My husband has left me

[melonba]

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

Move as soon as you can back to the area where you have friends and family. Your children are young. Yes, they will miss their dad some maybe. But do you want your children to have regular contact with a person who refuses to work, spends the day online viewing porn, and lives on his wife's earnings. What kind of example is he for them?
Distance - that is the answer. Get away from him and start fresh. You are young enough, if you want another relationship you can find someone better.

@RantyAunty

I'm about 4 years out from a similar situation.

Met someone on fb from a poor country.
Decided he wanted a divorce and it was true love.

I was heartbroken but we went our separate ways.
She found out he had no money as I had the big job so after about a year it fizzled out. They never did meet.

What happened was a blessing in disguise as he really was a lazy user.
He is still alone.

The comment about her having a US passport but from somewhere else reminds me of another scam a woman played on a friend of mine. She claimed she was a US citizen and lived there and even showed a US passport which was fake. Turns out she was really living in the Philippines.

See a solicitor asap.

I'm American, and I'm always getting messaged by "American Men" on FB. They are so obviously NOT American. I bet you are right and she is not even in America. It's just a huge scam and most likely when he told her he free and able to be with her she probably ended things as she doesnt really want to be with him.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but just imagine, you’ve got another 40 years ahead of you to work, raise your children, and be happier, before even retiring. Much better to do it now.

Just on the point of not getting between the kids and their father. I understand this theoretically, but have an very serious example of how this can go pear shaped very easily.

My SIL left her alcoholic husband, and he ended up living with his girlfriend. Because she insisted the children needed to still spend time with their father, they ended up in some really appalling situations with the step siblings, and being left home alone etc at a really young age.. and even now, her son has ended up at his dad’s house and at 23 is now just like his dad.

Her daughter (who suffered the abuse in the hands of the step siblings) barely sees him.

Imagine this wasn’t their dad, but a godparent, or cousin, or even a nanny, would you feel that they are OK being around his behaviour?

Keep this on the back burner, but just worth considering if you’re giving out to yourself about “taking them away”. I’d say you were keeping them out of harms way til they’re old enough to articulate their own needs, and tell her if they’re unhappy with him.

Good luck, and keep your strength up. You mustn’t give in when it gets tough. The fact that you can already manage all the work, and the housework, and the being a responsible parent, with this witless waste of space taking up emotional and physical space, by comparison you life as a single parent will be a breeze.

Paid childcare is SO much easier to manage than a repugnant other half

Obviously just my opinion.

How does he expect people to react when he says hes in a 'relationship' with a stripper abroad who he never sees?

Nobody deserves a man this stupid.

OP, you will feel better, honestly.

On the positive side, it will be very entertaining for you when all falls apart for him.

Have not read whole thread yet but my immediate thoughts are that your husband sounds very unstable and this other woman could well be a scam !! Make sure the family money is secure ….the whole plan sounds crazy and irrational. Am so sorry OP💐

So sorry to hear this. It’s so distressing for you. You are definitely better off without him though. It sounds as though she will be looking for financial support from him, so as soon as she finds out he doesn’t have a job, she’ll get rid. Please don’t let him come back. On a practical note, what are you going to do about childcare? Will your employers be amenable to you taking time off to sort everything out?

I’ve just read your updates and most of the thread. You really should be grateful that this happened now, in your 20s, rather than in 10 or 15 years time. You’ll be better off in every way without him. Move closer to your support network ASAP.

OP I've read so many threads over the years on MN from heartbroken women whose DPs have behaved this way and it has always been lovely to read them to the end.

The DPs in situation like yours nearly always end up with next to nothing (not just financially) and the change in circumstances of the women who post as they mvoe from heartbreak and fear of the unknown to their ultimately richer and fulfilling lives is always joyous.

This can be the only outcome for you too. You have NOTHING to lose from this relationship and everything to gain with your secure job and wonderful children. How great will it be to control and live your own life without him holding you back. You'll get to make all the decisions and do what you want to do. After what will be a bit of a shitty time it's going to be great.

@melonba I would like to move but I don't want them to be away from their dad, this is going to be hard enough as it is.

Stop putting your H’s interests first. You moved hundreds of miles from your family for him. Now you need to move closer to your supportive family. Your H can get a job so he can afford travel, child support etc.

It’s laughable that he’s “retired.” Retired from what? SAHD/SAHM are perfectly fine if they look after the home and DC during the day. It sounds like he’s a lazy scrounger. You are well rid. I also agree with your comment that this OW is hoping that by having a DC with your H, she could gain the benefits of a British citizen in the UK. Not sure how it works though.

He’s changed his mind, more like other woman changed her mind or had no intention of having a relationship with him in the first place. Use this as a way of moving forward and forming a new happy life with your children. 💐

Woaw! This is a ridiculous situation. You need to start taking control of your life without putting his needs first. Move back to your family, think of yourself first for a change. Staying there for him means that you will get pulled into his drama again and again. Not good for you or your children. Let him eat the shit pie he baked. He is not your responsibility.

The way he treats you is unbelievably bad. Raise your bar. You’re worth it.

@melonba please keep strong and keep this idiot gone from your life

He’s actually embarrassing, staying with him would be an enormous insult to your intelligence

You will be so much better off without him

So glad to see you've told him to do one. He's only coming back because it's either gone pear shaped with OW or he's realised his built in cleaner, maid, chef and babysitter is about to leave with her income.

This is a huge positive happening right now, grab it with both hands and stay firm

This whole thing is just bizarre. He's leaving his family for a catfish?

A SAHP who doesn't do the school run or housework? Honestly I think you've made a lucky escape OP. He sounds like a dick and a waste of wank.

You'll see that in time.

@melonba

Apparently he's ' changed his mind'. Too late for that now.

Oh that was quick.

But the trash took itself out and showed you its true colours.

The next few years could be really hard but you are worth more than this eejit.

You are the one that holds all the cards here - you have worked full time and have the ability to continue to do so regardless of where you are . He cannot offer the children anything - a home or an income .

Do not contact this scam of a woman - let him reap what he has sown .

You are only in your mid 20s - you deserve a better life than this and you will get one - in fact it is already better although it doesn't feel so .

As others have said no DIY divorce - you need to have a clean break divorce with no possibility of him coming back in the future to make a claim .

I know it is hard as feelings just don't switch off but we all have had feelings at one time for toxic people . He thinks only of himself and loves only himself . You will love someone else again and be loved how you deserve to be .

He sounds totally crazy, maybe brain washed by the idea of having a stripper as a GF, guessing she’s pretty but with no intelligence?

Leave him to it, move back to be closer to your family.

Things will get easier, probably for you but not him, this woman will probably take him for a ride leaving him with nothing, he hasn’t got a job so he won’t have no money coming in? He’s not really much of a catch for anyone.

Give him what he wants a quick divorce and a financial settlement.

Then wave him on his way.

Move back to your family, you owe him nothing, he has treated you so bad.

Aw bless. He probably told her his big plan of moving back in with his parents and seeing her twice a year and she realised he doesn't have any money.

As well as sticking to the divorce plan regardless. I think you need to take some time and work out why you have stayed with a man who is such a user loser.

Did you have a difficult time growing up?

@BeachDrifting

He sounds mentally deficient. He’s been using you. Sat there at home all day, while you work, logging on and wanking off to strippers online. This is bonkers. Do not communicate with him anymore. This is it. Done. He’s nuts. You know this. You need rid so you can get a normal man and live a normal life. Normal people don’t behave like this. Pull up your big girl pants. No crying. Feel relieved. This has disaster written all over it and you and your kids need to not be involved. These are now the things you need to do. Get your kids passports out of the house. See a divorce solicitor now and file a prohibited steps order. He’s told you he intends to fly overseas to meet a stripper he has never met. You are concerned for your kids safety and money. Put a stop on all accounts. He needs to have no access to family money. All money and accounts get put in your name. Stop all credit cards. You’re not funding his sex trip overseas. Who have you got 500 miles back home? Think about moving back. Get the solicitor to file a deed of separation now. If he starts racking up debt to see the stripper you don’t want to be liable. He needs to be cut off. He moves out of the family home tonight. Gone. Take a leave of absence from work to deal with this.

I agree with all of this.

My husband went off with a foreign prostitute. He fell for her being 20 years younger and making him like a God.
That feeling lasted a nanosecond before she got pregnant (told him her pill didn't work) and he's now stuck with someone he has nothing in common with, is changing nappies at 54 years of age and has become an alcoholic.
Me? I'm now living my best life !

OP - as a priority as there is another country involved and a man who is delusional - if your children have passports, remove them from the house and have someone you trust keep them safe. Do not tell him you have done this. If you don’t have passports, get them done as only one parent’s signature is required.

Put together an essentials bag in case you feel the need to leave in a hurry. Men of this ilk can get nasty quickly. Take all bank details, passports, birth certificates etc.

Open a new bank account and have your work put your wages in there. At the same time, tell the bank you are separated and they will freeze any joint accounts for you.

You will be fine. Better than fine.