Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote HairyArsedMan]@outdooryone Don't take gifts !

If you're doing outdoorsy stuff take snacks. Everyone loves a bloke that can pull a banana out of nowhere, right ? Ok, maybe not, but just be thoughtful.

Ask them how they prefer to be greeted. No one way, and also go with how you normally do things otherwise it's definitely going to be stiff and awkward.

On clothing, if you're both onboard with the activity, you're going to both be dressing down, so wouldn't worry.

Good luck ![/quote]
You've given me a right chuckle. You're right though, bring snacks and with me, you're golden!

@VanGoghsDog thank you so much. Yes I see what you mean, they do look chilly 🥶 ! I know I can't help it though, they are strangers to me. At least I know I have not said anything wrong as such and I hope going on 1 date doesn't mean Im in a couple. That would be suffocating!

@Hehx3, I agree with Vangoghsdog, I think your messages seem a little cool whereas his seem pretty open and friendly. He’s jumped to the conclusion that you are not interested by misinterpreting what you were trying to say about not needing to send the good morning check in. If you have no interest in pursuing anything with him then there’s no further action required. If you feel the need to clarify the point you were trying to make then that would re start the conversation between you - unless he’s already decided he also now doesn’t want to pursue anything. Texting is my least favourite form of communication, far too open to interpretation. I find text conversations back and forth hugely tedious.
Sexting, to add to that debate, can be great for building some anticipation of your next meet but as a substitute for the real thing , no never going to hit the spot for me.

Good morning check in messages are difficult. Computer Geek and I did them everyday, with Mr Cricket it was never like that. The only time Mr Cricket checked in on me every day was after my cat died and I did the same when he got covid.

@outdooryone

welcome!

I agree for apps meeting quick coffee, you can make the second meet a walk if you hit it off? I'd definitely put the outdoors bit on your profile. Maybe name some second date activities you'd like to do?

Meetup may be an option but maybe see it as "an opportunity to engage with the group and do the activity and if you meet someone you have stuff in common with it's a bonus".

Like @VanGoghsDog said (and there's another thread going on about this) there's a lot of guys at Meetup who just seem to gravitate to the youngish, attractive women and then "immediately try to get their number or private message them and want a 1-1 connection" and this is horrid for the group.

Even if you are having good conversations and you find someone attractive (it's a social thing and people come alone, so of course women tend to be quite open and relaxed and chatty), please don't then "decide someone is a potential date or pursue them as 1-1 contact".

Just turn up more, talk to everyone, male and female, help out the group in general, see where the lie of the land is.

I absolutely love the good morning and good night messages! Even from irons I haven't met! Not the 'gorgeous' bit until you've met, but a good morning always puts a smile on my face. Which just goes to show how different we all are. I can't sext with someone I don't fancy, and I have to meet them to know if I fancy them. I love getting flowers but not from strangers. And I don't like being called a lady. Horses, courses, tomato tomato...

On a separate note - I was looking for any speed dating or slow dating events around here and ended up downloading an app called Once. You fill out loads of stuff, there's rules about photos (no groups, not blurry, etc), they then send you one well chosen local match a day so you can focus on that one for 24 hours rather that just swipe madly. So I did all that, good photos, wrote stuff, chose interests, all that. Got my first match: Blurry potato. Second match: Group of blurry potatoes. No text. Before deleting the app I may suggest to them they rename it Never.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I will be getting the in-person potatoes so I hope you're jealous .

@Onesmallstep67 yeah I am afraid I am pretty blunt in the conversations well. It is hard cause I want to be nice but I don't want anyone to overstep my boundaries. But as @VanGoghsDog said if I really fancied him I would have probably reacted differently. I had an eek towards him for those selfies "requests", however yesterday he felt completely approachable and respectful so I was willing to give it another go, but well, he decided to abort the mission, so I will let it be.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@WeWantTheFinestWines

I will be getting the in-person potatoes so I hope you're jealous .[/quote]
Make sure you leave your contact lenses out to ensure they are properly blurry, to get the full effect!

@Hehx3

agree you just weren't that into him so no harm done, I'd have been turned off by the selfie requests too?

Not sure how old he was or if he uses social media a lot but obviously a first meet is quite a "private" thing, so I'd be worried about him having bad boundaries.

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma i never thought of it like that, that something could be missing now? my heads all over the show after so much flakiness and months of being strong and not caving to him i feel like almost back to square one again!
Yay to alll the positive dates happening, patience is really really hard isn’t it. And hugs to all those feeling low… never to soon to break out the prosecco and get some 90’s techno on the boom-box?
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards so pleased you’ve a date lined up! 😍[/quote]
Or that MrElf can't provide something different but often there's a 'something amiss' element when we still have crushes on exes or new people. I was always told to go back and go deep into the relationship I was in, although that was a marriage. Which therapist was supportive of me ending because abusive however I think the theory stands for all crushes or yearnings you have for others

@VanGoghsDog

Haha I'll have paid for the privilege too!

I'm planning to be fairly boundaried though - no drinking too much and being last at the bar and swapping contacts with guys I don't fancy "just in case"? Will just stick to the "formal online match thing" afterwards. If I don't get any matches I get another one free anyway.

Will expect to be doing a post-event report here sober straight after it finishes!

[quote HairyArsedMan]**@BelladiMamma* Agree with @SortingItOut* he is putting a lot of pressure on himself. Is he new to it all ? Might take him some time to figure out that it's not about performing or "winning", rather exploring and figuring out where you mesh, and that entails dealing with the rough as well as the smooth.[/quote]
I've left him a voice note and he's going to call me later. I'm worried that I might go all rescuer on him as this can be a pattern for me, so I'm going to dial it right down to friendship now.

Thanks for all your input everyone, really helpful

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Sounds too much hard work tbh.

Yeh I agree on Bumble initially there seemed to be a few who would come up with “flowery praise” along with “hinting how many other guys I was going to be meeting and how they weren’t good enough for me”.

Just seemed weird and socially unskilled. Then you get the pushy sex creeps otherwise so no happy medium!

I’d personally be tempted to just cut my losses with all the long chats and virtual irons (as if we hadn’t pinned down a meet by now it seems unlikely and just more emotional maintenance/drama to organise/overthink on both sides) have a break, then make a fresh start.[/quote]
Yes. Which app? Tinder? Give up on Bumble cos of all the bloody flakes?

I was with a male friend this afternoon, what an eye opener. He's on 5!!! And he's got zero dates. He hasn't asked one person out. He has a conversation then if it fizzled out he leaves it. He's also not very responsive, takes him a day or two to send the first message after matching.

@WeWantTheFinestWines 'not on your nelly' 😂

MrMud got back to me suggesting I go over to his for a meal this weekend. Question is, should I pack some bits in case I stay overnight? Is that too presumptuous?
I think it very likely that we will DTD, he only had to rush off last time to get home for his animals, otherwise I'm sure it would have happened already. I suppose it does no harm to just stuff some deodorant, toothbrush and spare top/underwear in my bag just in case. I'm going to his by train, so could get away with having a small backpack rather than a huge overnight bag I suppose.

This made me laugh...a lot....sorry

@Dirtyduck

Yeah, take a small overnight kit for sure! Just to make your life more comfortable.

Date zero was a success 🙌🏼

I wouldn't have looked twice at him TBH, an average looking guy but we had great chat and didn't stop talking the whole time. He's already messaged asking to see me again too 😊

@dancemom - Wohoo! Sounds very promising!

Yay @dancemom!

When you say you wouldn't have looked at him twice - had you seen pics on his profile? Were they very different?

So glad it went well.

I had seen his profile and was in 2 minds on swiping to be honest. I actually no swiped on Tinder then saw him on Bumble, read his full profile and thought, what the heck ... Sometimes I'm totally picky when I swipe and sometimes I try and judge based on their profile rather than their pictures. Obviously if someone was a complete potato I'm left swiping regardless but I've been trying to judge more on lifestyle rather than looks and I'm glad I did.

I totally had that thing where the more you chat the more you become attracted to someone.

@VanGoghsDog I've just got to your Date Zero Protocol - absolutely love this. I should have had it on Tuesday evening when I needed it! But definitely good tips for the men too.

This group is so good - buoyed up by Bella earlier today I proposed coffee meet up to Mr Printer and he's up for it, though it might be a while to organise because of his shifts. I have given him my number.

I also went back to Mr Sexty and said we should meet before professing the convo - there is a bit of distance involved so he's suggested a call first.

But, progress!

As an aside - apart from not being in my comfort zone sexting with someone I haven't met, I am waaaaaaaay out of practice on any of that stuff anyway. So I hope Mr Sexty is not just looking for phone sex instead as I've definitely got more experience rolling over and going to sleep. 😬

@dancemom

I had seen his profile and was in 2 minds on swiping to be honest. I actually no swiped on Tinder then saw him on Bumble, read his full profile and thought, what the heck ... Sometimes I'm totally picky when I swipe and sometimes I try and judge based on their profile rather than their pictures. Obviously if someone was a complete potato I'm left swiping regardless but I've been trying to judge more on lifestyle rather than looks and I'm glad I did.

I totally had that thing where the more you chat the more you become attracted to someone.

Know what you mean. Sounds like a fab first meeting and really good connection