Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

You would scare me. Sorry OP.

I felt smothered just reading it. Sorry OP.

I was you, to a lesser extreme a few years ago. This came from having a Mum who didn't truly love me and the need to be loved and adored. I lost both parents and then found myself alone, so desired that more.

I found in relationships that I upped my game to presents, cleaning etc and looking back this was when I knew I wasn't right for them and felt them pulling back.

The best thing I did, was take a full year off dating. I wrote a list of what I was looking for, read mumsnet...a lot and realised that I could actually survive if I was alone! This was a game changer.

I've been single 18 months now, Ive had dates and decided that there was no spark and it's ok to turn men down despite what they wish. This is your life and you deserve someone whose right for you.

But maybe you're like me and pulling away triggers something inside you that means that you try and hang on, when realistically you should just let them go. That's just a case of reading your gut instinct. You should always trust that! Be true to yourself.

But do read "Why men love bitches", which is basically about being your own person, having hobbies and going out with friends and making them wait.

This life lesson is tough, you're re-wiring your brain to put yourself first. But you can do it. You will have your ups and downs, will slip up. But from all this, it's ok to be selfish with your needs and wants. God luck.

Although not a perfect fit I would recommend:

The codependency recovery blueprint

You may be able to work out why you do what you do and why you keep repeating it.

Good luck Op

Cut number 6 and then will you marry me please?

I agree with @lumpwoody

"Some of those would be too much for me.

In particular 3,4,5,6,8,9."

I would send gifts to my future in-laws but it took much longer than six months to get to that stage.

You sound like a lovely person but I would find most of this behaviour overwhelming, especially like others have said with it being such a drastic change from the person they thought they talking to initially.

You'd have thought BasicDad got enough of a battering on the "random comments man" thread to have learned his lesson about "Man Here" but NO! He's back!

You're suffocating me just reading that OP. And you really need to pull yourself together and just stop. It's perfectly within your control to do so.

I can't help but think about a reversal of the sexes. Can you imagine a man stating he was doing all these things? It's bordering on stalking tbh and I'd be afraid to be in a relationship with you. Your issues shouldn't be foisted on to him in this way.

Just leave the poor man alone. You acting in this way is not going to endear you to him.

Sorry to sound harsh but really ... please, if you like him like you quite clearly appear to, you'll stop

Hi OP

You have asked many times if you have blown it with this guy.
I would guess no - He has said he loves you, he hasn't pushed back explicitly, and you have only been doing this a few weeks..... so that sounds totally recoverable.

But I do think you have to stop doing this now to avoid the relationship going south.

That Doesn't mean you have to start playing games and acting like a 'bitch'.... it means you have to recognize these behaviours for what they are - not the 'true you', but anxiety driving self-sabotaging behaviours. Hold yourself back from surrendering to it.

You know in the past this has pushed people away, you are doing it now and he is already pulling away, yet you say you do it to be more secure.... Doing these things makes you less secure (unless you actually would feel more secure by being alone).... there is a whole lot going on here for you to unpack.

Good luck!

Only point 1 and 7 don’t put me off you.

Every other point is either too needy, a red flag, offering too much too soon, the good career/wanting to spend more on gifts and occasions is really off putting. It sounds almost competitive, my DP when I first met him would buy me expensive designer things for every occasion and there was no way I could or would afford to do the same for him, it left me feeling a bit deflated like we’re on different levels and constantly feeling like I can’t live up to his lifestyle or expectations. - after explaining this we now are on the same level of celebrating/gift giving and usually get something sentimental and meaningful rather than branded and showy.

The passive aggressive texts are a massive red flag and would have me running for the hills.

The email with photos of us and a ‘i miss you’ unless we’ve been apart for more than 2 weeks then that’s just too much.

The post cards and gifts out of the blue, similar to my above comment of feeling like I’d have to match or compete with that. Once in a blue moon if there’s something they want that they’ve mentioned then fine. But random gifts every so often is exhausting.

Obviously this is all my personal opinion; and I’d even take what I say with a pinch of salt as I’m really not very ‘lovey dovey’ at all, I despise PDA’s, soppy public posts etc. But I know that some people like it, and need to to feel intimate in their relationship which is fine.

You just need to find the right person for you, and maybe tone it down a tiny bit.. especially the passive aggressive texts as that’s not something that can be justified.

I am a lovely woman and if I was in a relationship with you I'd be walking all over you by 9 months.

Men apparently like the chase.
You should be glad that your relationships are failing and you haven't been trapped by a cock-lodger or even worse as a step-mother to a cock-lodgers children.

Go do lots of therapy, you sound wonderful and you can be that person you want to be

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

I would find this intrusive just six months in. It would feel as if I didn't have any privacy.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

This would make me feel uncomfortable. I'd feel as if I had to reciprocate and be in neverending chains of gifts. And I don't really like surprise trips. I'd much rather plan it together and go halves on the cost.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

Clingy and needy

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

Clingy and needy. You wouldn't have to give up an entire evening to speak to me. I much prefer just a quick message

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

This is fine, apart from "make a difference to their home". What does that involve, exactly?

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

This is probably the worst on the list

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

This sounds all right, but sometimes people need to be told when they're in the wrong, and I wonder if perhaps you don't do that in case you fall out of favour.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

Again, this is clingy and needy and would make me feel I had to do it back. I suppose it depends how often you're doing it - the occasional thoughtful gift is one thing, but you are probably going way OTT

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

I think a few months in is still too soon to be doing this behind your boyfriend's back.

For me, this would be a massive turn off, and as you suddenly start doing all this a few months in, having previously been carefree and easygoing I'd wonder what other changes were lying ahead. But I think some men would like some of the things on the list. Definitely not passive aggressive messages - ditch them. Nobody can say if you've ruined it with your current bloke or not. He might hate it, or he might like it, especially if he's insecure. And it will also depend on how hot you and he are. If he's not very good looking, and struggles to attract women, he'll probably put up with more than if he has his pick of women. If you're very pretty and he's really attracted to you, then he'll be more forgiving.

@BadLad your how hot you are comments really bother me.

[quote Lumpwoody]@BadLad your how hot you are comments really bother me.[/quote]
Why? It’s like people can’t stomach the truth. The reality is in a new relationship if your partner finds you really hot/attractive they will often put up with a bit more for a bit longer. However if they are with you more based solely on your personality fhen it’s highly unlikely when your behaviour turns obsessive/clingy/stalkerish they will.

It’s alien to how I think and objectifying.

Can you stop yourself? If you can sense that you're hitting the wrong note with a new partner are you able to recognise and adjust your behaviour?

It's difficult because all of the things are superficially nice and kind but I know I would hate them and I'm sure you find that hard to understand. The cleaning I would see your way to 'legitimately' look at things in my house especially early on in a relationship. The endless messages/emails would be irritating especially if I had a job and a social life as well as a relationship. I would never want to spend the whole evening on the phone with anyone. I absolutely loathe it.

Relationships function with give and take. I'm sure that you put up with a lot from men whilst giving everything of yourself.

You sound like you mother your men, been there and had to change.

I'm in a minority but none of your points would smother me apart from 6. You sounds like a great partner.

No I wouldn't you sound a bit needy in the nicest way possible.

I would not give up an evening speak to someone. I hate talking on the phone at the best of times. It just bores me.

The emailed photos would be a bit for me.

And the passive aggressive texts. No thank you.

@Annabellerina

Too much for me, I'd feel smothered.

This.

Take it steady, no rush, let them do some of the grafting too so you can see if the effort is reciprocated.

[quote Lumpwoody]@BadLad your how hot you are comments really bother me.[/quote]
I think they're true. If you disagree, that's up to you.

Evelyn, from play misty for me. Is this you??

@BadLad I didn’t say they weren’t true?

Look up anxious attachment, not sure if anyone else has suggested it but I think some of it will sound very familiar to you Op

Yes I agree with others saying this would be smothering and seem too needy.

You are putting yourself in the role of the partner of secondary importance in the relationship i.e.subservient to the man. Some men might like that but they will also start to see you as secondary rather than an equal. Respect and regard for you will start to erode and complacency sets in - that is probably the pulling away you feel.

Act more like you deserve to be considered an equal (I don't mean "be a bitch") and the dynamic hopefully stays healthy.

Women are not put in the earth to serve men!