Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

I mean, to be fair, there’s plenty of people here who refer to women as a homogenous group based on their own views.

I would love to see examples of that. Can you provide?

I'd find it all very unsexy and would give me the ick.

Sorry.

Maybe it's not too late if you pull back a lot and give him space. Basically you are not his mother. He is not your partner but a boyfriend. You won't ever get to partner status by forcing it. It has to evolve

I think your inadvertently trying too hard.
You don't have to be Miss Perfect, that's actually quite boring .
I would never clean up after a man, not if he had his own place especially. I do enough of that here.
I would try and focus more on yourself, don't make it all about them. Still maintain your own interests and still meet up with your friends, so that when you meet someone they enhance your life but don't become the be all and end all.
Men like a challenge, not a doormat.

Classic codependency. Jo Westwood on Instagram is amazing. I recommend checking her out.

And no, I would not find these traits attractive. I want an independent partner not a lap dog or parent.

Men respond best to diffidence and a little neglect.

What utter bollocks

It's way too much OP, I would find it very intrusive if someone in a reasonably newish relationship started cleaning my house or sending my family presents without discussing it with me, however kindly meant.

Sorry but altogether it's very stifling and feels like it's all for your own pleasure, rather than caring about what the partner wants as an individual.

Reminds me a bit of an aunt who got a lot of enjoyment from giving presents. So she would basically wrap up any old junk and you'd have to feign delight for her benefit. I didn't care about the presents at all but it felt a bit annoying that as kids we had to indulge her in that way. Of course now I look back and smile but I would not be sticking around to indulge a partner in the same way (not saying your presents are junk!). Especially no6. What if your partner is busy, tired or wants space? Why does your need for contact at that particular time override that to the point where you're making things unpleasant or irritating by being passive aggressive?

@speakout there are countless examples of opinions representing men or women as a whole.

Poster two posts up. "Men like a challenge". I don't share the same opinion that all men do. I'm not offended by the generalisation and wouldn't accuse the poster of believing that she was a representative of all men. I don't understand folks that misinterpret this kind of thing.

Was merely tryjng to say that I don't think all men are the same 🤷‍♂️

I think you’ve heard enough about why this behaviour is bad, but I would say one positive is that it sounds like you’re probably going for quite good guys in the first place. God knows there are enough threads on here from needy women in much more precarious financial situations than you who, by six or seven months in, would have some awful nutcase living in their house and probably be pregnant by him or at least planning on it.

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to say that you sound ‘thoughtful or kind’ though - you’re being neither, and you do seem to know that.

Perhaps some of this generosity and effort at commitment life partner stage much later in the relationship if it were fully reciprocated, OP.

One question - what level of commitment and reciprocated effort would you expect the right life partner to make, OP?

@speakout

BasicDad

You do realise this is web site for women?

No it’s not, that’s really rude, you can’t try to frighten and bully people off. Irrelevant of the name the site welcomes everyone.

@speakout

BasicDad

You do realise this is web site for women?

No, you're going too far now.

@speakout

It's not a website exclusively for women.

You're being needlessly hostile to one poster.

@speakout

BasicDad

You do realise this is web site for women?

I always thought it was by parents, for parents.

Anyway, apologies OP. Don't want to derail your thread. I just wanted to say, that unless you think it's a problem, then carrying on being you.

@BasicDad

You didn't do anything wrong - you basically said 'not all men think the same way as each other' and then someone had a go at you for claiming to speak for all men... the opposite of what you did. Very odd.

And ssh don't tell the thread police but while I am a woman, I'm not even a parent! The nerve of me being on an open discussion forum

OP, that sounds like anxious attachment style to me. And for many people, me included, these behaviours would feel a little smothering and over the top. I know it comes naturally to you, but it might not always be healthy and it might just be worth it to explore in therapy.

You turn into their mother at the six month stage.

This is a defence on your part.

You sound lovely but too over keen. If the sexes were reversed in mn style you may be accused of love bombing!

Try taking a step back, even though it might feel uncomfortable. Let them do the chasing.

Your weekend plan (calling by, leaving a bottle of wine) is like a toddler jumping up and down and banging saucepans together when mummy is on the phone.

You sound a bit full on, if you don’t mind me saying
It will stifle a natural forming relationship, pull back and do less
Try to be less controlling and pushy it’s all too much

The positive thing I took from your post was how amazingly self aware you are! It's a great start and the first step to changing your behaviour.

You don't realise how many people sleep walk through life and don't realise where they're going wrong (me!)

Why not spend some time speaking to a counsellor about the points in your OP?

@speakout

BasicDad

You do realise this is web site for women?

Jesus Christ, give it a rest.

Men are allowed to post here, just like women without children are allowed to post here. If you don't like what he has to say just ignore and move on, you're not the thread police.

OP, genuinely, how would you feel if, a few months in to a new relationship, a guy started regularly cleaning your house and cooking meals for you, insisted on travelling to yours all the time, kept sending you cards and gifts to ‘show he was thinking of you’, got panicky and sent PA texts if you didn’t reply to him within some specified time, sent weekly emails with photos of you to say ‘missing you’, sent presents to your family members, and kept entire evenings free in case you were able to talk on the phone?

Would you be thrilled or feel suffocated and wonder whether this man had any life apart from you?

@Msanlst
Have you posted about this before OP?

A lot of this isn't sustainable long term. Doing all the cleaning, cooking, constant gifts, sending him photos of yourself when he's away (cringe), pandering to him all the time, always on hand to be a listening ear if he wants to offload, insisting on doing all the driving, paying for everything..making him the centre of your world.

It's not going to work long term. The phrase Making a rod for your own back springs to mind!