Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

Hi OP, you're clearly quite analytical and self-aware. Have you reflected on how you'd feel if someone did all the things you've listed on the thread for you? Sometimes people give what they themselves desperately want to receive. Could it be that? Or something else?

I've always found 'treat them mean to keep them keen' works well. Obviously, not too mean, but enough that they need to work to get your attention.

@Sightlinesandsolutions

Hi OP, you're clearly quite analytical and self-aware. Have you reflected on how you'd feel if someone did all the things you've listed on the thread for you? Sometimes people give what they themselves desperately want to receive. Could it be that? Or something else?

@Sightlinesandsolutions someone did do these things for me once and it put me off them a lot eventually. I felt like he couldn’t be without me and that I couldn’t miss him. I didn’t get to enjoy the sense of missing him because he was always present in some way.

So I’ve no idea why I’ve let myself do this with this man, knowing the impact it had on me

Msanlst

I used to feel like you- I do understand- truly.

The secret is to love yourself first and foremost.
Step back. Invest energy in yourself.

Most men find a woman who has found self love appealing.
Flies to a honey pot.

None of this seems to be about him to me. It all seems to be about you, and how desperate you are to be settle down with someone - anyone - that it doesn’t matter who it is.

You get to a certain point where you’ve decided that they must be serious enough about things and then a switch flips and off you go - “look, I would be excellent wife material, keep me, please, I’ll do anything”.

And then you analyse and obsess over every tiny interaction or potential interaction and whether it will or will not increase your chances of keeping him (whichever him it is).

Not one word of this post has been about what about this particular man is so wonderful, only that you are desperate not to lose him, like he’s a purse or a really good pen.

I do think that as others have suggested therapy would really help you. It’s ok to want to be settle with someone. But that person needs to want you for you, and you need to be secure in who you are so that you can allow that to develop in its own time (or not as the case may be).

In the meantime, just back off a bit. Don’t clean other people's houses, or buy him random things so often as a way to keep yourself at the forefront of his mind. Just……..leave him alone a bit and go back to the real you.

CoastalSwimmer
I've always found 'treat them mean to keep them keen' works well. Obviously, not too mean, but enough that they need to work to get your attention.
Totally agree.

Oh, and, he’s not taking you for granted. As someone else said: he doesn’t want or need the things you are doing so he’s running out of gratitude because it’s starting to feel wearing would be my guess.

Don't suppose you're gay and up north? That would be fine for me :)

First, please stop panicking. You haven't necessarily "ruined" everything.

Is it possible that after about six months you may start to really care about someone, and the fear of them leaving gets stronger? Hence your personality change from easy-going to a bit much, perhaps?

Or could it be post-honeymoon anxiety? The initial thrill has worn off, you're no longer completely all over each other and things are settling down into something more everyday. It's easy to misinterpret this (normal) phase as someone pulling away, even if they're not.

A few weeks ago when I noticed what I was doing I read a book called why men love bitches. The whole dynamic between us shifted almost overnight. Then I felt like I was playing a game so I stopped and went back to the soppy over the top and clingy me.

someone did do these things for me once and it put me off them a lot eventually. I felt like he couldn’t be without me and that I couldn’t miss him. I didn’t get to enjoy the sense of missing him because he was always present in some way.
Then it's mystifying why you continue to impose this stuff on other people and expect them to respond differently. Really odd.
What's that about?

@MarisPiper92

First, please stop panicking. You haven't necessarily "ruined" everything.

Is it possible that after about six months you may start to really care about someone, and the fear of them leaving gets stronger? Hence your personality change from easy-going to a bit much, perhaps?

Or could it be post-honeymoon anxiety? The initial thrill has worn off, you're no longer completely all over each other and things are settling down into something more everyday. It's easy to misinterpret this (normal) phase as someone pulling away, even if they're not.

@MarisPiper92 yes it’s because I’ve fallen for him a bit. We’ve said we love each other. I don’t want to lose him now I’m never like this when I’m not that invested. I can be quite funny and sharp and attractive. That’s how I seem to reel them in… and that’s not me being manipulative that is part of who I am, I just lose it after a few months as I feel scared of being abandoned. Which is one thing I actually can’t prevent yet I try and try to avoid.

@GreyhoundG1rl

someone did do these things for me once and it put me off them a lot eventually. I felt like he couldn’t be without me and that I couldn’t miss him. I didn’t get to enjoy the sense of missing him because he was always present in some way. Then it's mystifying why you continue to impose this stuff on other people and expect them to respond differently. Really odd. What's that about?

@GreyhoundG1rl I wish I knew. I’m just a bit messed up with this stuff I guess. I get very anxious

I actually stopped reading the list as I thought it was a joke

Sorry OP but I'd really find that type of behaviour odd and smothering. Cleaning someone's house?! Why? Why would you do that?

Then I felt like I was playing a game yes- because it was not authentic.
I think suggestions of therapy are very useful.

You are struggling, but the answer is not found within a man.

OP I used to be like you and what worked was to tell myself that he could leave me tomorrow and I wouldn’t care. That pushes the dial back a bit

Also when doing stuff - do you want to do it or is your overriding emotion fear of abandonment?

When you give up an evening - is it because you want to see them or because you’re scared they’ll leave If they don’t?

Start putting YOURSELF first.

Also to add - telling yourself you’ve tried your best and being ok with a plan B worked wonders for being anxious. Anxiety stems from being afraid of losing the person so to remove that fearzzz

I think you should step away from this thread now OP, you’ve been given some honest feedback and are very brave to open up like this. The fact that you’re now feeling anxious and a bit panicky tells me it’s definitely time to step away. You’ve been doing some lovely, thoughtful things but you’ve realised it’s coming on a bit too strong so just reel it in a bit. Don’t clean up at his place- he’s not looking for a mother or someone who thinks he’s a messy person. Cooking for him at his - only if it’s been pre agreed and he’d love that idea, once in an absolute blue moon. Don’t send so many miss you emails, give him a chance to miss you. I’m glad you’ve found someone decent, I’m sure he likes you for you. And breathe :) I’m sure he isn’t perfect either. Where’s the focus on that? Just remember he isn’t perfect and nor are you. If he really does like you he will hang around. Take care

@TractorAndHeadphones

OP I used to be like you and what worked was to tell myself that he could leave me tomorrow and I wouldn’t care. That pushes the dial back a bit

Also when doing stuff - do you want to do it or is your overriding emotion fear of abandonment?

When you give up an evening - is it because you want to see them or because you’re scared they’ll leave If they don’t?

Start putting YOURSELF first.

@TractorAndHeadphones id say 20% of the time it’s what I want to do and the rest is because I feel anxious or worried about the relationship. I wish I could go a week not doing any of these things and feel confident he would still want me. I don’t feel like that so I do things to ease the anxiety but I often don’t truly want to be doing them. Do I want to go twenty mins out of my way tomorrow to drop wine off? Yes because I will feel more secure afterwards but if I felt secure anyway I wouldn’t be arsed doing something like that, it’s a pain. I feel embarrassed reading this thread back. I think I’m going to step right back here and for a few days at the very least do my best to put him out of my mind entirely and get on with my own stuff. I can’t believe I’ve got myself into this situation.

Thank you @Vallmo47 x

As a therapist, I would echo the PPs who are suggesting therapy. Not so much to relate better to partners but to find out who you really are under the maladaptive behaviours you've developed out of some misplaced idea that you're not good enough or that you, or your life, has to live up to some kind of ideal.

^^ this is spot on.
Who are you really ? It seems like there's several versions of you - the first 6 months, the clingy you and the real you. You want your partner to know and love the real you which includes your faults too.

The behaviour you describe is not appealing at all and it's no surprise that things repeatedly go wrong at the same point. Some of the behaviour makes me think if animals pissing to mark their territory- you should tidy up if you go round but a lot of the behaviour is "don't forget about meeeeee" which is intense. Give the man a chance to miss you and only buy treats for a man who does the same.

Man here. Just like women, there's a broad range of what we like and don't.

I quite like the smootheringly over affectionate and over attentive. It's cute most of the time. I don't really want a submissive slave though, as I like my women strongly opinionated, firey and can look after themselves.

If it's who you are, why change? Just make sure you find someone that loves and appreciates the shit out of you for everything you bring to the relationship, and that it's not one way.

I quite like the smootheringly over affectionate and over attentive. It's cute most of the time. I don't really want a submissive slave though, as I like my women strongly opinionated, firey and can look after themselves.
Really? Do you often find both of those in the same package?

You haven’t messed it up and it’s good you’ve realised what it is you do that’s a bit suffocating. Some couples are like that which is fine but this feels different.
I’ve been like this when I was younger and without a doubt it was rooted in fear of being left and as you have also identified, they need chances to miss you. Make yourself step back, he can’t read your thoughts, he doesn’t know you’re obsessing so you can change your behaviours.

Man here. Just like women, there's a broad range of what we like and don't.

Here we go............

Some mansplaining.

BasicDad you can't assume to speak on behalf of all men, nor to give us ladies some insider knowledge.
Back off little boy.