DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

[Rootvegseason]

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

Why can't you get a harness/seat belt fitted?
Adk a specialist fitter

Your anger towards posters trying to offer suggestions, is a bit misplaced.

Maybe it's time to just admit you're married to a thoughtless arse and go from there.

You have a child with him. So what. You can still leave.

Nobody here has an answer to the problem because your DP is an arse. That isn't solvable.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it

If you have difficulty communicating something this basic, either you are in an abusive relationship where dissent causes to much hassle that you've learn to keep quiet, or, you have a lot of work to do on your personality.

It doesn't matter if he's passionate about it. For God's sake - it's hurting an old injury of yours! Please read up on assertiveness and communication as this could be effecting multiple things in your marriage.

So, he doesn’t care, he puts his enjoyment above your physical well-being, and because you have yet to put your foot down (ie. refuse to get in the van) he looks the other way when you scream in pain.

If it were a casual relationship I’d just end it. But it’s not, you have a child, so a very frank conversation is in order, and if he doesn’t ‘get it’ then you have the measure of him.

And to be fair, you do sound like a martyr if you’d rather suffer physical pain than speak frankly with your DH about it (this is in reference to the ‘not ruining a nice day out comment’).

@Octavia64 my DH wasn't keen to make any of those changes

Not even keen enough to be considerate of his wife to try a lousy cushion for your foot? Your 'D'H sounds as much as a selfish pos as the OP's. You both should gather some self respect and leave them. Any man who cares about his wife would try anything to make her being with him in the car easier. Yours, like the OP's, just doesn't give a shit about you. My DH would bend over backwards and pay almost the world to ensure I am comfortable. And he has done. I would not settle for anything less!

How old is your child op? I wouldn't be comfortable with my child being flung about. I understand your worry about this - my husband is also a 'it'll be FINE!' 'Don't worry about things so much!' And attempts to cajole or bargain with things I've said I'm not wanting to do. It makes me consider my responses to him as sometimes it feels like it'll turn into a 'but whyyyy' instead of acceptance. I will say that he does have ADHD which means he has a new hobby every 2 minutes.

@SamiReed1

I have left.

I suffered a severe accident which gave me a life changing and life limiting disability.
The NHS misdiagnosed me, and I had to source my own hydrotherapy, physiotherapist, wheelchair, neurologist, etc.
I suffer permanent pain from the injury, and in the first six months after it could not walk at all, and was off my head on tramadol.

I have self respect. I also know that in a situation where you are so ill/in pain that your thoughts narrow to only surviving the next day, and dealing with the intense pain and suffering, changing your long term situation is very difficult.

Someone who does not leave because their psychological horizons have narrowed to day to day survival is not lacking in self respect. They need support, not someone implying that they are weak for not being able to leave.

@RantyAunty

Your anger towards posters trying to offer suggestions, is a bit misplaced.

Maybe it's time to just admit you're married to a thoughtless arse and go from there.

You have a child with him. So what. You can still leave.

Nobody here has an answer to the problem because your DP is an arse. That isn't solvable.

Yes, I was thinking the same but didn't know how to word it. If only they were this aggressive and or straightforward and direct with their DP.

Basically OP's partner wants to continue the bachelor life. That's what this is about. That's why he continues subjecting OP and an innocent baby to his piece of shit van. He won't sell the shitbox, he'd rather risk his partner and child's life because he can't grow up and won't grow up. Luckily the OP isn't married to him so she can leave easier. The whole making her suffer pain in his worthless shitbox is a red herring. Her DP is a selfish narcissist who doesn't give flying rats about her or flying rats about an innocent baby. She needs to gather self respect, put herself and her innocent baby first and leave his arse and his shit box in the gutter. She deserves so much better than him and reading through her posts it's obvious that he can't commit and is indecisive and everything including a home to live in. So his stupid shit box hobby is only a symptom of a bigger picture of a loser of a partner who does not give a flying rats stuffing about her.

There is no future with him. He's worthless. The OP was worried their relationship might be in jeopardy if he starts manning up and taking her pain seriously. I say, I hope it is! I would hope so! The sooner she gets out of the relationship the better. She seems mouthy with us, I just wish she'd employ that with him.

Ok OP, so you can’t say no to doing the hobby and being in pain without it being detrimental to your relationship and it probably dying over the next few years. I get that.
What I’m not sure of is what you’re asking then. Your DH knows you’re in pain and doesn’t seem to care so you can either keep the peace and damage yourself to save the relationship or you can speak up (refuse to take part) and damage the relationship to save your health.
Your DH doesn’t want to change his behaviour so it seems to me that they are your choices.

"I doubt he thinks I’m lying but I think it’s more he thinks I’m exaggerating, "

How would he know if you were exaggerating? His perception overrules yours EVEN on matters that pertain to your internal body. You are in the situation, so maybe you don't see how starkly wrong that looks from the outside?

"when something that’s hugely important to him is something I can’t access."

I think you need to ask yourself why his hobby vehicle is more important to him than your health.

Also, why not just...not go? Just let him do his hobby alone? You're not having fun, what's the point of a hobby that's no fun? It makes no sense.

Something that just occurred to me, could the bouncing around be caused by the old-timey suspension (I know nothing about cars, I'm just guessing here), is it possible he could get a custom updated suspension that actually works? It would be very pricey, but if you are all committed to the classic car lifestyle then maybe solutions would be revealed by some online searching for how other people deal with this.

"I suppose I was hoping for some help on getting him to see how painful it is for me but not getting in the way or something that really matters to him. "

How likely is it that you can achieve both these aims?

The first aim should be achievable by communicating more assertively. Something like: "I don't enjoy long drives in the camper because it aggravates my injury. I really suffer afterwards and I just don't enjoy it, even though I know it's important to you. From now on I'm not going to go with you for long trips and I also want you to drive more carefully when I do go with you. Thanks for being understanding."

I mean if that succeeds, it may well get in the way of his hobby. He might go less often, or he might go alone, or you might take a different vehicle for longer drives. How much will that matter to you, and to him?

Importantly, nobody on this thread can change how your husband receives information, or make him care. We can only suggest different ways of communicating to him. He may not care, but that shouldn't stop you getting what you need.

So I should have said ‘NO, you have really hurt me and I am in a lot of pain and I want to go home.’

I think the language you use is really important @Rootvegseason If you say it like this I could imagine that your DH would react badly. However if you just keep it more impersonal perhaps he would understand more. So instead of saying you have really hurt me you could say it hurts my back being in the camper van so I'm going to give it a miss today and that would be much less personal and emotive. And it's firm that you have already decided, are not in a strop about it and are happy to do separate activities today.

I'm in a similar marriage @Rootvegseason, though in my case it's gotten to the point where I'm done.

Lots of posts asking variations of why would you keep doing something that's causing you pain. For me the answer would be gaslighting and FOG and the inability to enforce boundaries. Ive never been very good at boundaries, abusive mum, sick sibling, being a young carer.

The boundaries are a little more blurred in my case, because just being alive causes me a lot of pain. I've gotten significantly worse over the last few years and a big part of that was trying to do all the things stbxh expected me to do.

FOG is a big part of the why I've let him push me into doing this to myself, fear, obligation, guilt. Fear he'll stop loving me, fear our family will break up, fear he'll get angry. Feeling obliged to do things because they're so important to him and all he wants is me to be there and he never gets what he needs, being made to feel guilty at what he's missing out on, being made to feel like I mustn't love him if I won't do the very reasonable little things he's asked for. Being made to feel like my pain, myself, none of me counts. Being made to feel like if I just tried harder I could make it work, that the fault lies in me. If he was someone I could say no to and he'd respect that instead of making me feel guilty and worthless, we wouldn't be where we are.

I've spent years thinking I was failing to communicate just how much pain I was in. Turns out he doesn't GAF, his needs are much more important than my pain.

Why are you going in the car if it hurts you? Or couldn’t you follow in your car to save the pain after?

That’s really sad *LunaAndHerMoonDragons•. Hope you can get out soon

Late to the thread but how old is your DS OP? I'm asking as I'm wondering if it is feasible for him to be in the back and you sit upfront. Where you might be on a bit more of a supportive seat.

Also because when my DDs were 0 to say 3/4, my back injury was particularly flared up as I was lifting them as well. Pilates and not lifting them helped me a lot, also the Sarah Key technique. I wouldn't have coped with the van situation back then but prob wd now if I was in the front. (DDs are teens).

I understand wanting to do something as a family hobby, but I think your DP sounds supremely self centred and it appears he doesn't "hear you" or do v much to take on board your needs or wants - this situation, buying a house etc.

Have you talked to him about it when you aren't in the van (so not having to shout and shriek)? How does he respond then? Does he otherwise take care of you, be mindful of your wishes and needs?

@wendywoopywoo222

My partner shares this hobby and also has a 1960 car so I know it's a rough ride. When I'm with him he drives slowly to make sure that I'm comfortable, and if im not feeling it then I don't go and he can drive it to its full potential which he loves.

Your hubby is being inconsiderate and unfair. I would stop going completely if it was hurting me and he would understand that.

I hope that you manage to make him understand that it's not because you don't want to but because you can't. If it's a pub lunch could he not go out for his drive and then you meet him a a localish pub.

You do need to stop before you do yourself more damage.

He has to be willing to understand it's can't. Stbxh always said you won't do this, I'd say no it's I can't do this, I'd really like to, but I can't. He was never willing to understand.

So you think you need to put up with pain because if you refuse to get in the car ever again, he will throw it back at you in an argument because in his mind, you would be in the wrong to not be prepared to be in pain in order for him to have fun? Is that the situation you are in? You both know he's going to be grumpy you aren't prepared to risk injury in order for him to have fun?

Why are you trying to save a relationship with a man who doesn't love you or even care about you beyond your accessory and childcare abilities?

You are risking your health because you know if you say no he will be angry. This relationship sounds incredibly broken.

@Rootvegseason please look after your back. You only get one spine and back problems can become very serious if you don’t look after them. I used to ‘work through’ the pain and try to keep active and I can’t walk at all now. I really regret not taking my health more seriously.

Secondly, I’m very concerned that your DP drives like an idiot. Do you think he is a dangerous driver, generally? If so, I really think you need to protect your child from being driven by him too. Don’t let your DS’s health be damaged by your DP.

You need to talk about the car issues when you are not in the car or about to go out. I think individual counselling might help you to become more assertive at being able to express yourself.