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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me

163 replies

melonba · 21/08/2021 11:30

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad Sad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

OP posts:
Ifets · 21/08/2021 11:38

So sorry you’re going through this. Do you have any friends you could see for a cup of tea, or ring if not close by? Talking and getting another perspective on what to do can help you feel a little better. Maybe get away for the weekend so you can think clearer.
Others will have better advice. Hugs

SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 11:41

No advice but it sounds like you're well rid of him.

From what you say it wouldn't surprise me if he comes crawling back as soon as he sees the day-to-day version of the fantasy only-fans woman. Stay strong and don't let him try to come back from this. SAHD fair enough - but it doesn't sound as if he's done anything to support you with your mental health.

I hope it stops hurting soon. Flowers

Crikeyalmighty · 21/08/2021 11:47

He is quite clearly off his rocker. Leave him to it-

trevthecat · 21/08/2021 11:53

Has he said what his long term plan is? Move abroad? Her move here? Is he moving out? Sorry you are going through this

Kabakofte · 21/08/2021 11:57

Act as though you understand and support him, buy him a one way ticket to wherever she is and then kiss the fucker goodbye

Comedycook · 21/08/2021 12:00

Would he even want custody? Anyway, this new "relationship" clearly won't last

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 12:03

His long term plan is move back in with his family, go out there to see her j think twice W year, and eventually she moves here. She wants a child and he is willing to have another with her.

There's nothing wrong with SAHD's, but I had to do all of the school runs for DC1, and all of the housework. He did basically nothing except be present during the day when j wasn't there. I come home and he leaves me to do everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 12:05

And he's tried telling me they've only been talking a few weeks... pull the other 😂

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 12:09

His long term plan is move back in with his family, go out there to see her j think twice W year, and eventually she moves here.

It doesn't exactly sound like an ideal set-up for a long-term relationship - seeing her twice a year. He's living in cloud-cuckoo land.

DoingItMyself · 21/08/2021 12:10

You're going to be absolutely fine. It might take you a few weeks to sort things out, and to realise that you will be ok, but you'll get there.

Stop noticing or caring what he says about his new woman, just accept with open arms this great gift he's giving you - freedom from him. Never, ever, let him worm his way back into your life. He'll try. Most of them do.

WhatdoIsaytothem · 21/08/2021 12:11

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Have you any friends you can reach out to.
You need to get some legal advice too about the house and your rights. Do not let him take further advantage of you.
It will be hard at first, but you have your children and your future to think about. A man who has done it this is as selfish as can be. He sounds deranged.
You need to be prepared for him coming crawling back at some point when his fantasy crashes down around him. Be strong. He is not a nice or decent man to have done this.

Miracle29 · 21/08/2021 12:11

OP hugs to you. The grass might seem greener on the other side and he thinks it's a good idea now but it might not always be that way and if it does turn sour dont take him back because he will only do it again. You'll never trust him. You are well rid of him. Get yourself to see a solicitor about custody plans so you know where you stand with that. This will all hurt for a while especially when kids are involved but believe me you'll get there and realise just how worthy you are and later on you will find someone who appreciates you and your children and not look back. Please be kind to yourself this is not your fault Flowers

Longdistance · 21/08/2021 12:17

Well, you’re well rid of this cocklodger. I’d say buy him a one way ticket to fuckoffsville and count my lucky stars that you don’t have to carry this fucker!
I can’t believe this is the second time he’s done it.

RJnomore1 · 21/08/2021 12:17

Ah well you will barely notice he isn’t there. Except less dishes and laundry.

Do you have friends and family where you moved from? I’d go home for a few days, take your kids, centre yourself surrounded by people who care if you can.

It’s potentially all a scam but as he has no income goodness knows. You will be ok. You will be better than ok 💐

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 12:22

@Longdistance I know right, second time, the woman physically looks very similar to the other (not the same person though), in the same country etc. He is adamant he won't come crawling back and wants a DIY divorce to be done within the next 10 weeks. I'll never take him back anyway.

OP posts:
BeachDrifting · 21/08/2021 12:25

He sounds mentally deficient. He’s been using you. Sat there at home all day, while you work, logging on and wanking off to strippers online. This is bonkers. Do not communicate with him anymore. This is it. Done. He’s nuts. You know this. You need rid so you can get a normal man and live a normal life. Normal people don’t behave like this. Pull up your big girl pants. No crying. Feel relieved. This has disaster written all over it and you and your kids need to not be involved. These are now the things you need to do. Get your kids passports out of the house. See a divorce solicitor now and file a prohibited steps order. He’s told you he intends to fly overseas to meet a stripper he has never met. You are concerned for your kids safety and money. Put a stop on all accounts. He needs to have no access to family money. All money and accounts get put in your name. Stop all credit cards. You’re not funding his sex trip overseas. Who have you got 500 miles back home? Think about moving back. Get the solicitor to file a deed of separation now. If he starts racking up debt to see the stripper you don’t want to be liable. He needs to be cut off. He moves out of the family home tonight. Gone. Take a leave of absence from work to deal with this.

BeachDrifting · 21/08/2021 12:28

You do not do a DIY divorce. What he wants does not matter. Get a solicitor. Email half a dozen now. Say you need emergency/urgent advice and to file orders to stop him removing the kids and money. Shut off his finances. You now are in charge. Make him go to a hotel. Get rid.

crystaltips98 · 21/08/2021 12:29

Flowersit will take time but you will be better off in the long run. Can you move closer to your family/friends again

BeachDrifting · 21/08/2021 12:29

You are living with somebody deranged. Remember that. Protect yourself and your kids

Holshicup · 21/08/2021 12:32

Op you may not know it now but this woman has done you the biggest favour. ( if she even real, he could be getting well and truly scammed)

Solicitor asap, as much support as you can get, play the victim to the max.
Oh and a big bottle of champagne to celebrate getting shot.

CockSpadget · 21/08/2021 12:34

Wow, I can pretty much guarantee that she is stringing him along to keep him paying her OF.
She's done you a favour OP, he's revealed what an absolute deluded scum bag he is.
Wishing you all the best in your future without him. I know it's overwhelming right now, but you will be in a much better place sooner than you think.

frozendaisy · 21/08/2021 12:35

DIY divorce my ass!

frozendaisy · 21/08/2021 12:38

Ok it's a shock but you've got this.

Get a solicitor next week.

DuchessOfDisaster · 21/08/2021 12:39

@Crikeyalmighty

He is quite clearly off his rocker. Leave him to it-
This. Absolutely.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/08/2021 12:39

Right so a woman like that isn't going to tolerate two small children in tow i hardly think so. If it happens she isn't scamming him he will ditch the kids for her too.