Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

So... he called after i sent a message about sonething else he had asked about. We didn't discuss the weekend other than him apologising for falling sleep again. I think I'm emotional today for a few reasons today.. but by the time he called i'd cried it all out . He said he will call later but i think I'm over the initial hurt .. why do we do this to ourselves???

Thanks @Shayelle2009 and @VanGoghsDog I think I need to just stop being such an over communicative eejit and leave the messages hanging

@Dropdeadfred2

So... he called after i sent a message about sonething else he had asked about. We didn't discuss the weekend other than him apologising for falling sleep again. I think I'm emotional today for a few reasons today.. but by the time he called i'd cried it all out . He said he will call later but i think I'm over the initial hurt .. why do we do this to ourselves???

Is it just him that makes you feel like that? Or have you had this feeling with most of your irons? It can be hard to distinguish between our own self esteem issues or how a particular guy makes you feel. Although when you feel confused that's usually an amber flag whether it's general 'I need to work on my self esteem' or particular 'this guy makes me feel bad'

@BelladiMamma do you see ‘friendship’ potential there with MsGinger? Do you want her as a friend if you do be clear what you see the two of you doing and that there isn’t a romantic interest from your side at all. If you don’t really need/want another friend just let the texts fizzle out and she’ll u ‘get the message’ 😄 I would have liked to have had a friendship with the neighbour i tried to date as we were really really good before we tried getting romantic. He didn’t want to though and i can understand him. When feelings are involved then perhaps the friendship gives the other person hope even when you think you have been crystal clear.

MrE is on his way over! Its dawned on me now that sounds like ‘mystery’ and it really is at the
moment all to too-ing and fro-ing i’m doing.

So I just joined a new gym 🙈🤣, it was nice, light and clean. There were some nice looking men there too.🙈 I'm going to put some of the money I'm getting back from my insurance claim win towards some personal training sessions too.

@BelladiMamma, I’m not sure exactly how you left things with Miss Ginger. Do you think she is trying to continue the conversation because there’s some ambiguity in how things were left ? I understand the sentiment that some are suggesting that you owe her nothing but I am mindful of the many posts I’ve read on here where some have been on the receiving end of the perceived slow fade and usually we offer our sympathy to the poster and say ‘ oh I hate it when that happens’. So maybe you could find a kind way to clarify that things are not going to develop romantically on your part. You may have already done this ?

@Dropdeadfred2, are you anywhere close to the menopause? My emotions have become terribly erratic and unpredictable since I hit the menopause. I have had to explain to Mr V that it’s not my usual style to be so tearful at times. I got choked up the other day on a call because he made fun of something I said. It was totally a joke on his part and he’s genuinely a lovely guy but he has a bit of a blokey jokey way about him at times. I’m also far, far more prone to tears than I ever used to be.

@FireandBrimstone

Hello *@HairyArsedMan* you've come to mind this morning and I hope you've found ways of talking about the difficulties earlier this week, or at least I hope it all feels a lot less upsetting than it did. I wanted to ask you about something you commented only a couple of days ago but many, many posts ago! It was re men and the concept of 'date zero'. It's a fair point that the concept isn't widespread. I hadn't known the term myself until this thread (and I still find it a hugely helpful and grounding positioning, personally). But if I understand you correctly then you think men (/or, the majority of people?) see that first meeting as more of a 'date-date'? See, that would explain to me why some are happy to drag out chats for weeks before even a meeting is suggested - that the meeting is more of a big deal 'commitment'.

Hi @FireandBrimstone - for sure for some people that first meet is a really big deal, especially those that don't match or date often, and more so if they have something they feel self conscious or vulnerable about and haven't addressed that yet. Not only that - if you take a step back it's does feel really kind of weird meeting someone outside of your social circle so there's that trepidation to cope with too.

A lot of people have had very crappy online dating experiences and want to try to figure out compatibility beforehand on the 'give 'em enough rope to hang themselves' premise.

Since I'm parenting a great deal and chatting with other parents mostly, the earliest that dates tend to happen is a week or so out from asking anyway, so that leaves room for chat. I figure caution isn't so bad with respect to chatting for a short while, as even if you do aim for a low key coffee date, it's still something and you will expend some thought and energy on it. Also it's just not good for the soul getting it wrong time after time, whether it's you disappointing them or vice versa. Taking a bit of time to get to know through messaging doesn't seem like such a bad thing to me. Serves both people well ... if they're both fairly grounded in the awareness that it's about 10% of who a person is.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@BelladiMamma, I’m not sure exactly how you left things with Miss Ginger. Do you think she is trying to continue the conversation because there’s some ambiguity in how things were left ? I understand the sentiment that some are suggesting that you owe her nothing but I am mindful of the many posts I’ve read on here where some have been on the receiving end of the perceived slow fade and usually we offer our sympathy to the poster and say ‘ oh I hate it when that happens’. So maybe you could find a kind way to clarify that things are not going to develop romantically on your part. You may have already done this ?[/quote]
I did it before we met but it might be worth reinforcing if the messages keep coming at the same pace. And yes I hear you. I always aim for closure, even with the dickheads

@HairyArsedMan thank you, your insights are very generous like so many on this thread.

@bopbopbopbop out of interest do you frame it in those kind of terms to your Iron, as @VanGoghsDog referred to having the adult conversation.

@Naimee87 hope it goes well with Mr E, whose name I am now singing in a Toyah Wilcox styleeee.

And anyone else dating tonight - please remember we are expecting loo updates now!

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Dropdeadfred2, are you anywhere close to the menopause? My emotions have become terribly erratic and unpredictable since I hit the menopause. I have had to explain to Mr V that it’s not my usual style to be so tearful at times. I got choked up the other day on a call because he made fun of something I said. It was totally a joke on his part and he’s genuinely a lovely guy but he has a bit of a blokey jokey way about him at times. I’m also far, far more prone to tears than I ever used to be.[/quote]
Yes i think i am. I'm due to start HRT .. in fact it's waiting at the pharmacy to collect... but i think today was just a tsunami of emotional stuff. Its my birthday next week and it will be the first one living on my own. .I still have a divorce to negotiate and i defintely think I've over invested in this guy too soon ...i just like him alot but I'm almost sabotaging it with my insecurities

@Dropdeadfred2 @Onesmallstep67
not to completely hijack the topic but HRT has revolutionised my life the last 6 months. Wish I'd been more alert to the indicators and also not faffed about with vitamins and supplements as long as I did.

And to get completely back on topic - it's also rekindled my libido 😀

[quote FireandBrimstone]**@Dropdeadfred2* @Onesmallstep67*
not to completely hijack the topic but HRT has revolutionised my life the last 6 months. Wish I'd been more alert to the indicators and also not faffed about with vitamins and supplements as long as I did.

And to get completely back on topic - it's also rekindled my libido 😀[/quote]
Yes to this! I've been on the patches for 6 months and I feel less anxious, my sleep has improved and I no longer feel hot all the time. I'm 49 btw.

@Dropdeadfred2 x

@EchoElephant

So the conseus seems to be to give Mr Bad Kisser a chance but "persuade" him to change his technique. I was hoping for a slow sensual kiss but that wasn't what I got. I think he may be out of practice. But in my mind bad kissing technique = bad bedroom technique. My last relationship ended because sex was very poor. There were other issues & we did try & improve things. But couldn't in the end.

@EchoElephant I'm going to go against the consensus and admit this would be an amber flag for me.

I agree that unsatisfactory kissers quite often also have issues in bed. Sorry.

If he has a lot of other redeeming features then I would be patient and see if he improves with practice. It could be nerves. Maybe he just needs to relax and feel more confident? Only time (and more kissing 😁) will tell.

@BelladiMamma I also can't remember how you left it with Miss Ginger, but I am not a fan of the slow fade.

I think you should tell her you you're not feeling it romantically but would like to stay in touch as friends. That seems firm but fair.

Thanks everyone for your kindness. I feel like a real sap. . But ive cracked open a bottle and i think ì will feel better x

@Dropdeadfred2 I don't know much about menopause (yet!) but sending you

And I have date 1 with MrTattoo. The only niggle is I had to suggest it, but I saw a gig I wanted to go to and thought it would be right up his street. Which it is - so hopefully we are going to see each other again in 10 days' time. He knows I'm not feeling 100% so we will get seats and early doors if I'm not feeling it.

[quote Languidleopard]@BelladiMamma I also can't remember how you left it with Miss Ginger, but I am not a fan of the slow fade.

I think you should tell her you you're not feeling it romantically but would like to stay in touch as friends. That seems firm but fair.[/quote]
Yes. I'll wait until she texts again though I case she lets it fizzle out. She may well be meeting / dating others and someone might grab her more than me.

[quote BelladiMamma]@Dropdeadfred2 I don't know much about menopause (yet!) but sending you

And I have date 1 with MrTattoo. The only niggle is I had to suggest it, but I saw a gig I wanted to go to and thought it would be right up his street. Which it is - so hopefully we are going to see each other again in 10 days' time. He knows I'm not feeling 100% so we will get seats and early doors if I'm not feeling it. [/quote]
Thank you! God luck with your date.. at least you know you will enjoy the show regardless

@Dropdeadfred2 you are NOT a sap. What are you going to do for your birthday next week.. anything nice? I think you should spoil yourself rotten 🙂

@BelladiMamma my Dad, who is a wise old owl and my ultimate hero, says it’s best to
‘let things drift’ if they're not feeling too good or working out, and he is generally right.. hopefully that’s what will happen, no bad feelings needed 💗

[quote Shayelle2009]@Dropdeadfred2 you are NOT a sap. What are you going to do for your birthday next week.. anything nice? I think you should spoil yourself rotten 🙂[/quote]
Thanks...i will be going out with my daughters on the day. I'll see a friend to go to a comedy club the same week . ... I think I'm going to get myself gym membership .. I've lost 2 and a half stone recently and im looking slim but saggy. Perhaps obsessing on exercise could help keep my mind off everything else. You are all so lovely. I love this thread

@Dropdeadfred2

gym is NEVER a bad idea, the great thing about sports./gym when you're older is you can "make your own schedule" and enjoy it rather than be told what to do! don't need to obsess, just go, wiggle about for a bit and then feel great about it.

I think all of us (me included) sometimes have those moments/irons who "push all our buttons" so we feel insecure?

It's just a combination of things setting emotional triggers off - it's not your set personality!

I've had moments over the last dating year where I've been all "chilled being alone" and also moments where I feel really needy and lonely! It's fine, it's being human.

@BelladiMamma

I agree, just communicate with MissGinger - maybe a phone call and don't respond to her messages or social media likes? I'd feel very claustrophobic with several messages a day

It sounds like you'd like to stay in touch but aren't interested in "getting close" so just let her know, then do what you want to do?

If there was good conversation at the meet maybe she thought you were more into her than you were and she's just "following up on a mutual attraction".