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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

348 replies

Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:44

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/08/2021 18:35

I’m not afraid of him but it is pointless talking about some stuff, he won’t get it and you just end up going round in circles.

This is the crux of the issue OP. You have a partner who is so unwilling or unable to empathise that it's 'pointless' trying to. Most people couldn't sustain a relationship with someone like that, it's ok if you're starting to feel like you can't either.

It's not normal to be ok with you partner being in pain due to your hobby, to say no or suggest alternatives when they ask to go home, to hold up a house move until it's exactly the one you want without compromising.

His behaviour isn't loving or kind and it's ok if you're starting to feel that's a dealbreaker for you.

I'm worried me saying that will feel like an attack to you as I think some posts on here you've thought are attacks on you when they're actually just saying your husband sounds unkind and it's sad to hear you don't feel able to tell him what's wrong and have him listen and react in a healthy, kind way.

If in a relationship you feel unheard, feel you have to really gear yourself up for a chat about not wanting to be in pain, feel he has to do everything his way... it can't be a healthy or happy relationship and it's alright to want out.

diddl · 19/08/2021 18:35

If you really think hat you haven't been clear enough then surely that is the next thing to try?

And don't be fobbed off by him saying that he'll drive carefully/a particular route.

"No, it hurt too much last time"-on repeat if necessary!

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 18:35

I don’t think it is an attack but I do think there is enough to go off for now Flowers

OP posts:
clpsmum · 19/08/2021 18:36

Why are hobbies always top secret on Mumsnet??? Let him do the hobby on his own

clpsmum · 19/08/2021 18:38

Op is there any kind of harness style seatbelt you could get that would keep you more secure and in place?

ApolloandDaphne · 19/08/2021 18:38

@clpsmum

Why are hobbies always top secret on Mumsnet??? Let him do the hobby on his own
If you read all of OPs posts you would see she revealed the hobby in one of her early posts. It really does help to RTFT.
HalzTangz · 19/08/2021 18:39

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

But he can drive it on his own, you can say no sorry it flares up my back injury, I'll stay at home, you go have fun with your drive
Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 18:41

Do people honestly think 13 pages later and this hasn’t been suggested? Grin

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 19/08/2021 18:52

I have lots of sympathy OP, having a dodgy back myself.

I can see myself in your position & I think I'd end up snapping one day and telling him that the fact he doesn't notice I'm in pain, or disregard what I say about how his driving causes me pain, says more about how he feels about me!

Only you know if he'd be so thoughtless if you spell it out to him like that. I hope he isn't.

RubyFowler · 19/08/2021 18:53

So what are you thinking you're going to do OP?

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 18:59

Nothing, yet. I’m going to think.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 19/08/2021 19:00

I had a bad back many years ago which still flares up occasionally, I spent 3 months in bed and it would take me 40 minutes to get to the toilet. My (now ex!) H would come home from work and ask why I hadn't done the housework or cooked dinner....
It then turned out that I had a bulging disc. He said he thought I just had back ache and was making a fuss....
A few years later, I needed a hip replacement. I was in a lot of pain and struggled to walk far. He would insist on parking in the furthest corner of the supermarket car park so no one bumped his shit car and would tell me I needed to stop being so lazy and expecting him to park near the doors just because I couldn't be bothered to walk...
TWAT!

MiaRoma · 19/08/2021 19:02

@Rootvegseason

OK - I can see from the responses it was a bad move to post. I’ll leave it there.

Your OP makes no sense.

If riding in the car hurts you... DON'T RIDE IN THE CAR

StopGo · 19/08/2021 19:05

@Rootvegseason do you drive the precious camper? If so stick him the back and let him have a taste of his own medicine. I imagine that the vehicle has no seat belts.

bigbaggyeyes · 19/08/2021 19:23

My friend has a bad back and her dh is into motorbikes. They used to travel all over on his bike, but she simply can't do it anymore. It has changed the dynamic of the relationship as it's a lifestyle choice for him, he still wants to go out for the day on it and will attend rallies and go on holiday etc.

They do now have to compromise, it's not unusual for them to go out somewhere and meet up. Or the rallies he'll go on his bike and she'll meet him there in the car. He does still go out on a Sunday but will leave at sunrise, have a good few hours on the bike and will be back for breakfast so they can spend the day together. He also has biking holidays with his friends, but she uses the time to catch up with her friends so it still works. He's had to cut down the time he spends on his bike, but also she'll compromise by meeting him places, travelling alone in the car and having weekends with the girls

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 19/08/2021 19:32

Only you know really whether DP 'gets it' and is minimising you being in pain or hasn't really appreciated it.

I tend to be quite brave/stoic when I'm in pain so I have to make a point of spelling it out to DH otherwise he doesn't notice (I have really bad period pain at times.) Conversely he lets me know about every ache and twinge he has so I just think he's making a fuss unless he spells it out to me.

Both of would be really upset at the thought we were upsetting and hurting the other though and would want to work out how to avoid it.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2021 19:36

he doesn’t seem to get it

He does get it, he just doesn’t care. This is what you need to accept. There isn’t a special way to make him understand.

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 19:39

I know which is why all the ‘don’t get in it’ completely miss the point.

OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 19/08/2021 19:42

Not read the full thread, but do you have another car that doesn't hurt you?

I do kind of get this. I don't have back problems etc but I do have a DH who has a "classic" car. It is the only car we have. We also have 3 kids. Over the years, it has been a huge issue in our relationship as he utterly loves his car. I have had to read carefully around the entire issue of the car. Friends have offered to burn it for me. It is a liability, breaks down all the time, he spends so much of what would be family time fixing the fucker. So I get it and I get that you have to tread carefully.

However, there is a limit. My husband's car doesn't cause me pain - at least not of the physical kind. Bring it up carefully, seed the idea if you have to... But he needs to be told and accept that you won't travel in the vehicle. He can keep it for his own personal jollies but you won't join him in it.

If he cannot accept that then there are more fundamental issues than the car.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 19/08/2021 19:43

tread

RubyFowler · 19/08/2021 19:53

@bigbaggyeyes

My friend has a bad back and her dh is into motorbikes. They used to travel all over on his bike, but she simply can't do it anymore. It has changed the dynamic of the relationship as it's a lifestyle choice for him, he still wants to go out for the day on it and will attend rallies and go on holiday etc.

They do now have to compromise, it's not unusual for them to go out somewhere and meet up. Or the rallies he'll go on his bike and she'll meet him there in the car. He does still go out on a Sunday but will leave at sunrise, have a good few hours on the bike and will be back for breakfast so they can spend the day together. He also has biking holidays with his friends, but she uses the time to catch up with her friends so it still works. He's had to cut down the time he spends on his bike, but also she'll compromise by meeting him places, travelling alone in the car and having weekends with the girls

This is a good example of how it could work. But first you need to be completely honest with him about it.
catcatcatcat · 19/08/2021 19:55

My FIL has a soft top. MIL has back problems. He goes off for drives, she enjoys the quiet at home. She'd never make herself fit in the car and hurt herself and he wouldn't want to either!!

cabingirl · 19/08/2021 20:16

Okay - it's hard for us to say one thing will work because we have never met your DP so don't know what's going on in his head. But it's one of the following:

  1. He doesn't get it - but will care and want to come up with a solution that works for you when he does get it

(this is where you do need to make sure you've been very clear about the level of pain you feel - it's not just the odd twinge that you are being very loud about. It's where the posters who think that you are sending mixed messages to your DP who might not understand the pain level if you keep getting in the car)

  1. He doesn't get it but he will not care enough even if you show him how serious you are about the pain. He always thinks his needs matter more than yours no matter what.
  1. He gets it and doesn't care enough to make any changes.

If it's either of the second two then you have two choices (three if you include LTB now)

a) Put up with his thoughtlessness but protect yourself by setting very clear and strong boundaries for yourself (ie not getting in the van), you will always have to come up with your own solutions - ie you drive the other family car on days out if he goes in the van.

b) Put up with his thoughtlessness and keep letting him dictate what you do and what you should put up with.

WildfirePonie · 19/08/2021 21:03

Does he give you the silent treatment if you rock the boat?

MrsExpo · 19/08/2021 21:03

My DH used to have an old (1950’s) car which was grim to ride in as a passenger but he loved to drive it. Eventually I refused to get in it. He sold it ...

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