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Original poster

Guy I met at a meetup group will not stop texting

197 replies

Crumpets123 · 23/08/2021 16:05

I'm feeling very weirded out and don't know how to handle this without making things awkward.

Recently gone through a breakup just a few weeks ago. Joined my local meetup group to get me out the house and make new friends.

Had a great time at the first event I went to last week. Had some lovely conversations and was a good night despite my initial nerves and reservations!

Was chatting to a group of people including this guy, the others kind of separated off and we continued talking. Wasn't flirty at all from either side (not that I picked up on anyway). He asked me why I joined the group and I talked about my break up etc

There is a group WhatsApp for the group and since I joined that, the guy has been messaging me EVERY day. Lots of wink faces and tongue faces and being very flirtatious. Last night he asked me out for a coffee. I said no and explained that I'm going through a break up, I still love my ex, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, i am only looking for friends, and I don't feel comfortable meeting him 1:1.

He said he completely understood. Today he has messaged me several times asking how I am, sending a photo of his dog etc. I haven't replied.

What do i do? I just want him to stop messaging me!! I feel like it is weird how much he is messaging me when i have met him once and had one conversation and I've told him I'm not interested!!

I really enjoyed the meetup group and i want to continue to go to it, but i feel so awkward now and feel like this guy pestering me has ruined it. I don't want him to be stuck to me at every event and me not be able to get away? I dont know what to say without just being a bitch and making things awkward. But i want him to leave me alone

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 25/08/2021 09:03

He’s obviously desperate to fit in and make friends but failing miserable. Shame really because it means he’s never been shown how to communicate and socialize properly.

But that’s isn’t your problem. He makes you uncomfortable and you don’t have to accept his friendship or attempts at friendship.

Byheckythump · 25/08/2021 09:30

I think you have handled this really well. Hopefully you can enjoy your meetups now knowing you have got support if you need it.

Enough4me · 25/08/2021 10:12

One person's desire for friendship or a relationship never trumps others need for choice and space.

As this is now his second time, I'm surprised he hasn't been asked to leave.

Comedycook · 25/08/2021 10:17

@BluebellsGreenbells

He’s obviously desperate to fit in and make friends but failing miserable. Shame really because it means he’s never been shown how to communicate and socialize properly.

But that’s isn’t your problem. He makes you uncomfortable and you don’t have to accept his friendship or attempts at friendship.

Isn't it funny that these men who are desperate for friendship only seem to be desparate for female friendship. They don't latch onto another man like this do they?
crumpet · 25/08/2021 10:35

I liked the comment that you joined meet up rather than Tinder for a reason. Ie group engagement only rather than 121.

DuchessOfDisaster · 25/08/2021 10:49

@ivykaty44

oh and. being kind means he thinks he's in with a chance
Oh is this the Nice Guy Phenomenon at work?
AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2021 12:47

@Crumpets123

So I went to a Meetup event last night, weird guy wasn't there. Was talking to the group leader who wanted to check I was okay.

He told me that weird guy had done this kind of thing before - not with a woman (that he knows of) but with the guys of the group. Apparently he was trying to set up some kind of boot camp class and was relentless in his pursuit to get the guys in the Meetup group to sign up to it. Apparently he was sending multiple messages about it and being very persistent, but eventually stopped when people just stopped replying to him.

I don't know whether this makes me feel better? Is he just totally socially unaware/clueless? Or just someone who likes to get their own way and hounds people! Either way, the leader said that he is going to keep a close eye on his behaviour, and I said I didn't want him to get a warning right now as he will know it was me, but possibly in a few weeks time depending on if anything happens.

But I haven't heard anything since my final message to him so hopefully a line is drawn under it now!

I think that's a bit more reassuring that he does it with people in general not just women. It does sound like he's just social awkward rather than crazy stalker
AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2021 12:48

Isn't it funny that these men who are desperate for friendship only seem to be desparate for female friendship. They don't latch onto another man like this do they?

tbf the OP has said that the Organiser told her he has done it with men too

Peach01 · 25/08/2021 13:54

I don't know whether this makes me feel better?
I'd be less creeped out knowing he's done it with men too. It's not just you and its probably not anything that should worry you. Also, if his history is anything to go by he backs off when he doesn't get a response. Whatever his reasoning is for being this way I'd be less worried. It's good you haven't heard from him.

Comedycook · 25/08/2021 13:55

@AryaStarkWolf

Isn't it funny that these men who are desperate for friendship only seem to be desparate for female friendship. They don't latch onto another man like this do they?

tbf the OP has said that the Organiser told her he has done it with men too

Sorry hadn't read that! In general it's true though from my own experience
AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2021 14:30

@Comedycook Oh yeah no doubt about that but I think in this case the guy probably is just not very good with socialising and interacting with people which is a good thing for OP, not so much of a worry that he's some stalker

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 25/08/2021 14:47

@Peach01

I don't know whether this makes me feel better? I'd be less creeped out knowing he's done it with men too. It's not just you and its probably not anything that should worry you. Also, if his history is anything to go by he backs off when he doesn't get a response. Whatever his reasoning is for being this way I'd be less worried. It's good you haven't heard from him.
Yeah @peach01 I do feel less creeped out knowing that it wasn't just targeted at me being a single woman. I do feel sorry for him in a way that he just seems so unaware! God, imagine what he would be like with someone he is actually dating?! Surely somebody must have told him before he is being too much?!
OP posts:
Enough4me · 25/08/2021 21:16

OP, I suspect they've told him, but it's one thing saying it and another hearing it. Remember, when he pestered you, he said he was being 'kind' sigh.

Have you heard of the 'grey rock' technique?
You basically bore the person off being interested in you to quietly drop them. If he talks to you again, to apologise say hi or anything just nod, say OK, I see, no chat, be busy looking at others, wonder away, block on your phone. I know being direct is the honest approach, but some people 'feed' off any communication and being a grey rock stops them in their tracks. Plus the organisers can step in and should sort this if they see him pester people again.

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 28/08/2021 14:09

So as it had been a few days I thought it was over with. He has just messaged me today asking how am I, and how is my running going... as if nothing has happened!!! Should I just be blunt and say why are you continuing to message me when I told you to stop?

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 28/08/2021 14:16

I would just delete his message and give it no further thought.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/08/2021 14:18

Respond saying do not message me again then block him

Byheckythump · 28/08/2021 14:18

Can't you block him, op? Definitely do not reply.

Paq · 28/08/2021 14:22

Just block!

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 28/08/2021 14:24

The police advised me not to block him which was why I didn't

OP posts:
Paq · 28/08/2021 14:27

@Crumpets123

The police advised me not to block him which was why I didn't
For what reason?
titchy · 28/08/2021 14:31

Don't respond. If you had blocked him you wouldn't respond. Let him be treated as if he was blocked. He'll keep texting then eventually work it out. But warn the meet up arranger because he will almost certainly make a beeline for you.

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 28/08/2021 14:34

@paq they said in their experience blocking is like waving a red flag to a bull and can make them seek out other ways to contact you and make them angrier

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 28/08/2021 14:37

That’s terrible advice from the police! They should be laying him a warning visit at the very least!

dancemom · 28/08/2021 14:41

Absolute victim blaming from the police there. Don't protect yourself in case you upset him 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'd be furious about that advice

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/08/2021 14:48

They tell you not to block so you will know if he has stopped or you need to take more action.

Forewarned etc.