My husband has left me

[melonba]

I have NC'd for this as it's extremely outing.

The situation feels surreal but MNHQ can confirm that I'm legit.

My husband has left me for a woman he's met online. He says he doesn't love me, find me attractive etc. She doesn't even live on this continent. She's also a stripper/only fans creator, which is making me feel even more shit. He told her we've been separated for three months, it's been less than a week in reality. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's the first time there's no coming back from it. We have two young DC and he's a SAHD, whilst I've worked full time to financially support us, at a great cost to my own mental health. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared about the custody of my children. I also moved 500 miles to be with him (in the uk to another part of the uk) so I'm alone physically. He's also very manipulative and it's scarred me for life. I will answer things to give a broader perspective, but I just want someone to tell me when it will stop feeling this bad

Yes, I know it's probably good riddance in the long term, but it still hurts so much and I'm scared about the uncertainty ie custody.

You need to see a solicitor immediately. His being a SAHD, even a poor one, and having a disability could put you in a precarious financial position. We can’t really advise on your exact legal situation which is why you need professional guidance through this.

I wouldn’t worry too much about getting a fair custody split, but seeing the solicitor ASAP should help make sure you get in the right path for that as well.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to DIY this. It may seem like a way to save money and make it more cooperative. I was advised against it and told it would cost more in the long run. I didn’t believe them. Guess what, it cost much more in the long run. Much, much more. It also didn’t make things any less adversarial. A good solicitor protects you from the emotional turmoil and keeps things civil.

@melonba Hope you're ok x

@SquirryTheSquirrel I thought it'd be at least a few weeks until that happened!

@IndecentCakes she's a US citizen but not from there, has lived there for most of her life I think and has a US passport.

You could seek legal advice but play along with the DIY divorce option. I.e do not let him know you have seen a solicitor.
You need to know exactly where you stand but as the main breadwinner perhaps have more in the way of pension etc?
The guilt and desperation for him to be free for this new (imaginary) woman could work to your advantage. It might be wise to strike before he comes to his senses

He sounds like a total idiot and therefore you will be better off without him .

What a twat. I hope for your own and dcs sake you stick to yours guns op. Otherwise as you said, this isn't the first and definitely wont be the last time it happens...

Also can I just add his utter laziness shows. He clearly has too much time on his hands to be talking to someone online for that long. Should be investing that effort and energy to his children.

Pathetic excuse of a dad

I would say he is off his chump and you are well-rid.

Clearly well rid and some excellent advice on here OP. He is a lazy rotter and you need to see a solicitor ASAP

He will try and hover you back. Guilt trip you when you are non compliant and then threaten to take the kids. All three are massive red flags and very abusive.

You are so young and with him having to roll onto his parents for support and potentially having a stripper/ only fans step mum, a judge would find that odd set up?

Seeing he is asking for you back is only due to him realising that the card he holds are rather limited on the cushy life front. So hold on tight, don’t get sucked up into his manipulative requests and just generally go grey stone on him.

You are worth so much more

How does he know he is the one and only. Online strippers are so good at putting on the act, enticing guys in and making them believe it’s all real. Yes I think he may be in for a big fall!

Definitely get legal advice and don’t agree to a DIY divorce. Although if you are the only earner and you the house you live in you own or is mortgaged - be prepared that you may have to give half the equity or ‘buying out’. Pretty galling when you have been funding him.

@melonba

Apparently he's ' changed his mind'. Too late for that now.

That was quick. Don't let him.

Oh my god. Just read your update. He said he’d give you one more chance? Fuck off. Tell him to fuck right off. You can do better. Do not waste your life on this twat

your mid 20s?! you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone AMAZING.

this is not it! Kick him out OP where possible, or move asap before this turns ugly.

Do not give him another chance, again, he is a moron and a loser!!

Gosh OP does he have any idea how difficult it is to get into this country now, that is assuming he wants her to live with him.

My DS is married to a US citizen, they had to be married in the US otherwise she would have had to live here on a "fiancees visa" for six months and not able/allowed to work in that time. DIL had to have a permanent address to come to in this country.also a spouse that was employed and earning and had to pay several thousands towards NHS treatments she might need.,
It took months to get her a National insurance number once she had arrived. The whole family had to write statements, provide photos to prove it was a proper relationship before she was allowed here.
DS was not suitable to go and live in the US as he didn't have a "skill/profession" that they needed!
I would be very interested on how they propose to maintain this relationship, he really is not living in reality is he?

Bwahaha-I'm so glad to hear you are rehoming that bastard! He sounds like my sister's ex boyfriend-she has a PHD, smart,funny with a good life and he cheated on her with a stripper! She then stalked/harassed my sister to the point she needed legal involvement. Guess who's moved back in with his parents after she cheated on him? Yeah what goes around comes around.

but H called me saying he'd give me one more chance because he loves me and I love him.

Yeah right. He's got in touch with her and she's not interested. He's too poor for her. She's probably a catfish or just making money online. His PIP isn't enough for her.

I laughed, told him to fuck off and hung up.

Well done.

He sounds a right twat! It’s probably dawned on him that he’s entitled to fuck all money and will be expected to look for work! He’s a cocklodger of the highest order!

He's a fuckin' toolbag.
Please don't relent and take him back ever.

I'm about 4 years out from a similar situation.

Met someone on fb from a poor country.
Decided he wanted a divorce and it was true love.

I was heartbroken but we went our separate ways.
She found out he had no money as I had the big job so after about a year it fizzled out. They never did meet.

What happened was a blessing in disguise as he really was a lazy user.
He is still alone.

The comment about her having a US passport but from somewhere else reminds me of another scam a woman played on a friend of mine. She claimed she was a US citizen and lived there and even showed a US passport which was fake. Turns out she was really living in the Philippines.

See a solicitor asap.

You are going to be absolutely fine, and eventually even grateful that this has happened. This will end up being the biggest blessing of your life. You don't want a life without a proper partner, someone who pulls their weight and actually supports you, or to have a life with someone who cheats and is always looking for someone else. It's better to be happy and confident and alone and then eventually find someone who treats you well and values you and helps you.

His 'relationship' with this woman is at best a fantasy and at worst a scam. Even if they do genuinely think they like each other, they don't know each other. When reality replaces fantasy this will be over for them. And as someone with a non-British DH, good luck to him getting her over here 😂 It's unbelievably difficult and expensive these days, and it doesn't sound like he's very competent or hardworking to complete the process. It's not going to happen for them - and that's IF they survive the strains of long-distance (which even well-established and loving couples struggle with! And these guys are an internet relationship and have never even met 🙄).

And remember, this is the best case scenario, assuming it isn't all a scam!

Well done for telling him where to go. Whenever you have a moment of weakness, imagine this was happening to one of your children, with them in your position and a future partner behaving like your husband. What would you say to them, and what would you want them to do? Most importantly - do you want them to see your strength and courage to move on and rebuild your life and respect yourself, and so learn this for themselves? Or do you want them to see you endlessly taking a cheating, disrespectful idiot back time and time again, and so learning this behaviour is normal, and repeating it when they eventually grow and have their own partners?

Find a good solicitor. Don't have pity on him. Take what is yours and rebuild your life with your children. If you have a moment of weakness, call your best friend or come on here for a rant, get it off your chest.

Good luck OP! Onwards and upwards

@Calmdown14

You could seek legal advice but play along with the DIY divorce option. I.e do not let him know you have seen a solicitor. You need to know exactly where you stand but as the main breadwinner perhaps have more in the way of pension etc? The guilt and desperation for him to be free for this new (imaginary) woman could work to your advantage. It might be wise to strike before he comes to his senses

Also, THIS

OP, he’s probably changed his mind because Onlyfans has announced they’ll stop providing/allowing sexual content. So he hasn’t got another woman to provide for him. DO NOT… I Repeat DO NOT take him back!!!

Get a family law solicitor ASAP. You need to check your SAHD husband cannot claim any of your money - or at least as little as possible - for doing so little when it comes to the family and the household. That’s what set alarm bells ringing when I read your post.

The woman (or man!) online probably read what he said about being SAHD and you being the breadwinner and thought, kerching! “Money making opportunity right here!”

You’re better off being rid of him ASAP as are the kids. He’s not going to improve or turn over a new leaf. Having him out of their lives when they’re younger is healthier for them than having him around till they are old enough to copy his bad habits and pick up on the horrid way he treats you and either get upset by it or start to copy it. Having seen many dysfunctional relationships break down among friends, relations and colleagues, it’s far healthier for the kids if he is out of their home sooner rather than later. This guy is not a good father, as well as being a horrid husband.