Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

348 replies

Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:44

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 19/08/2021 12:59

Don't go honestly it's not worth the actual pain ! Btw you are choosing to go he can go himself you don't have to join in.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/08/2021 12:59

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

I completely get this. My friend couldn't do a tractor ride at a farm recently for exactly this reason. I didn't expect her to do it either. You're going to have to stop doing it! There isn't really an answer to this one is there, other than that!
MotionActivatedDog · 19/08/2021 13:02

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine.

Worrying that you felt you had to ask not to do the hobby rather than just telling him you aren’t doing it.

Mybalconyiscracking · 19/08/2021 13:02

How about if you drive and he sits in the back?
Maybe give him a pan of uncomfortably hot water to hold in his lap?

TurdCrapley · 19/08/2021 13:03

I can't see an answer to this problem apart from not going in the car. What do you want people to say?🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 13:03

I’d have no problem with him driving solo but he doesn’t do that - it’s as PP said, let’s go out to the pub or this place for a walk and so on.

I probably am not clear enough that I find it so painful (although surely someone shrieking is a clue!) but it is so hard to explain!

Thanks @NoSquirrels

OP posts:
Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 13:05

@TurdCrapley

I can't see an answer to this problem apart from not going in the car. What do you want people to say?🤷‍♀️
I suppose I was hoping for some help on getting him to see how painful it is for me but not getting in the way or something that really matters to him. But I don’t know why people are being so unpleasant, it isn’t really giving me much confidence about raising it with him!

We’re having a few relationship challenges and I don’t want to be endlessly ‘AND ANOTHER THING’ with him.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/08/2021 13:07

I'm not sure why you're in the back, is there a possibility to go in the front? Where does your child sit?

I have had a bad back in the past and it seriously impacted what dh and I could do as a couple. I couldn't walk very far, and we like going for walks when it's too windy yo cycle (luckily I could still cycle). Of course, dh could still walk without me but it's not the same. However, he got distressed by how much pain I was in and certainly wouldn't have minimised it.

What do you do when you go out in the vehicle (is it a car?). Eg if you just go out for a ride, then maybe dh could get together with a fellow enthusiast and go out with them. If it's a drive to a pub lunch, could you go separately and meet him there?

Whatever you do, you need to stop going in the vehicle and your dh needs to accept that.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 19/08/2021 13:08

At the expense of your back though. Just say it’s very painful then uncomfortable for days afterwards. I’ve got a v bad knee just now and it’s limiting so many things as I can’t walk far, even getting in the car is an issue so can imagine if it was my back I’d not want to jar it but also my partner wouldn’t want to hurt me either, think he needs to learn some empathy and kindness for you op.

DismantledKing · 19/08/2021 13:10

I suppose I was hoping for some help on getting him to see how painful it is for me but not getting in the way or something that really matters to him. But I don’t know why people are being so unpleasant, it isn’t really giving me much confidence about raising it with him!

Just tell him; it really is that simple. There’s no point getting arsey with us. We’re not the ones hurting your back on a regular basis.

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 13:10

Our child is in the back @EmmaGrundyForPM - that’s one of the main reasons I’m there. Also if there was an accident chances are the people in the front would be killed and I am not ready to leave this mortal world plus don’t want to leave ds an orphan Grin (dramatic, me?)

But thank you for your answer. It has put things into perspective. I think I do need to be a bit firmer about how limited my life can be when my back is playing up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 13:10

I’m not getting arsey!

OP posts:
Keroppi · 19/08/2021 13:11

You need to be as dramatic and serious about your pain as men with "man flu"! Maybe next time you can be bedridden for a day or two and have him fetch all your meals and tea! Wink Of course this only works if he is arsed about you being in pain.

I understand what you mean about it being a lifestyle more than a hobby. Perhaps some mods to the seats/suspension or you could even drive? Failing that I think you'll have to be firm and say you're going in another car and you'll follow him there.

wendywoopywoo222 · 19/08/2021 13:11

My partner shares this hobby and also has a 1960 car so I know it's a rough ride. When I'm with him he drives slowly to make sure that I'm comfortable, and if im not feeling it then I don't go and he can drive it to its full potential which he loves.

Your hubby is being inconsiderate and unfair. I would stop going completely if it was hurting me and he would understand that.

I hope that you manage to make him understand that it's not because you don't want to but because you can't. If it's a pub lunch could he not go out for his drive and then you meet him a a localish pub.

You do need to stop before you do yourself more damage.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 13:12

@Rootvegseason

I’d have no problem with him driving solo but he doesn’t do that - it’s as PP said, let’s go out to the pub or this place for a walk and so on.

I probably am not clear enough that I find it so painful (although surely someone shrieking is a clue!) but it is so hard to explain!

Thanks @NoSquirrels

It’s not hard to explain though, is it?

The vehicle makes your back flare up. It causes you pain. You’ve tried and it’s too painful so I don’t want to go for trips in it, DH.

Chloemol · 19/08/2021 13:12

So don’t get in the car. Simple

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 13:13

OK - thanks.

OP posts:
AvaCallanach · 19/08/2021 13:14

Try this next time:

Dh 'let's drive out to X place for a picnic, it'll be lovely'
You 'That would be great, but as you know the cortina aggravates my back and isn't at modern safety standards for DC, so how's about I drive with dc in the normal family car and meet you there?'

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 13:15

I think I do need to be a bit firmer about how limited my life can be when my back is playing up.

You need to be crystal clear that you just won’t risk your back at all.

Don’t be wishy-washy about it.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 19/08/2021 13:16

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

He can be passionate about it on his own
SwanShaped · 19/08/2021 13:17

You don’t need advice on how to explain it more clearly. If my husband said to me ‘I can’t do that because it hurts my back’ I’d say ‘ok’. The fact that he’s not listening to you shows you more about him than you. He doesn’t care about your back. He cares more about his car.

Rannva · 19/08/2021 13:17

Why the hell do you keep going? Grow a backbone! Honestly, he probably just thinks you're a whinger seeing as you keep going.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 13:17

Either you start driving, start sitting in the front passenger seat, or get proper secure seatbelts for the back seats.

Also ask him to stop driving like a prat because there's no reason you should be flung all over the place if he's driving properly.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 13:17

We’re having a few relationship challenges and I don’t want to be endlessly ‘AND ANOTHER THING’ with him.

I absolutely get this, but if part of the issues are really all the same root - for instance him not listening to you or prioritising your feelings/comfort and you not feeling able to advocate for your own needs effectively- then you need to keep raising things. You can’t avoid confrontation as you’ll be miserable in the long run.

Notradespeopleareavailable · 19/08/2021 13:20

@DismantledKing

I suppose I was hoping for some help on getting him to see how painful it is for me but not getting in the way or something that really matters to him. But I don’t know why people are being so unpleasant, it isn’t really giving me much confidence about raising it with him!

Just tell him; it really is that simple. There’s no point getting arsey with us. We’re not the ones hurting your back on a regular basis.

You are just going to have to tell him (if he really is that oblivious and can't see it for himself). What else are you expecting us to say to you?
Swipe left for the next trending thread