will. She wants him in her house and is using the excuse of child contact to legitimise it. “SS say it’s fine” Hmm

simplelife100 · 26/08/2021 10:17

Lady where I live had 6 children removed because she would not get rid of her violent parent father of the children, if your apart and he is building a relationship with his child it will be ok if you get back as a couple and continue to be heated you will lose your child now that SS are apart of your life

GiantCheeseMonster · 26/08/2021 10:20

OP, men who hurt women also hurt children. And men who hurt children’s mothers also damage the children, even if they never lay a finger on them. If you want to keep your baby, you cannot have this man in your life. No father at all is better than an abusive one. PLO is a very serious stage to be at - you can go to Conference without it, and that is actually much more common. The fact that SS think PLO is necessary as well as Conference shows that they think removing the baby is a very real possibility. They will not do this for no reason. You need to be very clear on what you must do to keep your child and it will involve not having contact with this man and accepting he is an abuser.

doingnothing · 26/08/2021 10:21

He Is not a bully at all. You have never seen this man and you do not know this man

well he certainly sounds like one and evidently social services think the same. they’re the ones who matter, you need to comply with them fully or yes, you’ll lose your child

Handsoffstrikesagain · 26/08/2021 10:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:41

@simplelife100

Lady where I live had 6 children removed because she would not get rid of her violent parent father of the children, if your apart and he is building a relationship with his child it will be ok if you get back as a couple and continue to be heated you will lose your child now that SS are apart of your life
That’s what I’m doing, we’re not getting in a relationship at all it’s beyond past that point now but he is having a relationship with his child and so am I but we’re doing this separately. Obviously at the moment the social have suggested the contact is at my home because the baby is so young to be travelling around and have said for me to not be in the same room which I won’t be. I said I might go out the house completely while he’s visiting but I think they suggested staying in the home but a separate room incase the baby needs mother for anything. But we are absolutely NOT getting back in a relationship at all. We’re just having separate relationships with the baby so she has both mum and dad. I am not stupid enough to continue a relationship with the father it’s already gotten to far and any more incidents between us would obviously have very serious consequences which I’m not going to risk at all
OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:43

@doingnothing

He Is not a bully at all. You have never seen this man and you do not know this man

well he certainly sounds like one and evidently social services think the same. they’re the ones who matter, you need to comply with them fully or yes, you’ll lose your child

I am complying with them I’m doing what they’re asking at these meetings I’m going to do all they ask whether that’s courses or whatever it may be I’m doing what they ask
OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:44

@MrsRobbieHart

Why have I got a horrible feeling you’ll try and see this man again?

Because she’s practically saying she will. She wants him in her house and is using the excuse of child contact to legitimise it. “SS say it’s fine” Hmm

I wasn’t even the one who suggested it being in my house I said maybe they can go to a visitation center or something or I can just leave the house when he’s here but the social worker said it’s best to do it in the house which me just in a different room so that’s what I am doing ?
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 10:44

Would be interested in your thoughts on this as it could be useful for you to try and understand why people took issue with your wording and saw it as a red flag. So...

Do you believe he has harmed you OP?

He pushed you, smashed your phone and threatened to harm your family but you still seem to speak in riddles about the situation. "They believe he has harmed me."

If you're asked on the spot by them "has he harmed you" would your answer be no, or (as it should be) "he has frightened me, pushed me, smashed my phone up so I couldn't use it and threatened to hurt my family so yes he has harmed me in a number of different ways."

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:46

@Handsoffstrikesagain

You are minimising this situation so much. The midwife did not tell you any of that. I hope SS see through this and baby is kept safe.
The midwife absolutely did tell me that and I’m not minimising anything at all. I’m not in a relationship with him, but I’m not stopping him seeing his daughter when he’s not going to cause her any harm
OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 26/08/2021 10:47

Unfortunately men who re violent and abusive and likely to harm their children absolutely get contact with their vulnerable young children every single day.

Your social worker sounds shocking if she is minimising abuse because she was in an abusive relationship and is now married with kids with her abuser. That doesn't make it right or acceptable for her or any other woman and children.

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:48

@frazzledasarock

Unfortunately men who re violent and abusive and likely to harm their children absolutely get contact with their vulnerable young children every single day.

Your social worker sounds shocking if she is minimising abuse because she was in an abusive relationship and is now married with kids with her abuser. That doesn't make it right or acceptable for her or any other woman and children.

My midwife said that she was in a relationship with someone who they was arguing a lot and pushing each other not the social worker. I don’t think the social worker is minimising the risks but instead trying to look for ways to minimise then
OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 26/08/2021 10:50

I wasn’t even the one who suggested it being in my house I said maybe they can go to a visitation center or something or I can just leave the house when he’s here but the social worker said it’s best to do it in the house which me just in a different room so that’s what I am doing ?

Except you’re not doing what you should be doing and that’s preventing an abuser having access to your child. Though, I’m sure you’ll tell me now he isn’t an abuser. Hmm

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:51

Yes obviously if I was still in a relationship with him and seeing him especially in front of a baby then yes maybe things coukd get heated and that would definitely affect the baby I’m not in any way denying this . Hence why we’ve came to a safe contact agreement

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 10:54

Anyway my original question is what can I expect at these meetings ? What happens normally what do they discuss and what are the outcomes

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/08/2021 10:55

@Mumtobe2021x

I am not going to Cancel the agreement. I know full well he is not going to harm the baby. I know this man and I know what he would and wouldn’t do and I can put my life on it that he would not cause no harm to this baby in any way therefore I’m not going to strip the baby of having a relationship with her father when he is not any risk to her and this way of contact is in a supervised safe environment it will give himself a chance to prove himself. Obviously if anything happened at one of these visits the contact would be stopped but I know nothing is going to happen. Yes maybe me and him have got a bad past together. Even the midwife who came to see me told me her and her partner used to Arhue and they used to push each other around , they split up and then got back together and they have children together. Things happen. Everyone has a temper it’s all about how you deal with your temper which is also based on the environment you’re in and who you are around. Around a baby and without me kn the room he’s not going to have a temper. He will also be going on courses to find ways to deal with his temper. But either way he would not do anything to put the baby at risk either way
You are minimising and hearing what you want to hear. He is abusive, a risk to you and your baby's wellbeing. If you are not married he can only be registered as the father if present, which is not going to happen if you follow SS directions. You need to make good choices about putting distance between you with clear boundaries. Him seeing the baby while you are at home is not going to meet this threshold. He will use the baby to manipulate you emotionally if not physically, putting you at risk of losing the baby.