My husband has left me

[melonba]

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

While he's pulled the rug from under your feet, he's done you the most enormous favour OP.

He's deluded. Let him fall on his sword while you crack on with your life with your two DC's.

You must know in your heart that you will never be able to depend on this man again for help or support. So start making your plans for your future life without him, focus on what will be most practical for you and your children.

Get proper legal advice. Do not under any circumstances agree to a do it yourself divorce, no matter how hard he demands it.

Start to gather together all financial documents, passports, deeds etc, also start a journal of events so you can prove how unrealistic his plans and demands are.
Do not contact the OW at all, she is clearly playing her own game, so leave the pair of them to discover the truth about each other in the near future.

Most importantly, secure your own finances, for instance does he have a credit card on your account, do you pay for his phone etc etc.

OP, get legal advice immediately. You could be on dodgy ground here because you could be liable for maintenance, to him. If that is the case, and he doesn't realise, then a DIY divorce could be in your interests. It's good that you're young because presumably you have little or no pension he could come after. Also he could make life very difficult for you if you chose to return to your end of the country. Infact he may be able to prevent you from doing that. So my advice is to know exactly where you stand legally and then POSSIBLY agree to the DIY divorce because honestly, the less he knows about what he is legally entitled to the better. Information is power here. Make sure you have it, not him.

Absolutely get legal advice! Especially since he would probably be considered their 'main carer' up to this point. You're going to want to get some type of residency order showing that they live with you and you are now main carer.

And I'd move closer to my family. If he wants to see them then he can relocate. He doesn't work so there's no reason for him not to move if he wants to.

I really appreciate everyone's response!

I'm not going to message her.

I guess I'll be thanking him in a few years for doing this?

As you’re married you can’t just cut him off financially and stop access to money. Not legally
Morally I understand why people say this

You absolutely need legal advice re residency, divorce anc financial split

@millymollymoomoo I'm not, PIP goes into his account and he could claim UC (which we already do to top up my wages)?

How old are your children?

There is now way he will be able to sponsor her to come over here if he is not working but don’t tell him this. Your priority is to set up the new status quo. Get him to move out, claim single adult occupancy for council tax, sort childcare if you need to, claim benifits you are entitled to, claim CM from him, make sure the child benefit is in your name. Don’t mention it to him but judges like to maintain the status quo for children. Get the children settled into the new routine without him in the house. Make this your priority.

"It's like the trash took itself out" springs to mind @melonba

@melonba please get advice and ensure Amy divorce is a clean break, you need this so he has no future claim on your income and finances. Do not do a DIY divorce and leave yourself vulnerable.

*any not Amy

OP you will have no say over what DH does. MY DD refused to move nearer because of shared custody for her DS.......so surprise, really horible XH then moved away from her.He didn't want to be closer it didn't suit him.

You cannot make a decision based on him being reliable or truthful.

Right now you want to hold onto your preference for your DC's to have mum and Dad together but it won't ever be good with a man who would do as he has just done.


I personally do not think you should contact the OW.  Her agenda is her business and she will not tell you the truth. She probably will not care about him lying because they are not in love. She is after getting to the UK and finding money. I doubt she will hang on to him once she is here as he has NO money!
And if he is claiming PIP and could be working then he might lose that benefit and have nothing.

There is now way he will be able to sponsor her to come over here if he is not working but don’t tell him this. Your priority is to set up the new status quo. Get him to move out, claim single adult occupancy for council tax, sort childcare if you need to, claim benifits you are entitled to, claim CM from him, make sure the child benefit is in your name. Don’t mention it to him but judges like to maintain the status quo for children. Get the children settled into the new routine without him in the house. Make this your priority.

This ^^

@melonba You are mid 20's with an independent functional approach to life. I know who I pity, and it's certainly not you.

You have all the time in the world to move onwards and upwards from this deluded idiot, and find a proper loving & supportive partner.

Get him to move out asap and get your finances separated. Get a solicitor and the divorce underway.
Look at moving back to where your family and friends are.
Fresh start without the useless baggage - exciting new chapter. It will be painful, but I don't think you'll look back.

My life is never usually this 'interesting' or dramatic, but H called me saying he'd give me one more chance because he loves me and I love him. I laughed, told him to fuck off and hung up.

Of course you are upset but he’s done you a massive, massive favour. What’s worse than his betrayal? You enabling his sorry arse for god knows how many years further.

Use his ignorant bliss to your advantage and focus on getting childcare sorted. Don’t contact this woman, let her deal with her own foolishness. The longer he thinks he has a future with her, the more time you have to focus on getting things sorted. Given this woman’s multiple revenue streams do you really think she’s going to give that up and fly to another country for someone she barely knows, is unemployed and lives at his mum’s.

He’s probably one of many foreign suitors and when he realises that and appreciates the cushy existence he’s walked away from with you, he is going to try and crawl his way back, probably using his misguided status of SAHD to manipulate you. Therefore establishing a childcare routine where he isn’t seen as the primary carer, should be your priority.

You’re future just got a whole lot brighter and in time you will see it.

Apparently he's ' changed his mind'. Too late for that now.

@melonba

My life is never usually this 'interesting' or dramatic, but H called me saying he'd give me one more chance because he loves me and I love him. I laughed, told him to fuck off and hung up.

What a fucking moron he is.

I'm excited for your new life away from him OP, he's someone else's problem now - whether his own or another woman's!

Give you one more chance? He really thinks he can call the shots? Get rid. Glad you told him to fuck off!

Glad you aren't having him back.

You have finally got rid of this leech - hurrah, celebrate!!!

Is he intending to have the DC at all or is that too much work for him 🙄

@melonba Arrogant, as well as gullible and lazy!
What a tempting package.

How do you feel? She's blown him out for someone of means, hasn't she!!

Which continent are we talking about? This is a well-known scam in Russia.

He is a shit. You are actually in a strong position:
You have the earning power and financial security, not him. You will just need to arrange childcare.

Other than being physically present in working hours he does fuck all round the house etc, so you won't feel his loss in practical terms.

It is v unlikely that he will seek residence for the kids. He will want yo continue to indulge the new love of his life, ahem.

See a solicitor. Get some proper legal advice.

I appreciate it hurts like hell now, but you have a much brighter future without this turd.

@melonba

Apparently he's ' changed his mind'. Too late for that now.

What a surprise! Would never have seen that coming .

@SquirryTheSquirrel Yes - what a shocker!

We call our squirrel Cyril :)