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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me

163 replies

melonba · 21/08/2021 11:30

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad Sad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 12:39

wants a DIY divorce to be done within the next 10 weeks.

Ha ha. Let him whistle for it.

frozendaisy · 21/08/2021 12:40

So he moves in with his family, no housing costs from you to him. You can buy him out of the house or take on tenancy in your name.

Then split childcare costs depending on custody.

TellySavalashairbrush · 21/08/2021 12:41

Do you have any chance for you and the children to go and see your family/friends for a few days? or for them to come and stay with you? Just so you have some much needed real life support.

poolblue · 21/08/2021 12:49

what an utter fool he is. you, on the other hand, are strong, capable and have the world on your side. please try and find someone locally who can listen to you rant and then put yourself and your precious children first.

trevthecat · 21/08/2021 12:56

Can you do a DIY divorce that quick? Also don't let him do this on his terms. Do it on yours

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/08/2021 13:10

He's probably her exit plan - OF announced this week that they're stopping adult content as of October. Problems with their payment processors.

I predict he will go see her once, she'll realise he's an idiot and think "Oh fuck this" and hell then try to come crawling back. OR she'll keep asking him for money but keep making excuses why he can't visit.

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:12

I don't know re them. She asks people on Facebook to send her money all of the time (puts her cash app, PayPal etc up) but it's fine because she's a communist Hmm. They talk all the time on the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:15

Irony is, he doesn't have any money. We never had a joint account and wages go into mine, we don't have any savings because he buys shit. Don't get me wrong, I gave him money whenever needed and transferred him a proportion but that's stopping now obviously. But he has no intention of ever working again, has declared himself 'retired'. He does have a health condition that he receives PIP for but it doesn't affect his ability to work, so the DWP will expect him to find a job or stop his Universal Credit.

OP posts:
Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:16

We're also young (mid 20's), so to be retired is laughable. He expected me to provide for him, told me he wouldn't get a job when both DC were in school etc. He's lazy as sin.

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 13:17

@melonba

Irony is, he doesn't have any money. We never had a joint account and wages go into mine, we don't have any savings because he buys shit. Don't get me wrong, I gave him money whenever needed and transferred him a proportion but that's stopping now obviously. But he has no intention of ever working again, has declared himself 'retired'. He does have a health condition that he receives PIP for but it doesn't affect his ability to work, so the DWP will expect him to find a job or stop his Universal Credit.
Yup, he'll be crawling back as soon as he realises he's lost his easy berth. OF woman isn't going to keep him.
goldfinchfan · 21/08/2021 13:19

Can you move back to where you have support?

In the end be glad he is going he sounds really awful and will never make you or your DC's happy.

Start afrsh and you will soon feel better just by being away from his toxicity.

pleasekeeptotheright · 21/08/2021 13:20

Mid 20s?! Christ, kick him out and get yourself a solicitor.

goldfinchfan · 21/08/2021 13:21

Can you ask yourself truthfully why would you want him to stay?

Him going is going to be so good. She will be after a Visa or somehting and it will end in his tears.
Keep yourself and the DC's safe.

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:22

I have my best friend for emotional support/on the phone, and she's finding out legal things for me. She's adamant I should tell the other woman that he lied to her about when our relationship ended. I can't face that right now BUT my friend made a good point of saying that this woman doesn't have any money, is mid 30'a and could potentially be using my husband to have a baby/get married and receive the benefits of the NHS/Universal Credit. I don't know if that could be possible?

OP posts:
Name99 · 21/08/2021 13:22

He has done you a massive favour, it might not feel like this right now, but he is an absolute waste of space
You are so much better off without this loser in your life

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:23

@goldfinchfan I don't now. I did a few days ago because I love him and I always stressed that I wanted my DC to have a mum and dad together. I know separated but happy is better, but still.

OP posts:
hesadevilishlyhandsomedog · 21/08/2021 13:24

I'm so sorry OP. You really are SO much better off without him, but what a betrayal, and what a shock for you. To have your entire future decided by your so called 'D'H and presented as a fait acompli without any input or knowledge from you must hurt like hell... He sounds so truly dreadful that even if you end up alone you will always be better off than he will, having to live with himself and the inevitable consequences of his bizarre and shallow life choices. I wish you well x

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:24

@goldfinchfan I would like to move but I don't want them to be away from their dad, this is going to be hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 13:24

She's adamant I should tell the other woman that he lied to her about when our relationship ended. I can't face that right now

I really don't think you need to - you don't owe this woman anything, and more than likely she is stringing him along - she's probably got dozens of followers on OF.

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:25

That's what I said @SquirryTheSquirrel

OP posts:
Name99 · 21/08/2021 13:26

Of course it possible she's using him, don't contact her, don't lower yourself to their scummy levels.
Leave the pair of idiots to it
Hold you head high, get legal advice and don't look back

ElliottSmithsfingers · 21/08/2021 13:26

You can't see this now, but she's doing you a huge favour. You're offloading this loser to some other unfortunate, with no effort on your part. Surely a win/win?

user1471538283 · 21/08/2021 13:27

Oh right so he starts his new life with no money and no home and he thinks this woman who is stringing lots of others along will settle for that? What a catch.

Make him leave now. Agree to a quick divorce and get him gone. I wouldnt tell her anything. He has probably fed her lies.

You are doing it all anyway. You will be fine. Him not so much.

hesadevilishlyhandsomedog · 21/08/2021 13:28

(I need to make it clear I don't think you will end up alone unless you want that to be the case!)

Original poster
melonba · 21/08/2021 13:30

Yep @ElliottSmithsfingers.

I promise

OP posts:
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