Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

I wouldn't like weekly emails and postcards, never mind passive aggressive messages. Dial it back a bit, OP

I would run a fucking mile. You sound like a stalker. You need a life outside your partner, I would think you didn’t really have much sense of self.

Sorry OP just half of this would drive me away. In fact I had a friend who did some of these things and I found it so suffocating that I had to distance myself.

Agree that therapy is the way to go. I'd also consciously stop yourself doing anything on that list for a while at least to give the bf a break.

I must be mad cos all of this just sounds like nice sweet considerate behaviour in a relationship. I'm astonished by everyone saying it is too much, smothering etc. What do people do in a relationshiip if you don't see each other regularly, put each other first, and enjoy doing nice things for each other? I'd say I was getting it wrong but I'm in a 15 year happy relationship so we both must be mad or something.

This all sounds exhausting Op, you seem to be trying to act a part and its not sustainable.

Your level of spending isn't sustainable either ; frequent gifts, holidays, lavish occasions, paying for everything, surprise nights in hotels ..

I know you say you have a well paid job but that money could be put to better use, a deposit on a property or securing your future.

You sound like an intelligent woman but this is just daft.

@SmileyClare

This all sounds exhausting Op, you seem to be trying to act a part and its not sustainable.

Your level of spending isn't sustainable either ; frequent gifts, holidays, lavish occasions, paying for everything, surprise nights in hotels ..

I know you say you have a well paid job but that money could be put to better use, a deposit on a property or securing your future.

You sound like an intelligent woman but this is just daft.

@SmileyClare I’m not that daft, I own my home with no mortgage! It’s just relationships where I’m a bit crazy. The job and finances all ok…I think…

@GrumpyTerrier

I must be mad cos all of this just sounds like nice sweet considerate behaviour in a relationship. I'm astonished by everyone saying it is too much, smothering etc. What do people do in a relationshiip if you don't see each other regularly, put each other first, and enjoy doing nice things for each other? I'd say I was getting it wrong but I'm in a 15 year happy relationship so we both must be mad or something.

This isn't mirrored or balanced though is it? OP is doing all these things, senses it makes her boyfriend pull away but is finding it hard to stop and feel constantly anxious and stressed.

Different to a well balanced couple who both do similar things for one another.

Really? Do you often find both of those in the same package? @GreyhoundG1rl

Wouldn't say often, but it exists. And there's men out there that will not take the piss, appreciate it all and reciprocate.

Going against the grain here (and having read only the first page) I would say you sound lovely, giving, and confident. Kindness is not weakness and you should be your authentic self in relationships.

@speakout

Man here. Just like women, there's a broad range of what we like and don't.

Here we go............

Some mansplaining.

BasicDad you can't assume to speak on behalf of all men, nor to give us ladies some insider knowledge.
Back off little boy.

You're a charmer.

I would think you didn’t really have much sense of self.
Yes, that's the essence of it, really.

Thanks @BasicDad that’s nice to hear :)

Gosh I feel awful saying this but you remind me of the movie ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days’.

You need to let them miss you!!

@BasicDad

Man here. Just like women, there's a broad range of what we like and don't.

I quite like the smootheringly over affectionate and over attentive. It's cute most of the time. I don't really want a submissive slave though, as I like my women strongly opinionated, firey and can look after themselves.

If it's who you are, why change? Just make sure you find someone that loves and appreciates the shit out of you for everything you bring to the relationship, and that it's not one way.

Ick.

But it's not BasicDad you need to worry about, op. Your current partner is backing away, you need to address what's actually happening.
Sorry, BasicDad, nothing personal!

BasicDad

How can you promote yourself to spokesperson for men?

Man here

It's actually quite creepy.

Fair enough Op, you're clearly minted

I'll try to salvage my point by saying ..something's off about throwing so much money at a partner you've only known a short time, paying for everything, constantly "buying" his affection or loyalty almost?

Throwing money at a problem in life usually works but not in the case of starting a relationship.

Can your partner afford to reciprocate with grand expensive gestures? It seems very unbalanced, you could be rinsed for your money, perhaps he feels emasculated, or feels indebted to you?

You may well find you're more insecure because you don't know if he likes you or the money you throw around.

How can you promote yourself to spokesperson for men?
That's hardly what he was doing.

I think what comes across from your posts is how thoughtful and kind you are. Have you had a thought about your love languages? Maybe your love language is doing acts of service or you need affirmations from your partner. I agree with the previous posters that it would be good to discuss this with a therapist to help ease your anxiety around relationships.
For now, I would step back with the cleaning. If it really bothered your partner, they would clean it themselves or hire someone. Maybe try making plans with other friends, family and practice self care for yourself. Small changes could be working from your home instead of his or the office. Your partner should be a welcome addition to your life, not the centre of your life. The centre of your life, should be you! Maybe try a new hobby, a class, or you could try a sport to help reduce your anxiety.

try chilling... never send more than 1 text a day

If it's who you are, why change?.It's cute Oh gawd

Op has already said She's not being herself, she's insecure, panics about not being in touch, sends passive aggressive texts and is plagued by anxiety and abandonment issues?

I wouldn't advise trying to find a man who purposefully seeks out insecure women.

Greyhound
How can you promote yourself to spokesperson for men?
That's hardly what he was doing.

He was totally.
there's range of what we like and don't

What "we" like? Who is he to assume representation?

there's range of what we like and don't
I missed that...

Is this the plot to the sequel of the film 'How to lose a guy in 10 day' or 6 months this time?

@speakout

*Greyhound How can you promote yourself to spokesperson for men? That's hardly what he was doing.*

He was totally.
there's range of what we like and don't

What "we" like? Who is he to assume representation?

I mean, to be fair, there’s plenty of people here who refer to women as a homogenous group based on their own views.