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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guy I met at a meetup group will not stop texting

197 replies

Crumpets123 · 23/08/2021 16:05

I'm feeling very weirded out and don't know how to handle this without making things awkward.

Recently gone through a breakup just a few weeks ago. Joined my local meetup group to get me out the house and make new friends.

Had a great time at the first event I went to last week. Had some lovely conversations and was a good night despite my initial nerves and reservations!

Was chatting to a group of people including this guy, the others kind of separated off and we continued talking. Wasn't flirty at all from either side (not that I picked up on anyway). He asked me why I joined the group and I talked about my break up etc

There is a group WhatsApp for the group and since I joined that, the guy has been messaging me EVERY day. Lots of wink faces and tongue faces and being very flirtatious. Last night he asked me out for a coffee. I said no and explained that I'm going through a break up, I still love my ex, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, i am only looking for friends, and I don't feel comfortable meeting him 1:1.

He said he completely understood. Today he has messaged me several times asking how I am, sending a photo of his dog etc. I haven't replied.

What do i do? I just want him to stop messaging me!! I feel like it is weird how much he is messaging me when i have met him once and had one conversation and I've told him I'm not interested!!

I really enjoyed the meetup group and i want to continue to go to it, but i feel so awkward now and feel like this guy pestering me has ruined it. I don't want him to be stuck to me at every event and me not be able to get away? I dont know what to say without just being a bitch and making things awkward. But i want him to leave me alone

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 23/08/2021 20:52

Just be very cool with him when you see him next time. Don’t smile or make eye contact, hopefully he’ll get the message.

category12 · 23/08/2021 21:05

I would be vague & polite - avoid getting monopolised by him again. Smile, say hey - and chat to someone else. Don't get drawn into 1-1 with him if he tries to guilt you or "explain", just make an excuse and go to the bar/loo/whatever and don't go back to where he is.

If it's a sit-down type meet, sit with different people. Don't be afraid to move around and change seats - you can just say "oh I want to make sure I really mingle this time and get to know everyone a bit better" if he asks.

Leave with a group, don't leave on your own.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 21:32

Often ppl don't go to every meetup meet per group anyway. But if he does then just make a point if sitting with other ppl.

TourneeDuChatNoir · 23/08/2021 21:33

Unfortunately, a lot of people see Meetup as being a slightly less "sad" way of meeting people of the opposite sex than going on Tinder. I've found as a single woman that there's a bit of an assumption that I joined to meet men, and you even see it on here being put forward as a way of dating. It's really annoying for those of us who join interest groups because of, well, the interest.

You've now set your boundaries re communication, now you just need to follow through on it at the next meetup. I have had to deal with overly attentive men at these sorts of things, and the only way to keep them away is to be borderline rude. Even politely listening while he talks will be taken as encouragement! Don't let him get you alone, always start talking to someone else if you see him approaching with intent. If you do get stuck with him, make some sort of excuse to go elsewhere (to the bar, to the toilet, outside because you need to make a call) and then when you return, go and sit with someone else. He'll soon get the message. You'll probably feel like you're being mean but he's the one who's almost spoiled your new group for you by being inappropriate so, you know, sod him.

joystir59 · 23/08/2021 21:34

Ignore and block

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 23/08/2021 21:43

Bloody hell. He just messaged me and said "can I ask are you comfortable messaging as just friends or not?"

What!! I literally said I wasn't...why is he so obsessed with someone he has met once?!?! This is so weirc

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/08/2021 21:44

"No, so think it's best I block you now. All the best."

Then block.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 21:45

Just straight up block him.
Dont reply. Just block.
And I'd consider sending a screenshot of your last few messages to the meetup organiser. Because the behaviour is quite frankly creepy af and I'd worry for the safety of other women in the group by this point.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/08/2021 21:46

His message implies you were previously comfortable messaging as more than friends and have now changed your mind... he's not going to take any hints so don't worry about the socialisation that's made you feel pressured to 'be nice' 'don't upset him' etc and set a clear boundary and stick to it - follow through.

FlorenceNightshade · 23/08/2021 21:46

@Crumpets123 I shit you not I still get random messages from a man I was nice to over ten years ago. I get embarrassed for him.
It’s weird and obsessive and you need to ignore him completely now! And if you do ever go to the group again please make sure someone knows your plans and arrange a check in text or call. Sadly we just can’t be too careful

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/08/2021 21:47

@Pinkbonbon

Just straight up block him. Dont reply. Just block. And I'd consider sending a screenshot of your last few messages to the meetup organiser. Because the behaviour is quite frankly creepy af and I'd worry for the safety of other women in the group by this point.
I agree with sending a screenshot to your meet-up leader as it's totally inappropriate behaviour and may help if it's the final warning for him or the first one of a few. Every little helps.
Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 21:47

Speaking as someone who used to run a meetup group, I'd happily remove this guy without explanation if he pulled that shit in my group.

Of course, ppl vary. But hopefully the person will. Or at the very least, they can make a point of acting as a second buffer between you two at group meetings.

category12 · 23/08/2021 21:50

Block him.

catfunk · 23/08/2021 21:53

Block him now. Don't explain and don't apologise. You don't owe him anything.
Screen grab them and send them to group organiser. Ask them to send a reminder about unsolicited or excessive contact.

Surewhynot · 23/08/2021 21:53

@Pinkbonbon

Just straight up block him. Dont reply. Just block. And I'd consider sending a screenshot of your last few messages to the meetup organiser. Because the behaviour is quite frankly creepy af and I'd worry for the safety of other women in the group by this point.
I would do exactly this.

He’s been told not to message you, he continued to do so. His behaviour is not acceptable.

Akire · 23/08/2021 21:54

I’d be tempted to accidentally reply in main group chat with “can you stop texting me please Mark This isn’t Tinder I’m not interested” then let everyone see what’s he’s like. Anyone says anything oh dear you meant send it to him not the group. Admin can see what is happening and hopefully speak to him!

Paq · 23/08/2021 21:56

Block him and blank him at the next meetup.

justasmalltownmum · 23/08/2021 21:56

After your last update - just block

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 23/08/2021 21:58

Block him and report him. The audacity of him implying you were previously messaging as more than friends.

And sadly I agree with another PP - don't tell men you're reeling from a bad break up, it makes it too obvious you're vulnerable.

fuzzymoomin · 23/08/2021 21:58

Omg!! We dont even know eachother, we met once!!!! This is so weird!

That should be your reply to him...

Marmaladeagain · 23/08/2021 22:01

Sometimes being awkward is the correct and appropriate response. Always trust your instincts and never worry about being impolite when someone is overstepping boundaries. They rely on you being polite, don’t play the game and know you are right to say when you’re uncomfortable.

SisterMonicaJoansHabit · 23/08/2021 22:06

He didn't take the hint.
He didn't take it directly either.
So block him on what's app but don't forget to block him on text/call as well.

mummabubs · 23/08/2021 22:16

God he reminds me of situations that happened a few times in my teenage/ early twenties. I was always taught to be friendly and polite to people. This meant at uni and beyond I tended to get into patterns of befriending people (both male and female) who other people perhaps ignored or ostracised as they weren't "cool". With the two guys that immediately come to mind I was never flirtatious or indicated I wanted anything other than friendship, yet both tried to instigate something through intense messaging, wouldn't stop messaging me when I then asked them to and then eventually accused me of leading them on (one literally called a lying whore).

In your case OP if you choose to reply at all I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of "No, as I've already said I'd prefer it if you didn't message me 1:1". I hope he gets the message.

HyacynthBucket · 23/08/2021 22:18

Don't reply again, OP it will just encourage him. Ignore and block all from now on, and keep screenshots of the texts in case you need to show to group organiser etc. He may have form for doing this.

Enough4me · 23/08/2021 22:30

I would block and report as he isn't listening to you. Still go to the group and he approaches you say "no thanks" and move away.