Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Walkingalot

Oh FFS, MrNoKids has asked again to meet for coffee, this w/e. I specifically said I wanted to wait a week or so.

@Walkingalot are you holding off on meeting because you’re not ready (which is fine!) or because you’re not free this weekend? A quick coffee might settle the nerves about him and let you know if a proper first date is on the cards- and he seems keen to meet you! But if you’ve been clear that you want to wait and he is pushing for a meeting despite that, then he’s not respecting your boundaries.

@Naimee87 so have you responded to magnet yet?? Mr TG was living with his parents ‘temporarily’ but he never moved out while we were together and it was annoying always being the one to host and never being able to meet otherwise! I am strangely invested in your journey with him though 😂😂

Help...i need your corrective wisdom and strength. I'm having a real wobble today.. must be hormones.

My guy told me he wouldn't be available this weekend ( and he spent all of BH weekend here so wasn't planned to see him) but now he says he might actually be around (where he works half an hour away. Instead of where he lives 3 hours away) . and i sent him a message saying oh maybe i could see you then... and he just didn't answer.

He has form for falling asleep on whatsapp but he could have replied this morning.

I all of a sudden have lost all the happiness i had and feel like sending a stupid message telling him to forget it. I assume part off this is my hormones but i just feel really tearful.

@MayEye i have responded yep! He sent me his new number ‘so i have both’ whatever that means! It’s just a matter of time, if i hear from him i’ll be screwed (but in a goood way!) haha! I am finding it much easier though to resist texting him so seems i’ve grown a teeencyweeency bit where he is concerned. Doesn’t help that his profile photo is his truck (ahh fun times)!! I’m not playing any games archiving/muting (other than code-named him under ‘truck-school to avoid any questions from beady eyes when whatsapps pop up) I’ll just see what the road-ahead has in store for me! I do like bumpy-rides though! 🙈😍

@Dropdeadfred2 easier said than done but you have to step away from your phone. Checking all the time won’t make him answer any faster. The falling asleep could be genuine but a text takes just a few seconds to send. No amount of wondering/making up stories will change how things play out either. Sounds harsh, i definitely don’t mean it to be. But i think (and i think i am guilty of this too) when we make ourselves too available it can be a massive turn off. Much better to occupy yourself with something else entirely. But i feel for you and can really relate too!

Thanks that means alot. It's not harsh it's what I'd tell anyone else....i saw him on Monday night and we had arranged to see each other again on 13th... maybe I'm just being pushy

@Dropdeadfred2

Thanks that means alot. It's not harsh it's what I'd tell anyone else....i saw him on Monday night and we had arranged to see each other again on 13th... maybe I'm just being pushy

I meant Wednesday night

I'm good thanks eesha not had a chance to catch up on the thread properly.

Mr Ears seems a little too keen so I'm worrying it will be awkward if I'm not...I will ensure to do another loo update later 😅

The whole over available thing is such a minefield. Early on it can be fun staying up til the early hours chatting and flirting. But if they're available and pinging you and you've got a busy work or family day then it's a nightmare. I just end up feeling under pressure

@Dropdeadfred2, I sympathise because up until the point where he had text you you were focusing on the 13th. Now you feel like you are being ignored which is a horrible feeling and one I really struggle with. He must have been in touch to tell you he was going to be closer for a reason. Hopefully soon he'll text or call with a response to your message. Maybe he's working out the practicalities of whether he can get to see you or even if it's been confirmed before he replies ?

So the conseus seems to be to give Mr Bad Kisser a chance but "persuade" him to change his technique.
I was hoping for a slow sensual kiss but that wasn't what I got. I think he may be out of practice.
But in my mind bad kissing technique = bad bedroom technique. My last relationship ended because sex was very poor. There were other issues & we did try & improve things. But couldn't in the end.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Dropdeadfred2, I sympathise because up until the point where he had text you you were focusing on the 13th. Now you feel like you are being ignored which is a horrible feeling and one I really struggle with. He must have been in touch to tell you he was going to be closer for a reason. Hopefully soon he'll text or call with a response to your message. Maybe he's working out the practicalities of whether he can get to see you or even if it's been confirmed before he replies ?[/quote]
Also guys are cut and dried 'I'm working so won't text till 5' type approach.

Wish I had that approach 😂 I'm such an over communicator

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Dropdeadfred2, I sympathise because up until the point where he had text you you were focusing on the 13th. Now you feel like you are being ignored which is a horrible feeling and one I really struggle with. He must have been in touch to tell you he was going to be closer for a reason. Hopefully soon he'll text or call with a response to your message. Maybe he's working out the practicalities of whether he can get to see you or even if it's been confirmed before he replies ?[/quote]
Exactly that.. he told me on Wednesday he was going home for the weekend... then last night said he didn't think he would now. So i just suggested a night out to a place we had discussed going to ... and now .. nothing. Silence. I hate it.

This 👇🏿

@MayEye - My DS doesn't go back to school until 7/9 so I just wanted to concentrate on him, which is what I told him. Also, I want a few days to myself, get my roots done and get the lunch with ex-in-laws out the way. Then I can concentrate on me! I know it's only an hour for coffee but I don't want to be forced to fit it in to please him.

A bit of an odd question, but did your MrTG have a tattoo with those initials?

Hello @HairyArsedMan you've come to mind this morning and I hope you've found ways of talking about the difficulties earlier this week, or at least I hope it all feels a lot less upsetting than it did.
I wanted to ask you about something you commented only a couple of days ago but many, many posts ago! It was re men and the concept of 'date zero'. It's a fair point that the concept isn't widespread. I hadn't known the term myself until this thread (and I still find it a hugely helpful and grounding positioning, personally). But if I understand you correctly then you think men (/or, the majority of people?) see that first meeting as more of a 'date-date'? See, that would explain to me why some are happy to drag out chats for weeks before even a meeting is suggested - that the meeting is more of a big deal 'commitment'.

He replied with 'Oh sorry, definitely spend time with your son and maybe meet up at a later date x'. Am fighting the urge to reply 'yeah, like what I originally said' but I wont. . We only started messaging on 28/8 - hardly keeping him hanging.
I do tend to compartmentalise things a bit and tend not to 'pick up and run with it'.

@Walkingalot

He replied with 'Oh sorry, definitely spend time with your son and maybe meet up at a later date x'. Am fighting the urge to reply 'yeah, like what I originally said' but I wont. . We only started messaging on 28/8 - hardly keeping him hanging. I do tend to compartmentalise things a bit and tend not to 'pick up and run with it'.

That's good that he has listened to you (this time!).

I envy your ability to compartmentalise... it's so easy to obsess (🙋‍♀️)

@FireandBrimstone

Hello *@HairyArsedMan* you've come to mind this morning and I hope you've found ways of talking about the difficulties earlier this week, or at least I hope it all feels a lot less upsetting than it did. I wanted to ask you about something you commented only a couple of days ago but many, many posts ago! It was re men and the concept of 'date zero'. It's a fair point that the concept isn't widespread. I hadn't known the term myself until this thread (and I still find it a hugely helpful and grounding positioning, personally). But if I understand you correctly then you think men (/or, the majority of people?) see that first meeting as more of a 'date-date'? See, that would explain to me why some are happy to drag out chats for weeks before even a meeting is suggested - that the meeting is more of a big deal 'commitment'.

The concept of "date zero" pretty much only exists here. So I'd say outside this very small corner on the Internet everyone else thinks a date is a date.

However, even within that there are myriad views on what that really means I expect. Some of those views will be based on experience, life style, location, preference, cost, age, many things.

My personal preference is to meet fairly early for something quite relaxed, like coffee or a walk at a park. I like an option to extend but no compulsion for the experience to continue if I'm not enjoying it. I don't want to spend two hours in a staring contest over a plate of spaghetti with the added bonus of a £20 bill with someone who smells funny, starts ranting about benefit claimants, has a mono conversation about their latest hobby, whines about their ex, etc etc.

But as an adult you can just explain to someone you chat to that you've found this to be a good way to kick things off.

@VanGoghsDog thank you for taking the time on that answer. And yes absolutely I hear you on it being a good way to avoid the unwanted spaghetti-monologues!
In fact it's just such a sensible approach that yes, we need to all do our bit to have those adult conversations and promote the concept of Date Zero!

@FireandBrimstone

Hello *@HairyArsedMan* you've come to mind this morning and I hope you've found ways of talking about the difficulties earlier this week, or at least I hope it all feels a lot less upsetting than it did. I wanted to ask you about something you commented only a couple of days ago but many, many posts ago! It was re men and the concept of 'date zero'. It's a fair point that the concept isn't widespread. I hadn't known the term myself until this thread (and I still find it a hugely helpful and grounding positioning, personally). But if I understand you correctly then you think men (/or, the majority of people?) see that first meeting as more of a 'date-date'? See, that would explain to me why some are happy to drag out chats for weeks before even a meeting is suggested - that the meeting is more of a big deal 'commitment'.

I hadn't heard of it before here either, but fell into it naturally. It's much preferable to me and much more relaxed with less pressure. I do see quite a few putting "ideal first date" profile answers as coffee / coffee and walk / coffee & cake etc.

On that note, any advice on the etiquette of how long into a chat a date zero should be suggested and by what side. Don't want to end up in penpal territory but at the same time asking too soon seems pushy.

I think Covid heralded the introduction of the mini date - walk and coffee to just see how you get on.

I don't think there is a specific etiquette around when to suggest meeting up. When you're free? If you're getting on well?

If suggesting a meet up has the potential to seem pushy then I'm not sure the other person is right for you......

@bopbopbopbop whenever it feels right. I've established quick connections sometimes and it hasn't felt strange for it to be within a week.

I'm struggling a little with MissGinger. She's sending me lots of messages - well about 6 a day - and commenting on my profile pic etc

I'd friend zoned her and felt no spark on meeting and haven't suggested another meet up.

Trying to slow fade - I think she's ok just / funny but not girlfriend material. I feel hassled but her even though she hasn't done a lot wrong.

Any tips?

[quote BelladiMamma]@bopbopbopbop whenever it feels right. I've established quick connections sometimes and it hasn't felt strange for it to be within a week.

I'm struggling a little with MissGinger. She's sending me lots of messages - well about 6 a day - and commenting on my profile pic etc

I'd friend zoned her and felt no spark on meeting and haven't suggested another meet up.

Trying to slow fade - I think she's ok just / funny but not girlfriend material. I feel hassled but her even though she hasn't done a lot wrong.

Any tips? [/quote]
If you don't want to be friends with someone just stop responding to their messages. They soon tail off.

If they don't, then you need to tell them that you made a mistake and being friends isn't going to work and send them good wishes.

You do not owe her anything.

A bit of an odd question, but did your MrTG have a tattoo with those initials?

@Walkingalot not that I noticed 😁 I’m in Ireland anyway so unlikely to be someone you know unless you live there too

Glad your keen iron has relaxed a bit.

@Dropdeadfred2 if you like him and you’ve not sensed any red flags til now I’d say just try and chill, why would he have said ge might be in the area unless he had in mind ypu could maybe meet up.. is he flat out at work? Maybe he's seeing how the day goes, I hardly look at my phone in day times as my jobs demanding, hopefully he’ll pop up later and you’ll be all fine ☺️

Agree with @Naimee87 being too available and keen is usually a turn off.

@BelladiMamma MissGinger sounds quite pushy and you said the other day how she strode on ahead of you when you first met up… what is that about?? Rude. Agree with @VanGoghsDog you owe her nothing and she sounds kinda creepy. 😣