My husband has left me

[melonba]

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

You already sound like your doing the same amount of work that a single parent does, and yes, it will take a while to feel more settled and comfortable but you will definitely get there.
This man is of no use to you, or anyone else.
There are forums such as Baggage Reclaim, (author of brilliant book 'Mr Unavailable') Also a very good read is How To Get Past Your Breakup by Susan J Elliott, she also has a forum, and short videos on YouTube. They offer valuable advice at a difficult time such as this, hopefully you won't feel so alone.
Good luck.

Your hopefully free of him now. Just don't take him back.

Be wary he will want full custody just to get CMS and stay off work. Be prepared to fight. Get evidence you did the school run, doctors/dentist appointments, school runs etc.

Full message didn't send arghhh

If the kids are still very young, then MOVE BACK HOME PRONTO.

Once they get into school it becomes a nightmare to move them and why the fuck should you raise them in his part of the world when you could be amongst friends and family and have support?

Frankly, if he misses them that much he'll make it work. Lord knows there's no job tying him to that place.

He will not fight you for custody. He is living in fairytale land.

Can you find work back home?

It will get better and one day soon you will feel relieved and grateful you are no longer with this arsehole.
Everything will seem overwhelming at the moment, you need help. Contact a divorce lawyer and they will tell you what needs to be done. Please reach out to friends and family for support. They won't judge you only him. Its nothing to be embarrassed about, only your husband has anything to be ashamed about.
Has he even met this woman? She might be playing him.... let's hope so he knows how it feels. Stay strong OP, you are better than this and deserve more. He has given you the opportunity for happiness and freedom do hold your head up high and don't let him see you are upset. Good luck

I expect OF woman thinks he has money. He's unlikely to have told her the wife he is leaving for her is, in fact, the one supporting him.

If he's only got PIP coming in, he's hardly going to be able to afford international travel on a regular basis, let along support her in the unlikely event she does try to come to the UK.

My H and I have recently separated. A friend who is 8 years post separation gave me the advice of 'be selfish'. Whatever you need to do to get through this, you do (within reason obviously!)

Also, don't be rushed into anything. You need time to process and consider everything right now. So don't be afraid to say 'I'll get back to you on that' so you're not rushed into any decision- from a divorce to a night out.

I have a dream which keeps me going. Twenty years from now I can buy my own house, where I want it to be, decorated how I like and I can close my own front door and know exactly what's in my bank account and that noone else will be able to rock me from my axis of stability. Right now, that dream seems worth putting up with the pain of this separation.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it will get better. We're three months in and all of my friends and family are commenting on how much happier I seem. You'll get there!

Your friend needs to stop egging you on about this other woman.

She's not going to move continents to be with some sad mid 20s loser with a load of baggage and no job just to share his fucking DLA

Forget it, forget him and protect yourself and your kids.

Absolutely let him move out ASAP, without the dc, then he’s no longer a SAHD. Get him out the house ASAP, agree to everything he says to get him out. Then decide where you want to be based. He can’t stop you moving within the UK. Speak to a solicitor (or a few solicitors) ASAP, lots offer a 30min free consultation. If you’ve spoken to them already he can’t then engage their services so try and get some idea of good ones in your area (and also the area you moved from in case heading back). Good luck op, you will absolutely look back in future and wonder why you put up with him, he has absolutely done you a favour although it’s a shock now

Also the main reason these girls want a baby with a British man is the baby gets British citizenship from birth, the mother can then apply for indefinite leave to remain in the UK without getting married. She doesn’t even have to be in contact with him anymore to get it. My dh is from a visa country and I personally know a number of women who have done this.

Omg what an utter loser he is. Unspeakably pathetic. I know it must hurt now but you will look back on this and laugh at how ridiculous he is.

So what? @AbstractEim

That's got nothing to do with the OP has it? You sound like her friend, it's not helpful.

It's a hundred to one that the OW is out to defraud him. She probably has a string of men planning to move in with her!

Are you renting or will you have to give him at least half the equity in the house?

You'd best hope he doesn't engage a decent solicitor for his part because as a sahd he could attempt to go for more plus a portion of your pension. I know that seems hideously unfair since he stopped working because he's a lazy useless twat, not to raise kids and take care of house, but legally that could be the position. Even if he moved in with you and isn't on the deeds.

If he doesn't realise this, a DIY divorce might be in yours and the kids best financial interests.

The timeline for a divorce is

Firstly the divorce itself initiated
Secondly the children's matters
Thirdly the finances, (in that order)

You will be lucky if you manage to get all that done in two years.
Some take longer than that.

It may be gruelling but it does give you a chance to take things step by step and pull in advice. You don't need to get everything done at once.

If he wants a divorce quick, then let him initiate (and pay the fees) for it to be done.

for children's matters and finances of course you need legal advice, although you can wise up and learn as much as you can to save yourself paying a solicitor more than you can afford.

I'd say the odds are a lot more than that @SirGawain but who cares? 100/1? More likely evens but how does that help the OP?

@pleasekeeptotheright

I'd say the odds are a lot more than that *@SirGawain* but who cares? 100/1? More likely evens but how does that help the OP?

I think *@SirGawain* means the odds are 100/1 against her being genuine!

You're mid-twenties! You'll look back in 5 years and thank your lucky stars that this guy was so delusional. You are so well rid.

What country is the other woman from? Just genuinely curious.

As if he's done this for a random woman he's seen on OnlyFans 🙄 fucking idiot. You sound way too good for him anyway

Sorry, they didn't meet on OF, they met on fb, she happens to have an OF. Sorry for any confusion.

Well it sounds like the trash took itself out.

Go for a clean break divorce, you don’t want him coming back in 20 years for more cash.

Op, where is best for YOU to live. The dc will be happy as you are the stable influence in their life. Their Dad is not likely to put them first so don't focus on his needs to be close to the children.

If he's jobless then he can move to be close to the children. Even if he is SAHD he will HAVE to support himself once you are separated. It's what SAHM have to do, irrespective at how tough it is to get back into the workplace.

I know you will be focusing on the losses and it's a shock when the man you thought you knew turns into a feckless idiot but it's NOT your fault. Please know this.

Once he moves out it will help you to have headspace. Will you be able to work with it his childcare assistance?

DO NOT CONTACT THE OTHER WOMAN! You want her to take him off your hands. If she suspects he has no money she’ll throw him back and he’ll have no motivation to get out. I strongly suspect he’s being scammed here and you want him out before he realises. I agree with everyone else. See a solicitor and make sure your assets are protected then get rid of him ASAP.

He sounds mental.

The trash took itself out though and you will, in time, be grateful to have offloaded this cocklodger loser.

Leave them to it. Imagine the surprise she gets when mr perfect is actually a lazy arsehole. it won't last five seconds!