My husband has left me

[melonba]

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

The OP above is right. This is happening at a great time for you but should have happened earlier at your own time. You are clearly very capable but have been passive with such low expectations in your relationship. When you are free of this one do the freedom programme as a starting point to make you focus on your worth. This relationship has been abusive. There are other ways to belittle your partner than violence and threat. Treating them like a magic money tree while wanking to only fans and doing a minimum of child care is awful. Even now you are struggling to put yourself first - make your next set of choices for you. His relationship with the children can’t be managed by you only nurtured by him. Distance is not a barrier to this but will take some planning.

Melonba - you'll have a much better life (and your kids will too) away from this sorry excuse for a husband. You sound very capable and I have no doubt that you will flourish in the future. Wishing you and your kids all the best.

Wow what a waste man.

I feel like you will be thinking about taking the easy option and taking him back. Please don't!!!! If you already have change your mind and kick him back out again

Get him gone, take some compassionate leave time off work, get childcare sorted you’ll get help through UC and then file for CSA.

I’m so sorry your life has come tumbling down. You need a period of grieving for the life you had even if it wasn’t perfect. Be really kind to yourself-have you got good friends you can talk to? Can you start to look at the life you can have without him dragging you down? I got divorced 15 years ago and it was horrible at the time. I used to lie in bed and want to die. I’m remarried now to a husband who shows his love all the time and we have just moved into our first joint home. But I spent 5 years on my own, did a degree, changed jobs and focussed on making a happy home for my kids. It was hard though and Iwas lucky ex payed maintenance for kids. Think about new possibilities but expect periods of great sadness and you will get through this.

OP, the first thing that concerns me here is that you cannot see that you are way out of this man's league and that you deserve better. He has no job, doesn't pick up the kids when he is a SAHD, doesn't do any housework as a SAHD, and plays away with online sex workers. He's a waste of oxygen.

You need to URGENTLY GET YOUR DUCKS IN ORDER. Make sure he does not have access to any money because he will give it to this woman. Everything you do NOW is damage limitation and will reduce the fallout. So, listen to the advice above; secure all accounts, stop credit cards, block access to accounts so he cannot empty them, remove your DC's passports. You need a solicitor urgently. Others know better but you need to limit the damage, make sure your DC's routine is uninterrupted, but also be fair to him so later on any judge will not think you have been malicious and you have been fair. E.g. he may need an allowance or something so he has some money to live on although if he has moved out he needs to claim UC.

Although he has been a SAHD, you need to collect evidence that you have been the one doing all the pickups, etc., and household stuff and evidence about his sordid dealings with the woman to show that he is an unfit parent. That sounds nasty, but I would imagine it would go in your favour regards to custody. He's not a SAHD, he's just a lazy f*ck who spent all day tending to his desires online and he is not fit to have DC in his house full time.

I know it is hard, but when you speak to him, do not give him any info at all. Just let him think that you are very upset, that you are not doing anything about all this (e.g. seeing a solicitor etc.) and that he has the upper hand. Say things like "I can't think straight right now, I'm too upset. I'll look at that next week" and then get off the phone and carry on with ridding this vermin from your life.

P.s. Great dads work and provide for their families, help with the housework and school runs and run cavort with strippers and online sex workers.

Just one more thng. Online sex workers/ strippers or whatever the correct term is, do this for a living. They extract money from men and they are very good at it. They tell them what they want to hear and reel them in to get as much cash as they can out of them. That is what this woman is doing and she probably has the same spiel with many men. Your DH has been suckered in. I highly doubt she wants to lumber herself with a man in the UK to bag some Universal Credit when she is raking it in online from a number of idiot men. Your DH is no catch. He's on another continent and is unemployed.

Not read the whole thread yet but if he's already left the house, then change the locks. Better this than trying to get him out if he decides to just let himself back in! You can do this if the house in in your name and then get your solicitor to establish that he's moved out and can't just come back whenever it suits because it threatens your right to privacy (this is what my friend did when her h kept trying to come back and take things from the house). He's also left the DC with you so I'd ask my solicitor whether that means he can still claim to be a sahd. I would dispute that status anyway, on the grounds that he wasn't actually looking after them and you did all school runs etc.

A lot of posters are saying take the kids away and cut him off. Kids are not possessions and they have a right to have a relationship with both parents...barring abusive ones.

He's their dad. He's a useless husband, but he's the father of your kids. My guess is he's immature and not ready for the responsibility of marriage and children. Just mid twenties and he's messed up before like this.

Carry on with the divorce, but you don't need to be the only parent. Don't absolve him of the responsibility of looking after his kids and being a dad, otherwise it falls 100% on you....you'll end up with no life and he moves on, without the stress of the kids.

Don't become one of those women who see the kids as her property and withhold contact unnecessarily and out of spite.

Solicitor tomorrow morning for proper legal advice.
Some good advice on this thread but there are also a lot of things that aren't correct or not quite correct.

Do not take him back. This is the second time he has done this. He must be as stupid as fuck to think he can have a relationship with some online stripper and for that stupidity alone you should get rid. You can do way better than that.

YOUR. AND. YOUR. CHILDREN’S. LIVES. WILL. BE. BETTER. WITHOUT. HIM.
Please always remember this

@SandyY2K have you even bothered to read the thread. The op made it clear that he does nothing for them. He doesnt even have a job. He has no income and does not support them financially.He barely watches them (as he most likely spent most of his time busy chatting up this ow). So no he doesnt actually deserve to have even custody of them for their own sake.

@melonba

How are you 💐