Child conference and pre proceedings

[Mumtobe2021x]

So my unborn baby who is due any day now I’ve been told is being placed on a child protection plan as the social believe she is at risk of harm due to me being involved in “domestic violence with the father” anyway I’ve moved back in with my dad and the social worker me and her dad have so far signed a contact arrangement plan or the father to have supervised contact with the baby at my address without me being in the room. I’ve also been told we’re having an initial child protection conference meeting and a pre proceedings meeting where both me and babies dad will have a solicitor with us provided by social services. I’m just wondering if anyone’s got any experience with this. They haven’t really explained much about these meetings and what could happen I’ve asked her but she doesn’t really explain a lot so can’t someone explain what I can expect ? Does it mean they’re considering taking the baby away or is it a plan to keep her in with me but in a safe way? I just want to know the possible outcomes as I feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed messages

Nobody wants to think the person they love is a monster.

Mine was financially abusive, coercive and controlling. I have no doubt he would have got physical if I hadn’t left when I did.

The CP conference is where they will go through the CP plan with all those involved. They will look at what is working well and what isn't. They will think of ways to ensure that things continue to work well and look at strategies to get other things working better. This can be anything from a support work, more contact with social worker, support from your families, staying away from your partner, attending groups etc etc. It really will be unique to your situation. CP plans are put in place to safeguard you all but specifically your unborn child. The aim is to keep you together but to ensure this is done safely.
The legal proceedings most likely at this stage is to make this legal. However often there are many things the courts would like before they act on this. Social services do not just go around removing babies from mothers unless Baby is in immediate risk or suffering significant abuse.
As you have separated from your partner I would imagine they will be looking at legal prcoeeding to have a legal safety plan if you do get back with him or if there is an incident between you both, impacting on the baby.

Ask your solicitor lots of questions and ensure you fully understand what is being said to you. No question is silly as you are talking about your child. It can be daunting but ultimately social services are there to support and ensure baby is safe.
Don't listen to people telling you to cancel the contact. The social worker would have objected if she thought that it was unsafe and would hope that you would speak up if you thought it inappropriate. She is 100% correct about ferrying a newborn around if there risk can be managed. Also just would not work if you choose to breastfeed. The thing is if it dosent work then alternative arrangements can be made. There has to be an element of positive risk taking. The baby is being safeguarded by two grandparents, which is 1000% better than a random person ferrying the baby to and from contact centres if it is not necessary.
Hope the CP conference goes OK and you all pull together to formulate a plan to keep you and baby safe.

We was arguing and I was trying to get into his car to talk and he literally just pulled me out the way he didn’t actually “push” me he moved me out the way so I couldn’t get in his car. He didn’t do it in a way to cause harm

Does he drink drive as well then?

You make it sound as though this abuse is all quite unintentional. It probably is to some extent, he is drunk, isn't necessarily acting in a premeditated way. But those instances where someone loses it, has no control over themselves, when they react and start using physical force because (as you say yourself) they are stressed are precisely the times when they hurt others. He lost it with you. What makes you think he wouldn't lose it with a baby?

I hope you are not down playing the threat he poses or the abuse towards you when you speak to social work. This will sound alarm bells. In fact I wouldn't mind betting that there is far more to this story than you are letting on. I think they fully expect this contact arrangement to pose significant risk, and when it does you will find they have started proceedings.

OP stop putting a bloke over your defenceless unborn baby. His actions and your refusal to see what he has done has the potential for you to lose your baby.
Do the freedom programme , get a back bone and tell SS that you will be having no contact with him.

I don’t think any of the posters here are convinced you can keep your baby safe so I doubt the experts will be convinced as they will have seen all of this 100 times before.
What a shame to go through pregnancy and the birth to have your baby removed simply because you’re addicted to pandering to this pathetic so-called man

@Fml2015

The CP conference is where they will go through the CP plan with all those involved. They will look at what is working well and what isn't. They will think of ways to ensure that things continue to work well and look at strategies to get other things working better. This can be anything from a support work, more contact with social worker, support from your families, staying away from your partner, attending groups etc etc. It really will be unique to your situation. CP plans are put in place to safeguard you all but specifically your unborn child. The aim is to keep you together but to ensure this is done safely. The legal proceedings most likely at this stage is to make this legal. However often there are many things the courts would like before they act on this. Social services do not just go around removing babies from mothers unless Baby is in immediate risk or suffering significant abuse. As you have separated from your partner I would imagine they will be looking at legal prcoeeding to have a legal safety plan if you do get back with him or if there is an incident between you both, impacting on the baby. Ask your solicitor lots of questions and ensure you fully understand what is being said to you. No question is silly as you are talking about your child. It can be daunting but ultimately social services are there to support and ensure baby is safe. Don't listen to people telling you to cancel the contact. The social worker would have objected if she thought that it was unsafe and would hope that you would speak up if you thought it inappropriate. She is 100% correct about ferrying a newborn around if there risk can be managed. Also just would not work if you choose to breastfeed. The thing is if it dosent work then alternative arrangements can be made. There has to be an element of positive risk taking. The baby is being safeguarded by two grandparents, which is 1000% better than a random person ferrying the baby to and from contact centres if it is not necessary. Hope the CP conference goes OK and you all pull together to formulate a plan to keep you and baby safe.

Thank you. This is my point also surely if the social worker thought this contact plan was not safe she would not of wrote it and signed it. She said to me that this contact plan will be in place either way. This contact plan in my opinion is minimising any potential risks to the baby I see it as a safe way for him to prove he is no risk to the baby. If this contact plan was not working it does say it can be changed at any time with agreement of everyone. So if it wasn’t working and he was posing a risk to the unborn then obviously it would be stopped immediately but this is highly unlikely for him to put her at any risk. I can understand why people would say he is going to be a risk to the baby ect I can understand that but every situation is different. I am very aware of how vulnerable a baby is and how other people’s actions can impact them in different ways which is why this plan is in place to avoid any incidents and to be 100% that he won’t me a risk to the baby in a safe manageable way.

@Rosieandjim04

OP stop putting a bloke over your defenceless unborn baby. His actions and your refusal to see what he has done has the potential for you to lose your baby. Do the freedom programme , get a back bone and tell SS that you will be having no contact with him.

If I was putting him first I would still be in a relationship with him, I would still be living with him, I would be saying I want him to see the baby whenever. But I’m not, instead I’m looking at safe manageable ways for him to have contact with his child for the babies sake because the baby deserves a relationship with her dad unless he becomes a danger to her

Why are you determined that he should have contact at all costs? Genuine question.

The baby does not need a relationship with this man, and it seems as if you are planning for this to all 'blow over' with a bit of good behaviour from him during supervised contact, to ss get off your back, and then you can go back to playing happy (!) families with him?

If that's your thinking then you need to change it. Now.

Mumtobe2021x

“I won’t be back with him I don’t want him back nor does he want me back”

I think this is the reality of this situation, he’s actually dumped you and it’s not your choice at all. You are looking to win him back by facilitating playing happy families, you are a disgrace quite frankly.

FFS , what’s wrong with you? You keep talking about him not putting your baby at risk.
He pushed you, while you were pregnant. Can I say that again , he pushed you WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT . Do you not think this was putting your unborn baby at risk? Suppose you fell, how you can keep harping on about you ‘betting your life’ on him not harming your baby is just totally beyond me
I also have my doubts that you have split up from him, you can’t live with him, you know there’s no way that SS would allow that and for you to keep your baby. I reckon it’s entirely possible you have made it appear that you are no longer together in an attempt to try to deceive SS, with a view to once they see nothing has happened we can casually get back together
If you carry on with this blatant disregard for the emotional as well as physical well being of your newborn then it’s a done deal, SS will remove your baby and despite what you think, they DO NOT need your agreement. They can and will take your baby away if they have the slightest concern for her safety
You know what type of person your ‘ex’ is yet you seem quite put out at the actions of SS, and you seem far more bothered about making sure everyone knows what a great dad he will be, rather than being bothered about what kind of life she will have with this violent aggressive man in it . I just don’t get it

This is my point also surely if the social worker thought this contact plan was not safe she would not of wrote it and signed it. She said to me that this contact plan will be in place either way. This contact plan in my opinion is minimising any potential risks to the baby I see it as a safe way for him to prove he is no risk to the baby

You seem to have completely disregarded the point I made in my post of Thu 26-Aug-21 13:18:32

Fair enough - your choice, as is everything else. But the attitude you show in this paragraph could well mean your baby is not safe with you.

I say again - your choice

OP......I've worked with dozens of pregnant women who have been in absolute dire straits and their babies have gone on to CP plans. None of have gone straight to PLO. Consider why your situation is different. Anyone who works in this area knows that you do not find yourself in this situation based solely on a disclosure of pushing your a fireman. You are entitled to not share your private business on here but if this is the way you are constructing the event in your head, you will absolutely lose your child. It isn't about complying with actions/orders and jumping through hoops , it's about your thought process and mindset, which social services are skilled at assessing. You won't pull the wool over their eyes.

Please please please understand this isn't just procedure, this isn't what happens in every case. Based on what you have described, they are gravely worried, and they will take action. Please wise up!

Have you sorted a Solicitor yet?

I've not read all of the replies but I noticed one thing - whenever you refer to your child you've either said "the baby" and once said "his daughter"

Why?

@EmergencyHydrangea

I can see his actions are wrong and u am no way saying they’re right but his actions are to get at ME.

Abusive men regularly kill their children to get at their children's mothers

Yes OP, his actions ARE to get at you. Which unfortunately means he can, and will use any tactic to hurt you.

Which means he could use your baby to hurt you. Read that back to yourself. He could use your baby to hurt you.

My ex has certainly used my love for my kids to hurt me - whilst never physical, even something as mundane as cancelling contact plans an hour before drop-off can have a huge impact on the child, and on the resident parent. My kids and I have all had counselling due to the ongoing attitude of my ex, which is so much less violent than yours.

He WILL use your child to hurt you. Which means that along the way, your child will be hurt (physically, emotionally, financially) by him, in the process of hurting you.

Wake up ffs, smell the coffee, protect your kid.

I think Beefcurtains 79 has it spot on unfortunately.

You are minimising.
You do not know if this man will hurt your baby you simply hope he won't.

You're not capable of these decisions unfortunately right now. I hope you are one day because dc with a mother who faces the truth will thrive more than one who pretends they can predict someone with a volatile temper.

You say everyone has a temper. But not everyone has an uncontrollable temper op. That's the issue here.

If you find it inside yourself to accept what's real even if it is upsetting to you, your dc will thank you one day even if they never see this man. Take all the advice on board but it does sound like ss have gotten to the point where they're warning you, it's baby or ex.

So I'd start practicing exercising that choice. Saying to yourself you will protect your baby and not this man. Unless you believe he's worth losing your dc over. The choice remains with you though because you are the mother.
My mother didn't choose her dc. I know the outcome and it's awful. I have nc with her now as an adult.

I hope you can be stronger than that.
All the best with the birth.

OP Anyone who can hurt you while his baby is inside you will not be a good Dad. I'm sorry for you as letting go of that fairy tale perfect family image really hurts. Lots of abusers start kicking off during pregnancy and it never gets better. All the professionals involved will know this. Is there a refuge/ women's aid near you at all? I think you really need DV support urgently. This is so awful for you, I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

You’ve said he doesn’t want you back but are you agreeing to allow an abusive man in your child’s life because YOU want him back ?

What is it about a man that is abusive to a heavily pregnant women that makes you want to allow him around a child,he didn’t give a shit about the child when he put his hands on you.

Your priority should be your child not your love/sex life with this person.

Get a grip now and be a mother before someone else becomes that child’s mother.

I've been watching your posts OP.

You sound like I did. I was in an abusive relationship too.

My children no longer live with me because at the time, I minimised the risks of what was happening in our lives and I did make the mistake of not putting my children first. I lied and didn't engage with any of the help social services offered me. I told them we were apart when we weren't and numerous other things.

They WILL take your baby if they believe you are lying to them.

I see my children every two months now. For an hour and a half. Is that what you want? I'm still having supervised contact, although we're working towards unsupervised now.

Please for the love of god, don't make the same mistakes I did. Once it's done, it's so hard to change it back. You'll regret it for the rest of your life too. The guilt will never go away.

You need to cut all contact with this man. Allow social services to decide whether he should have contact. All the while you are facilitating him, you're putting your child at risk, and that is all that social services need to see.

Listen to this poster @wiltshirelass1418 above. Please.

@wiltshirelass1418

I've been watching your posts OP.

You sound like I did. I was in an abusive relationship too.

My children no longer live with me because at the time, I minimised the risks of what was happening in our lives and I did make the mistake of not putting my children first. I lied and didn't engage with any of the help social services offered me. I told them we were apart when we weren't and numerous other things.

They WILL take your baby if they believe you are lying to them.

I see my children every two months now. For an hour and a half. Is that what you want? I'm still having supervised contact, although we're working towards unsupervised now.

Please for the love of god, don't make the same mistakes I did. Once it's done, it's so hard to change it back. You'll regret it for the rest of your life too. The guilt will never go away.

You need to cut all contact with this man. Allow social services to decide whether he should have contact. All the while you are facilitating him, you're putting your child at risk, and that is all that social services need to see.

This is so hard to read :(

@Pebbledashery nowhere near as hard as waking up every day and knowing that you failed your children, but I have to carry on for them. At the end of the day I am still their mum.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

wiltshire do you have a chance to get them back?

I suppose there is a chance if I could show to social services that I could be a good parent. However my children are 10 and 11 now, one just going into secondary school and they've had enough upheaval in their lives already. They've been living with their foster carer since 2016 and they're used to that routine. I'm not sure it would be beneficial for them to uproot them. Once they're old enough to make decisions about contact it will be easier.