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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child conference and pre proceedings

348 replies

Mumtobe2021x · 25/08/2021 21:43

So my unborn baby who is due any day now I’ve been told is being placed on a child protection plan as the social believe she is at risk of harm due to me being involved in “domestic violence with the father” anyway I’ve moved back in with my dad and the social worker me and her dad have so far signed a contact arrangement plan or the father to have supervised contact with the baby at my address without me being in the room. I’ve also been told we’re having an initial child protection conference meeting and a pre proceedings meeting where both me and babies dad will have a solicitor with us provided by social services. I’m just wondering if anyone’s got any experience with this. They haven’t really explained much about these meetings and what could happen I’ve asked her but she doesn’t really explain a lot so can’t someone explain what I can expect ? Does it mean they’re considering taking the baby away or is it a plan to keep her in with me but in a safe way? I just want to know the possible outcomes as I feel like I’m getting a lot of mixed messages

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 26/08/2021 21:31

I think maybe people have forgotten the police powers to remove children at risk of significant harm.

Anyway, These are the types of cases I think of when people trot out phrases like “ mums know best” or “ happy mum, happy baby” - mother’s do not always know best sadly. Im afraid I have no capacity for compassion anymore. I’ve seen these scenarios played out too often and all my concern sits with the baby. I know that’s cold but I’m just done with it.

TolkiensFallow · 26/08/2021 21:33

Your ex clearly can’t control his emotions or behave well around you, I don’t know why you think he will be different with a child?

whattodrinkwithmygin · 26/08/2021 21:34

You. Will. Lose. Your. Baby. If you carry on like this. You should be protecting HER, not him.

As someone who has witnessed in a similar situation, unless you buck your ideas up sharpish, that is what will happen.

You need to decide who is more important - this 'man', or your child. It's as simple as that.

TolkiensFallow · 26/08/2021 21:34

Also I think you should make a Claire law application. You’ll find out if he’s got previous for abusing women.

whattodrinkwithmygin · 26/08/2021 21:37

Ugh, when I think how hard I had to fight against my abusive ex, this actually makes me feel sick. You have been given the chance for a new start and a new life (it may not feel like it now, but it is!!) and you are STILL prioritising someone who has hurt you, and who WILL (not if, not but) hurt your baby.

Pebbledashery · 26/08/2021 21:38

@whattodrinkwithmygin

Ugh, when I think how hard I had to fight against my abusive ex, this actually makes me feel sick. You have been given the chance for a new start and a new life (it may not feel like it now, but it is!!) and you are STILL prioritising someone who has hurt you, and who WILL (not if, not but) hurt your baby.
Because you're a mother who prioritised her children. This person who has made this thread is the danger to her baby. She will be the one to put her at risk.
Divebar2021 · 26/08/2021 21:39

Also I think you should make a Claire law application. You’ll find out if he’s got previous for abusing women

Police may be attendance at this meeting and may share any relevant information with the meeting. I’ve had to share information that a “dad” had convictions for sexual offences and the wife was sat there and knew nothing about it.

Imnewhere1991 · 26/08/2021 21:40

I'm glad this child will be closely monitored. If any of this thread is true?

MsJinks · 26/08/2021 21:40

I’m sure social have ran checks on mr perfect dad - doesn’t matter to OP what is said about him anyway - she knows he’s a dad their child needs to see.
Looks as if she - and all around - will have to learn the hard way but probably will just think social are being spiteful or dumb like internet posters.
I really don’t know what anyone can say to make her understand the situation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 21:43

@TolkiensFallow

Also I think you should make a Claire law application. You’ll find out if he’s got previous for abusing women.
She will just say he must have been drunk when he was previously abusive. Or that he didn't mean it and it wasn't intentional.
Emmelina · 26/08/2021 21:43

@MsJinks

I’m sure social have ran checks on mr perfect dad - doesn’t matter to OP what is said about him anyway - she knows he’s a dad their child needs to see. Looks as if she - and all around - will have to learn the hard way but probably will just think social are being spiteful or dumb like internet posters. I really don’t know what anyone can say to make her understand the situation.
Oh yes, I’m sure the baby will be taken for her own safety and op will be all over the “social took my baby to meet their adoption quotas!” forums.
MsJinks · 26/08/2021 21:44

There’s some case law showing that it is irrelevant in one way the good or bad of a parent, the important bit is that the parent wanting residency accepts anyone could pose a risk and cannot associate with anyone whom courts, social etc have advised them is a risk - even if it later turned out that ‘anyone’ was fine all along. It’s about you showing that you can be told about risk OP and act on that - not whether ex is or is not capable of being a brilliant dad.

TolkiensFallow · 26/08/2021 21:45

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes very probably. Sometimes they’re impactful though if there are enough convictions there in black and white.

MsJinks · 26/08/2021 21:48

Yes, sadly, and actually I’m sure there are a few decisions that aren’t great over the years, but nearly all are deliberate or ignorant misunderstandings of what was required - doesn’t help anyone - except the tin foil hat experts making a Bob or two from folks’ misery!

Queenie6655 · 26/08/2021 21:54

@MrsRobbieHart

You’ll be back with him in 6 weeks
This just went through my head

And I say this because I was in your shoes

I let the bastard back in after multiple beatings

What did he do next

He flung the baby across the bedroom !!!

You must be very careful here

You are minimising so much

whattodrinkwithmygin · 26/08/2021 21:56

@Pebbledashery sadly I fear that you are absolutely right Sad

Queenie6655 · 26/08/2021 21:57

Sounds like a lot of moving things around and having extra people accommodate a fcking ABUSER

they are scum

I bet this escalated in pregnancy like many d v cases do

Queenie6655 · 26/08/2021 21:59

@Mumtobe2021x

One more thing id like to mention is all these incidents that happened between us have been when he’s been drinking , which is not an excuse at all. But when he’s not had a drink he’s fine nothing happens. He’s not going to be drunk around the baby obviously not. And maybe he can go on some alcohol missuse courses aswell
I mean this with the utmost respect OP

no No no

Just no

No more excuses for him

I kick myself I made so many excuses
Even when the met police came to arrest him I stood in their way to make excuses for him

Trauma bonding ?!

Anyway apart from my rants
Lots of good advice on here
Please listen to the warnings from many wise posters OP
Please
Please

Original poster
Mumtobe2021x · 26/08/2021 22:05

I won’t be back with him I don’t want him back nor does he want me back

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 22:06
  • broke down the door of your house
  • smashed your phone up so you couldn't use it even in an emergency

Were neither of those putting your unborn baby in harms way? No?

These are questions you'll be asked at some point. Whats your answer?

CornishTiger · 26/08/2021 22:11

Are you working with any domestic abuse organisations?

Ilovedacake · 26/08/2021 22:11

@Mumtobe2021x I’m a child protection social worker. Your ex is irrelevant at this point. Children’s Services are now considering whether you are protective of your child - not whether he is abusive, which is fact. Even if you remain separated from your ex, they will need to be sure that you won’t get into a relationship with someone similar, or worse. You need to be evidencing that you understand what risk is and how you protect your child from that risk. You’re not currently doing that. You can only be certain of your own behaviour, not anyone else’s, so you cannot say that you ‘know’ that he would never hurt your child. You need to open your eyes to all of the risks that he poses - physical; emotional; psychological - a newborn baby can be seriously injured if caught up in any incident of violence, even if that is unintended, and the emotional impact of hearing domestic abuse can damage a child’s well-being and their development from when you are pregnant, causing lifelong issues. Please wake up.

EmergencyHydrangea · 26/08/2021 22:21

I can see his actions are wrong and u am no way saying they’re right but his actions are to get at ME.

Abusive men regularly kill their children to get at their children's mothers

MsJinks · 26/08/2021 22:24

You can’t get clearer advice than that OP. Listen to the child protection worker.
It will be flagged as concerning your comment - he doesn’t want me back - that shouldn’t be relevant or on your radar. It’s you who decides who you see or don’t see.
You must feel you can’t do right for anyone - which is hard I know - but folk are just flagging the very best way you can conduct yourself to keep your child - it’s just you’re not quite getting it. You really do need educational support around this - please start looking into what good relationships look like, self esteem, boundaries - for you and your future. That probably sounds a bit patronising- so think that we’re all stupid and you should do you - but maybe I hope you will later think again and make a step towards improving your own well-being.

SpaceBethSmith · 26/08/2021 22:32
  1. My cousins ex had him back after he kept shoving her whilst pregnant. Then after the baby was born, he shoved her whilst she was holding the baby. Neighbours called the police.

For whatever reason he was released and she had him back; a week later he strangled her, she almost died.

At this point we were all alerted to this by her Mum. Obviously we no longer talk to said cousin, and we supported her to move, donated all sorts to her as she had to start from scratch.

Bastard did a years jail time for “GBH”. No. It was attempted murder. Fortunately the courts also decided he couldn’t see his child.

  1. DSis had a bloke that shoved her. And shoved her. And shoved her. Then he smacked her around. Then he strangled her - I had to pull him off her whilst my DNiece sobbed in the corner (was 4 at the time, and fortunately he isn’t her father).

He did 8 weeks in prison.

Please fucking listen OP.