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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

348 replies

Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:44

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

OP posts:
Sacreblue · 19/08/2021 13:21

@MotionActivatedDog

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine.

Worrying that you felt you had to ask not to do the hobby rather than just telling him you aren’t doing it.

I second this and also your title : DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

If it is ‘by accident’ it would have happened ‘by accident’ until you told him it was hurting you.

After that it is not ‘by accident’, he knows it’s hurting you and he continued so it is deliberate.

AbstractEim · 19/08/2021 13:21

I completely understand op. Bad backs are horrendously painful. My dh has had 4 slipped discs including L4 that was on the verge of needing emergency spinal surgery. Driving exacerbates it. Unless he can fit you a special cockpit style chair and enhance the suspension then say no. Tell him it’s excruciatingly painful, it’s not fun for you and you’ll end up needing surgery on your back. My dh loves sailing, I get seasick, I don’t go so he goes with a friend x

offyougotwantychops · 19/08/2021 13:24

He doesn't want o hear so he's not going too. Doesn't matter anyone says, he's not going to change his behaviour, so you have a choice:
Him: let's go to the pub
You: great but I'm not going in your Morris, it stinks, gives me backache and I'd rather cut my head off with a blunt spoon.
Him: oh okay, we'll take the Honda
Or he says
Him: hrumph, I'll take it slowly your back will be fine
You: no I'm not risking it. I could meet you there but I don't do vintage cars anymore, it's too comfortable and I'm not getting any younger
Him: totters off in a sulk muttering under his breath (being a twat in otherwords)

Other option:
Him: let's go to the pub
You: great, which car
Him: the morris
You: I'll meet you there, I just find it too uncomfortable.

Or
Him: let's go to the pub
You: which car?
Him: thought the Morris could do with a run, nice day roof down.
You: okay mr toad, but I'm driving, you get the bumps!

I get it OP as my dh loves his old cars, and I hate the bloody things. He does rallies etc but he does them with mates, I have done support car driving, and I have driven his old crates (hence knowing when you drive you don't get the bumping around as much!) but honestly old cars with non existent suspension make for a shitty time for the passenger (IMHO)!
If he's putting his wants and enjoyment above your well-being I think you need to question the relationship. If he is understanding of your position and happy for you to support him in other ways but not getting into the car, great. But if not, it's not okay for you to be getting hurt.

Thebookswereherfriends · 19/08/2021 13:25

I have a bad back and even going on country roads in a modern vehicle can be uncomfortable. I think you need to be blunt with your partner that driving in his vintage car causes you pain. If he wants to fanny about in it he’ll have to go alone.

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 13:26
  1. Aren't there seat belts in this vehicle?
  1. An innocent child should not be brought along (especially as, if as I suspect, DC isn't restrained at all let alone properly so could be hurled through the windscreen and die) or involved in that, so staying home with the DC is your reason not to go.
  1. All you have to do is say you're 'not interested' and he can go on his own. And you just stay home. It's really as simple as that. It's that simple. Just say NO. And stay home. What could be simpler? No one is forcing you to go, so you are doing this all to yourself (and your innocent poor DC).
starfishmummy · 19/08/2021 13:27

So as someone old enough to remember when all cars were 1960s models or older I would say that

being hurled around the back yelping as we hit potholes and crash over bridges and so on is more to do with his driving than the car. I know there's no seat belt but if he carries on crashi g over bridges and hitting potholes he will wreck the car.

But as another person has said, you might be better in the front, or you could refuse to go out with him until he stops driving like an idiot

SimonJT · 19/08/2021 13:27

Did he physically force you to get in the car and lock you in? If not, why did you choose to get in the car when you know it sets your back off?

Chikapu · 19/08/2021 13:28

How fast is he going that you're being hurled around?

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 13:29

Oh and if he cares about this vehicle and has any pride for it at all, he would have checked the suspension as a first priority. So he doesn't seem to really care as much about his hobby as you make out, at least he doesn't seem to have any pride in his workmanship of his hobby.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/08/2021 13:29

OP, this isn’t outing. You have described about 70% of the wives of the car club that my DH belongs too.

I have taken the train to meet him at events. The first time I did that, I was in the same carriage as two other wives doing exactly the same thing.

Encourage him to take the kids, neighbours, random bloke from work, whatever. You don’t have to get in the car within.

Also, (and I hate to say this), if you say you don’t want to go but then end up going anyway, he won’t take your back pain seriously because you can ‘obviously’ put up with it when you want to. Say no. And mean it!

Imissmybum · 19/08/2021 13:30

It's a wonder how some people make it through the day

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 13:31

If the vehicle has no seatbelts (which surely would be illegal?) then if he had ANY concern for you and his child, even the slightest concern, he would have bought some belts and had them fitted. Again, seems like he really doesn't care too much about his hobby - he certainly doesn't give a damn about you nor the poor innocent DC's lives.

tribpot · 19/08/2021 13:31

I've been looking after someone with a horrendously sore back for the last couple of weeks. I don't understand why you are exacerbating your injury instead of just saying no, this causes me pain and I won't do it. If the situation were reversed, you surely wouldn't expect your DP to do something which caused him significant pain?

If he doesn't believe you, that's up to him. But you need to take care of yourself. If you really feel you need to, you could consult an osteopath or similar, and tell him you've been advised medically not to travel in some crappy old boneshaker that isn't safe (or words to that effect).

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 13:31

Haha fair enough @DifficultBloodyWoman but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 19/08/2021 13:32

Sorry OP but he quite obviously doesn't give a shit about your back.

A considerate person would want you to have a pain free journey to wherever you're going.

You say it's accidental yet you tell him it's painful and he is unconcerned. He keeps doing it despite knowing it puts you in a lot of pain - that is deliberate.

Please be strong like others have suggested and tell him you're not doing it anymore.

Motnight · 19/08/2021 13:32

Op what would you say/do/expect if the roles were reversed?

Would you expect your partner to willingly experience pain as a result of your enthusiasm for a specific car?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2021 13:32

That would be a straight "No, I'm not coming in the vehicle again, it's too painful" from me.

I also have a bad and unstable back/pelvis situation - no fricking way would I put myself through that more than once!

Just tell him he's welcome to go by himself but you're not going with.

SunShinesBrightly · 19/08/2021 13:33

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

Don’t go with him?
mstroutpout · 19/08/2021 13:34

I don't understand how this isn't domestic abuse of your partner continues to do something to you that you have told him hurts and you feel like you can't ask him to stop doing the thing so as not to upset him? And when you've told him it hurts you, he tells you it doesn't.

Surely a non abusive partner would be horrified to think they were doing something that hurt their partner and would believe them and cease doing the thing immediately?

Cheeseismymiddlename · 19/08/2021 13:34

My DH took me out on the back of a jet ski . Would not slow down when I asked. Threw me off 4 times in hour. I was hurt for days after. He was a complete twat and I still haven’t forgiven him. It seriously made me think about our relationship.
Sympathies. Flowers

SunShinesBrightly · 19/08/2021 13:35

Let him drive his old van and you follow in the car.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 13:35

@mstroutpout how have you made the leap to domestic abuse? She willingly gets in the vehicle with him knowing he drives like a twat and it causes her discomfort. That's not abusive.

Sheldock · 19/08/2021 13:36

"Let's take the VW Camper"
"I'm sorry, my back is so sore today, I don't think it will cope with the suspension. DC has said that they are feeling car sick in the camper and we don't want them being sick in it. If you really want to drive to The Pub, we'll meet you there and then you take it the long way home and I'll take DC to the park."

Letthelightoflove · 19/08/2021 13:36

OP I think you just need to take responsibility for your own health here.

We can’t give you a magic sentence that will ensure your partner isn’t arsey about it because most people would be perfectly fine. My DH has a similar hobby and when my back is bad he has not once suggested I be involved. If he did I would have serious questions about our relationship.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for tbh, other than your partner to start being a different person.

SunShinesBrightly · 19/08/2021 13:37

"Let's take the VW Camper"
“No, you take the camper, I’ll meet you there”.