Guy I met at a meetup group will not stop texting

[Crumpets123]

I'm feeling very weirded out and don't know how to handle this without making things awkward.

Recently gone through a breakup just a few weeks ago. Joined my local meetup group to get me out the house and make new friends.

Had a great time at the first event I went to last week. Had some lovely conversations and was a good night despite my initial nerves and reservations!

Was chatting to a group of people including this guy, the others kind of separated off and we continued talking. Wasn't flirty at all from either side (not that I picked up on anyway). He asked me why I joined the group and I talked about my break up etc

There is a group WhatsApp for the group and since I joined that, the guy has been messaging me EVERY day. Lots of wink faces and tongue faces and being very flirtatious. Last night he asked me out for a coffee. I said no and explained that I'm going through a break up, I still love my ex, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, i am only looking for friends, and I don't feel comfortable meeting him 1:1.

He said he completely understood. Today he has messaged me several times asking how I am, sending a photo of his dog etc. I haven't replied.

What do i do? I just want him to stop messaging me!! I feel like it is weird how much he is messaging me when i have met him once and had one conversation and I've told him I'm not interested!!

I really enjoyed the meetup group and i want to continue to go to it, but i feel so awkward now and feel like this guy pestering me has ruined it. I don't want him to be stuck to me at every event and me not be able to get away? I dont know what to say without just being a bitch and making things awkward. But i want him to leave me alone

They wont run a claires law request for you with this op. Its more for if you were in a relationship with him.

Try not to freak out too much. He is just a weirdo who will be on to the next person tomorrow.

@Pinkbonbon

They wont run a claires law request for you with this op. Its more for if you were in a relationship with him.

Try not to freak out too much. He is just a weirdo who will be on to the next person tomorrow.

Aww okay, have never actually done one before so don't know what the criteria is!

Thank you. I'm lying here wide awake just freaking myself out. I was raped 6 years ago by an acquaintance who came on to me a few times, I said no, and one day he did not take no for an answer. And I just feel like this has brought all that back up :-( I am thinking the worst because I know what people are capable of :-(

I don't want to leave the group, I had such a nice time and it was supposed to be something positive for me to do after my break up. I hope that maybe he will be too embarrassed to show his face again

Can you message some on the girls in the group and ask if they’ll meet you prior to the next group meet? Maybe walk in together or meet for a coffee before hand?

Failing that these types of men are generally looking for easy prey. You’ve made yourself clear and spoken to the group leader, he’ll know that you aren’t a great target.

He’ll move on. I’d be surprised if he attends the next meeting.

@Crumpets123 telling your friends is definitely a good thing.
I’m so sorry for what’s happened, it must have taken courage to put yourself out there socially in a group and he’s tarnished that! But don’t let this awful experience put you off, there are good honest genuine people out there too

@LadyJaye yep, it’s the Mumsnet ‘go to’, along with dementia for anyone over the age of 60!

Thank you, @Scautish.

I'm getting increasingly annoyed by the horribly ableist attitudes displayed on MN that would be considered completely unacceptable if they were applied to any other form of discrimination, and the fact that @MNHQ does nothing about it.

(PS - brilliant user name! )

Agree you may feel nervous now but he is just a weirdo looking for a "soft target".

Maybe it's using dating apps quite a lot but I've learned I am allowed to just block/ignore/blank/not reply to people if I feel they're being pushy!

However, also don't feel like you need to "push yourself" to keep attending/stay in touch if you're uncomfortable

I myself spent longer than a lot of women building self-esteem, everyone brings different trauma and confidence levels to a situation?

If you're not comfortable please don't force yourself to turn up, you ARE allowed to just leave the group or not attend for a while if it's making you stressed.

There'll be plenty more meets and social occasions to attend in time.

You don't need to get into a battle or feel you have to "win a fight" if you're really stressed that much over it.

I found with the creeps at Meetup I wasn't "afraid" of them, more annoyed

but equally I didn't want the hassle of planning to avoid someone, when I could go for coffee by myself or watch a film or do a yoga class?

Op, I am angry on your behalf. How dare he make you feel bad! Go to the meetup but don't be afraid to be as loud as you need to be if he bothers you again. You must ask for someone to walk you to your car or wait for your taxi/ whatever with you. Hopefully he will just leave you alone, but it's him that needs to feel awkward, not you.

@LadyJaye

Thank you, *@Scautish*.

I'm getting increasingly annoyed by the horribly ableist attitudes displayed on MN that would be considered completely unacceptable if they were applied to any other form of discrimination, and the fact that @MNHQ does nothing about it.

(PS - brilliant user name! )

@MNHQ clearly don’t care at all. How any online parenting forum could allow “support threads” which contain the wildest generalisations, harmful stereotyping and a horrifically ableist narrative (and the vast majority have undiagnosed partners).

These threads are constantly referenced in other threads as an “eye opener” about what relationships with autistic people are like ie they are considered representative. It is so damaging. When I queried the ableist narrative I was told “don’t read them if it upsets you”.

So it’s very clear where MN stand in this.

(Sorry OP for the hijack!)

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Asking someone to respect your boundaries is not being a bitch. That's female socialisation at work! Tell him that you don't want him to message you again then block him.

Yes.

Do go back to the group, there will be other people to talk to.

.

CAN WE FUCKING STOP WITH THIS, PLEASE?

I am autistic and shit like this is so, SO offensive.

Firstly, we no longer refer to it as Asperger's (the Nazi connection makes it a bit problematic - it's simply ASD).

Most people are not dicks. Most people with ASD are not dicks.

Some people are dicks. Some people with ASD are also dicks.

Do you see the lack of correlation there?

I totally agree. On every thread where someone's being a dickhead, oh yeah, it must be ASD. From people who have not the slightest idea what it is. Or only do from their external experience of one or two people close to them who have it.

I have ASD. I know dozens of people with ASD. And newsflash - shock!!! - they are all different, like all neurotypical people you meet are different. ASD is about neural and sensory processing, it is NOT about personality. Can people just stop demonising us like this, like a pantomime villain? It's so absurd it would be funny if it wasn't so massively offensive. I guess shouting "ASD!" on online forums is the modern equivalent of thinking a gollywog is a great toy for a baby.

I hope people will listen to us and stop this hatred, but I expect they will not.

When I queried the ableist narrative I was told “don’t read them if it upsets you”.

FFS! Would they say that if people were posting racist comments?

The "trans" threads certainly don't seem to be moderated on the basis of "just don't read it if you find it offensive".

So why is it ok to make such comments about austistic people. At all. And especially on threads like this that have nothing whatsoever to do with autism? Be great if MNHQ answered your question...

He is very needy, and bothersome, and a bit of a pest.. You will have to straight talk to him, if you see him again at these meet up things.. and hope that he backs off, and doesn't turn weird about it.

Well done for nipping it in the bud - it could turn into very unwanted attention. Don't be scared to say you're not interested in chatting and perhaps see him at these events but you don't want anything special
With him.
Sorry to hear about your past - all the more reason to put boundaries in place

I had so many issues with Meet Up when I was single I stopped going. Loads of creepy men, weird messages through the website, them cornering me at events. Even the bloody hiking group was full of them.

It's a shame as it's a nice concept to make new friends but I found the whole thing quite predatory.

I came on to say speak to the organisers, as I can see many other posters have already mentioned. I co-organise a Meetup group and would want to know if a member experienced this.

One of my fellow organisers was being bothered by a man before she took on the organising role and didn’t tell anyone at the time. Just hoped the bloke would stop coming, which thankfully he did. Now that we’ve spoken about it, we have made a clear decision that we wouldn’t tolerate this. We also look into other things that are bothering members.

Thanks everyone I had such a bad night's sleep worrying about it all. It's such a shame to hear others have had similar experiences with Meetup. It does make me wary to go back, but I do feel reassured that the organiser I told was extremely supportive and couldn't have responded better, so at least I know there is a zero tolerance for this kind of stuff. It just brought back that awful feeling of not being believed, or being questioned as to what did I do to encourage it....

.

Apologies, op - replied earlier having missed the update where you said you went to the organiser. Glad to hear it! And glad to hear fears you wouldn’t be believed were unfounded. Sadly, I think most women at least can believe very easily due to personal experience.

Fingers crossed that this is the end of the line for this creep and you can feel comfortable again. Makes me furious that women either have to accept fear or curtail their lives because of this.

off-chance that there's something wrong with them.

Nice!!!! Fellow autistic here too.

Just to say, the people I know with ASD are well aware of the existence of boundaries, as they have their own. They tend towards being over-cautious when dealing with other people because they don't want to misread any social cues. I know the saying "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism" but it's just my experience that pushy creeps know they're being pushy creeps and have nothing to do with being on the spectrum.

Please don't let him spoil your new social venture for you. What did you tell the organiser you would like them to do?

Have you blocked him now?

I think whenever a new person joins the Whats app group there should be a disclaimer to say please don't save this number or message directly.