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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

348 replies

Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:44

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 19/08/2021 13:38

‘Shall we take the railway handcar to the pub today?’
‘No it’s a fucking stupid method of transport and it hurts my back’

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

SunShinesBrightly · 19/08/2021 13:38

Xpost Sheldock !

rothbury · 19/08/2021 13:39

I am really concerned about why you don't feel able to say you aren't going in the car again as it hurts your back.

From what you say he is a totally selfish arse who doesn't give a shit about you.

MaryAndTheWeeDonkey · 19/08/2021 13:40

@Rootvegseason

Haha fair enough *@DifficultBloodyWoman* but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

I knew you were going to say VW Campervan. They are bloody uncomfortable in the back. It's why I always drive.

Has it been lowered, as this makes the suspension almost non-existent. Maybe suggest to him that he changes the suspension for softer, so that the jarring is nowhere near as bad. When I bought mine, it was the first thing I did as it crashed from one pothole to the next.

He can also make sure there is sufficient air in the tyres. Too much and it will be uncomfortable in the back.

Seats can be improved too.

Also, he should slow down on country roads. My camper only does this if we're going too fast.

I assume it is a Type1, as they have the worst suspension.

If he is that passionate about it and wants you to join him, then he should be happy to spend a couple of hundred quid to sort the suspension.

Do you drive? If you do, get him to sit in the back - he'll soon sort it out.

In short, it doesn't have to be so uncomfortable - it can be sorted.

BackInBlackAgain · 19/08/2021 13:41

OP you need to stop going in it. I have a bad back too and sometimes walking is agony, if DP suggested walking up Mount Snowdon i would think he has lost the plot and let him go on his merry way.

Next time your DH says "ooh lets go our for lunch at a nice pub" you say "ok, but we go in the car", if he objects you tell him straight that your back hurts too much to be flung around in his hobby cart.

It needs to be a solo hobby, dont endanger yourself further by letting him get his own way.

RosesandPumpkins · 19/08/2021 13:42

You don’t need to be in the back ffs. He needs to find a person who wants to go for drives!

MistyFrequencies · 19/08/2021 13:43

Playing devil's advocate here but if my husband told me the campervan hurt his back but kept getting in it I would 100% think it didn't really hurt his back that much and maybe he just liked to whinge because surely if it hurt that much he wouldn't get in it. So maybe your husband thinks the same?

Notradespeopleareavailable · 19/08/2021 13:45

Sometimes I despair with people like OP who won't do anything to help herself.

OP, are you actually seeking advice from us or do you just want to sound off about your darling partner?

If you can't bring yourself to say anything directly to him why not just show him this thread so he can get the idea?

Imissmybum · 19/08/2021 13:48

Just re-reading the op to ensure I haven't missed anything. So the question was 'how would you approach this?' Majority of responses are 'i wouldn't get in again'. Does that do you op?

Tal45 · 19/08/2021 13:48

He's listening to what you say OP but he's not hearing you. He sounds like he's a bit of a misogynist to me, he thinks you're a woman so you're bound to be over dramatising your pain which probably really isn't that bad and certainly wouldn't be a problem for him if he had it. I find many men have this view that women 'make a fuss' about things - and until they experience it for themselves they really can't believe it. It may also be that he doesn't want to hear you - his hobby is ultimately more important than you are.

I think you need to discuss this away from when it actually arises. Tell him that riding in the car is hurting you back and you don't feel safe. You don't feel that he cares about your feelings and it seems like he prioritises his hobby over you and your child. It sounds like you might struggle to speak up or assert yourself though? If he is a poor listener I'm guessing there's every chance he's also a poor communicator? Is communication an issue in the relationship?

icedcoffees · 19/08/2021 13:48

Hi OP - I also have a chronically bad back - you really do need to be firm with him. People who don't have chronic pain often don't understand what it's like.

I've had to be really firm with DH when he says "let's do X" as at first, he really didn't understand how much pain it left me in. I would sit him down when he's not all enthused about the car and tell him, straight out, that riding in his car causes you immense pain and stiffness and that you can't physically do it anymore.

If you keep getting in, in the nicest way, why would he believe you? I his mind, it can't be that bad if you keep doing it. You need to stand up for yourself.

senua · 19/08/2021 13:52

Also, (and I hate to say this), if you say you don’t want to go but then end up going anyway, he won’t take your back pain seriously because you can ‘obviously’ put up with it when you want to. Say no. And mean it!
This, absolutely.
Sell the campervan (they are fetching ridiculous amounts at the moment) and get something else retro (if he must) but more comfortable.

Beautiful3 · 19/08/2021 13:52

Don't go in his car anymore. Problem solved.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 19/08/2021 13:57

Am I the only one who read the OPs first post and thought it was sex related ?

Janek · 19/08/2021 13:57

Forgive my ignorance, but are you and your DC even belted in if you're in the back of a camper van? What is the seatbelt situation?

cabingirl · 19/08/2021 13:58

I think one of the problems is that as you keep getting in the car with him he doesn't really believe you that it is so painful because I assume if something were to cause him that much pain he would not do it.

When I said don't get in the car in my post earlier I wasn't trying to be flippant or rude, it really is the only answer.

If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't let him persuade you to go for a nice hike in the countryside as he didn't think it would be too bad, would you?

You have an injury that does not allow you to travel in cars without suspension. Ever.

You can tell him how sad it makes you that you can't share his hobby or passion for this car in just this one particular way - getting in it.

You can still admire the car, talk about the car, give him time, space and budget for the car - these are all ways you can share the hobby but
you CANNOT travel in the car.

Bluesheep8 · 19/08/2021 13:58

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

I was going to ask why on earth you're in the back, then saw your update about it being a campervan and still need yo ask why on earth you're being flung around in the back?
Wouldn't sitting in the front seat with a seatbelt on be more sensible?

MiaAnnabell3 · 19/08/2021 13:59

He's not hurting you at all.

That's like me straining my back at work and saying my boss keeps hurting me.

Tell him you can't join him anymore as it causes you pain.

aerosocks · 19/08/2021 13:59

You drive. Find every speed hump, sharp corner and pothole you can. See how he likes being thrown around in the back then.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/08/2021 13:59

I hesitate to say 'you need to grow a backbone' OP but...

You need to stand up for yourself. No-one else will. Be your own best carer and advocate. Just as you would be for your child.

You might hope that a partner who loves you would be the person who cares for advocates for you. It's not that simple though, is it. You're not a child, you can't expect him to treat you like one. Adults expect other adults to speak up for themselves, to express their needs and wishes clearly. Failing to speak up for yourself, to say what you want and don't want, actually puts other adults in really awkward positions and for that reason, is really bad manners. It's very passive aggressive to suffer in silence than complain or resent someone afterwards. Very unfair on the person you're doing it to.

Speak up. Tell don't ask. Tell him what is going to happen and do that. He'll get used to it.

Fizzbangwallop · 19/08/2021 13:59

@Rootvegseason your DP sounds very uncaring if he doesn’t bother about his stupid car aggravating your bad back. The only way to solve this is to completely refuse to EVER even get into the vintage vehicle at any time. He isn’t going to listen to you until you say no. Don’t argue or get upset just a clear ‘no, I’m not getting in that car again because it hurts my back’.

My DH changed his car to one that takes my wheelchair when I became too disabled to walk. Sorry to sound blunt, but it doesn’t sound like your DP is capable of doing the same. Is he generally nice towards you?

MyOtherProfile · 19/08/2021 14:00

Honestly you just need to say you're glad he has a hobby he loves but it's not working for you so you'll happily just wave him off as he goes. It really doesn't need to be a big drama.

Do you have another car you can go out for lunch in? If so next time he suggests an outing say yes great, let's take the Renault (other cars are available).

Shellingbynight · 19/08/2021 14:01

You ask how you can make him see how painful it is to you. The answer is by telling him, and then reinforcing that by not getting in the car. Your words need to match your deeds. If continue to go with him, he won't take you seriously - because you're not really taking it seriously yourself. It's your choice whether you get in the car or not.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/08/2021 14:03

Oh and if declining to travel in his van means he splits up with you - then that was going to happen anyway. It can happen now, while your back is as it is, or later, after a lot more pain and resentment. You choose.

NowEvenBetter · 19/08/2021 14:04

‘No.’

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