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Original poster

Guy I met at a meetup group will not stop texting

197 replies

Crumpets123 · 23/08/2021 16:05

I'm feeling very weirded out and don't know how to handle this without making things awkward.

Recently gone through a breakup just a few weeks ago. Joined my local meetup group to get me out the house and make new friends.

Had a great time at the first event I went to last week. Had some lovely conversations and was a good night despite my initial nerves and reservations!

Was chatting to a group of people including this guy, the others kind of separated off and we continued talking. Wasn't flirty at all from either side (not that I picked up on anyway). He asked me why I joined the group and I talked about my break up etc

There is a group WhatsApp for the group and since I joined that, the guy has been messaging me EVERY day. Lots of wink faces and tongue faces and being very flirtatious. Last night he asked me out for a coffee. I said no and explained that I'm going through a break up, I still love my ex, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, i am only looking for friends, and I don't feel comfortable meeting him 1:1.

He said he completely understood. Today he has messaged me several times asking how I am, sending a photo of his dog etc. I haven't replied.

What do i do? I just want him to stop messaging me!! I feel like it is weird how much he is messaging me when i have met him once and had one conversation and I've told him I'm not interested!!

I really enjoyed the meetup group and i want to continue to go to it, but i feel so awkward now and feel like this guy pestering me has ruined it. I don't want him to be stuck to me at every event and me not be able to get away? I dont know what to say without just being a bitch and making things awkward. But i want him to leave me alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Crumpets123 · 24/08/2021 09:27

The organiser is going to speak to me in person today (there is an event that fortunately this guy isn't going to). I said that I didn't want the guy to get a warning or be kicked out as he will know it came from me, and I just want him to stop and get the message. I just wanted the organiser to be aware in case anyone else raises this in future, and also so if the guy tries to talk to me at an event the organiser can step in if needed. I guess I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and just ignore him and hope that he will be too embarrassed to come, or has learnt his lesson

OP posts:
Enough4me · 24/08/2021 09:55

You have done nothing to create this situation and did the right thing telling the organisers about his inappropriate behaviour.

He may have done this before and could even be doing this right now to multiple women. He should be called out on his behaviour. If I was organising the group I would ask him to leave it.

DarkDarkNight · 24/08/2021 10:32

Have read the whole thread up to the half way point of and him sending a message asking if you’re ok messaging as friends and there’s some great advice.

Will go back and read the rest but just wanted to I mention the book The Gift Of Fear (apologies if anyone has already mentioned) but there is some interesting tie-ins with men who push boundaries. You’ve said no, now he’s asking in a different way. It seems like you know but for anyone else’s. A similar situation stay strong and don’t allow him to keep pressuring you, block or ignore. If you back down in his head he has won.

GammyLeg · 24/08/2021 11:12

Sorry this happened to you OP - given your past experience I can imagine how intimidating this was. Glad the organiser has taken it seriously.

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 24/08/2021 14:24

@GammyLeg

Sorry this happened to you OP - given your past experience I can imagine how intimidating this was. Glad the organiser has taken it seriously.
Thank you @GammyLeg I haven't heard from the guy so i think he has got the message now which is a relief
OP posts:
Hummingbird1950 · 24/08/2021 16:44

@RevolvingPivot

off-chance that there's something wrong with them.

Nice!!!! Fellow autistic here too.

Not meant as a slur, just a statement of fact. If you don't consider having a medical condition to be having something wrong with you then we'll have to agree to disagree. Doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you as a person and you're somehow "bad". Could be a head cold, or cancer, or mental illness, or Parkinson's, or anything. My point was, if there's something wrong and people want allowances made, they need to make it clear because others aren't psychic and don't have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Treezan82 · 24/08/2021 17:06

@Crumpets123

Thanks everyone I had such a bad night's sleep worrying about it all. It's such a shame to hear others have had similar experiences with Meetup. It does make me wary to go back, but I do feel reassured that the organiser I told was extremely supportive and couldn't have responded better, so at least I know there is a zero tolerance for this kind of stuff. It just brought back that awful feeling of not being believed, or being questioned as to what did I do to encourage it....
I am so sorry this happened to you in the past OP, that is terrible. I am furious on your behalf at his man - so sick of men 's sense of entitlement over women's attention. You have dealt with it all perfectly and should be proud of yourself. I hope you enjoy your time at the group and never see this prick again.
Scautish · 24/08/2021 18:20

Not meant as a slur, just a statement of fact. If you don't consider having a medical condition to be having something wrong with you then we'll have to agree to disagree

Your original disgusting comment was made regarding autism. So you have just confirmed that in your eyes autistic people have something wrong with them? You and your attitude is exactly what makes life worse for us. Autism does not make you “wrong”, is not a “medical condition” it is a different way of thinking (amongst other things). The only thing that is “wrong” is your thinking.

And this is not me saying neurodiversity excuses bad behaviour - it 100% does not - but to describe us as having something wrong with us is extremely problematic. The sad thing is it’s very clear lots of people think like you.

Comedycook · 24/08/2021 18:25

There's a certain type of man who is so emotionally unintelligent that they do not recognize when a woman is trying to be polite whilst giving him the brush off. They assume all contact mean they're in with a chance. You literally need to spell it out to them. They do understand subtleties

Byheckythump · 24/08/2021 19:21

Perhaps people that wish to discuss autism could do that on a separate thread. It's not fair to use the op's thread where it's important she can see some of the support and information she needs.

Scautish · 24/08/2021 19:33

@Byheckythump

Perhaps people that wish to discuss autism could do that on a separate thread. It's not fair to use the op's thread where it's important she can see some of the support and information she needs.
For as long as people keep suggesting autism as a reason for abusive behaviour on threads such as this, then there are going to be autistic people like me responding. Would you tell off people challenging a racist or would you to tell them to post their issues on another thread and leave the racist be?

As soon as the ableist behaviour stops, we will too.

It’s the ableist bigots you should be addressing, not us.

Comedycook · 24/08/2021 19:57

I've met loads of men in my life who assume that a woman who is polite and doesn't tell them to fuck off must be up for it. I know no women who behave in this way...it's about male entitlement, not special needs.

Clymene · 24/08/2021 20:23

@Comedycook

I've met loads of men in my life who assume that a woman who is polite and doesn't tell them to fuck off must be up for it. I know no women who behave in this way...it's about male entitlement, not special needs.
Yes absolutely. I've met a lot of men who wouldn't take a polite no for an answer. They were just misogynist men preying on women's socialisation to 'be kind'.

Glad he's backed off OP. Hopefully he'll be too ashamed to come back to the group now

RevolvingPivot · 24/08/2021 22:10

@Byheckythump

Perhaps people that wish to discuss autism could do that on a separate thread. It's not fair to use the op's thread where it's important she can see some of the support and information she needs.
How could I reply to a post on here by starting another thread?
Hawkins001 · 24/08/2021 22:40

All the best op

Zeev · 24/08/2021 22:45

@Byheckythump

Perhaps people that wish to discuss autism could do that on a separate thread. It's not fair to use the op's thread where it's important she can see some of the support and information she needs.
Seconded. It is off topic and does not help the OP.

OP, I would keep some screenshots of his messages (and yours telling him not to contact you) in case he escalates.

minniemouseshouses · 24/08/2021 22:52

I haven’t read the whole thread so I’m sorry if I’m repeating someone: but this hugely reminds me of the film Unsane with Clare Foy. Eek. Otherwise agree with PP- clear boundaries and don’t be scared to be a “bitch”.

RevolvingPivot · 24/08/2021 23:15

It's only you continuing the autism chat if you haven't noticed?

Enough4me · 24/08/2021 23:17

I think the idea is supportive, but being assertive is being assertive and is not automatically being a bitch. For example, saying no is fine.

OP, hope you are OK.

RantyAunty · 25/08/2021 01:53

I'm glad that the organiser is being helpful.

Such a shame this creep had to ruin your attempt to socialise.

Far too many of these creeps with the social skills and self awareness of a snail. Usually quite unattractive, bad dresser, haircut etc. They're easy to spot after seeing enough of them.

NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 03:44

Not meant as a slur, just a statement of fact. If you don't consider having a medical condition to be having something wrong with you then we'll have to agree to disagree. Doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you as a person and you're somehow "bad". Could be a head cold, or cancer, or mental illness, or Parkinson's, or anything.

Autism is a neurological difference, not an illness. Comparing it to degenerative illnesses or viruses or mental illness or cancer is absurd, ignorant and utterly stupid. So yes, of course that is a slur.

NotTheGreatGatsy · 25/08/2021 03:47

Perhaps people that wish to discuss autism could do that on a separate thread. It's not fair to use the op's thread where it's important she can see some of the support and information she needs.

Perhaps they would not need to if it wasn't the case that idiots who clearly know nothing about autism suggest that the person discussed in a thread might be autistic because that person is being a dickhead. Newsflash: autism doesn't make you a dickhead.

These comments are disgusting. @MNHQ??

Cascascascas · 25/08/2021 04:06

@Crumpets123

Op.

That last message you posted on here that he sent you is already controlling.

I think you ask him to stop messaging you. If he does again report him in the meet up group. He probably has done this to other women.

Sorry this has happened to you.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 25/08/2021 06:59

[quote Cascascascas]@Crumpets123

Op.

That last message you posted on here that he sent you is already controlling.

I think you ask him to stop messaging you. If he does again report him in the meet up group. He probably has done this to other women.

Sorry this has happened to you.[/quote]
She has done this

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 25/08/2021 08:44

So I went to a Meetup event last night, weird guy wasn't there. Was talking to the group leader who wanted to check I was okay.

He told me that weird guy had done this kind of thing before - not with a woman (that he knows of) but with the guys of the group. Apparently he was trying to set up some kind of boot camp class and was relentless in his pursuit to get the guys in the Meetup group to sign up to it. Apparently he was sending multiple messages about it and being very persistent, but eventually stopped when people just stopped replying to him.

I don't know whether this makes me feel better? Is he just totally socially unaware/clueless? Or just someone who likes to get their own way and hounds people! Either way, the leader said that he is going to keep a close eye on his behaviour, and I said I didn't want him to get a warning right now as he will know it was me, but possibly in a few weeks time depending on if anything happens.

But I haven't heard anything since my final message to him so hopefully a line is drawn under it now!

OP posts: