Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

348 replies

Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:44

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

OP posts:
burritofan · 19/08/2021 12:50

Surely that’s as easy as “don’t get in the car”. He can drive it without you, it’s very much a solo hobby and if he says it isn’t, he’s lying and either doesn’t care that you get hurt or actively wants to hurt you. Only you know which of those it might be.

Goodthings · 19/08/2021 12:50

You tried it, it hurt, don’t do it again.

Sarahlou63 · 19/08/2021 12:51

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

Drive it yourself? Tell him to slow down? Catch the bus and meet him at the destination? Stay at home and watch telly while he pootles round?
Anordinarymum · 19/08/2021 12:51

Ok I'll play.........

if he knows you have a back injury and going in his car hurts you.. why would he want you to go in it?

WHY?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 19/08/2021 12:52

So your husband’s hobby is driving you about as you are in increasing amounts of pain. He sounds like a peach.

Seriously just stop getting in the car. It’s a very worrying sign about the dynamics of your relationship that you haven’t long since stopped and you’re starting a MN thread to ask how to get him to agree to you not doing this.

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:52

I have @ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

It’s hard because as anyone with back problems knows it isn’t something sort of consistent. Most of the time you wouldn’t know somethings wrong.

But like now - we set out and there’s a road closure so we end up on country lanes and I’m being hurled around the back yelping as we hit potholes and crash over bridges and so on - and I ask him if we can just give it up as a bad job and I get ‘oh just try sitting like this / doing this.’

I worry he thinks I’m being dramatic!

And yeah I probably should just refuse to get in it but he’s so passionate about it (in many ways more or a lifestyle than hobby) I worry it would have implications for our relationship tbh.

OP posts:
thelegohooverer · 19/08/2021 12:53

That’s not by accident, though. There’s a third category which is neglect (otherwise known as not giving a shit).

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:53

I’m not sure what ‘I’ll play’ means. As I’ve said bad backs aren’t bad all the time. It can be hard to explain to someone who hasn’t really any experience with it.

OP posts:
Noteshook · 19/08/2021 12:53

If you're worried saying you don't want to go into a vehicle that causes you physical pain will affect your relationship, then you perhaps have bigger issues.

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:53

@thelegohooverer

That’s not by accident, though. There’s a third category which is neglect (otherwise known as not giving a shit).
Honestly it does feel like that, sometimes.
OP posts:
SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 19/08/2021 12:53

ConfusedConfusedConfused

Load3 · 19/08/2021 12:55

Can he put a seat harness in for you somehow OP? So that you're more anchored to the seat and not being flung around. Similar to the belts in a race car?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/08/2021 12:55

Your DP doesn't care if you suffer pain.

There, I've said it. It's now up to you what you do about it.

cabingirl · 19/08/2021 12:55

Just don't get in the car.

I take it, it's not the only family vehicle.

DH doesn't have to stop his hobby he can pootle all he likes on his own.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 12:55

Why are you in the back? Would the front be better?

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:55

OK - I can see from the responses it was a bad move to post. I’ll leave it there.

OP posts:
burritofan · 19/08/2021 12:55

What would his reaction be if you refused? Properly refused, not “Oh, I’m worried, can you be careful”. Just straight up: no. And you don’t move to get in the car, you go and read a book or anything else, and make clear you’re not doing it.

Would he give you the silent treatment? Sulk? Shout? Try to drag you? The hobby isn’t the issue, the bad back isn’t the issue: the fact you think your relationship would suffer if you refused is the issue. Do you ever say no to him about anything? How does he respond?

WillaWeatherspoon · 19/08/2021 12:56

Everyone Hmming at you is being a bit disingenuous as I can see how this comes about, if for example he says "let's drive out to a lovely country pub for lunch" and you think that sounds great but then he insists on taking the Cortina or whatever.
Does he show the car at vintage rallies or anything OP? Could you go by train and join him there so you still get to spend time together enjoying his hobby but you don't actually have to go in the vehicle?
Either that or just come to an agreement on what a fair amount of time to pursue his solo hobby is, and then take up your own hobby during that time?

PoachedPair · 19/08/2021 12:56

OP, the consequences of aggravating your back condition could have implications for your relationship as well, not to mention your long term mobility and health.

If the person I loved was yelping as a result of my actions I would stop immediately. I think the biggest question here is why your DP carries on. His disregard for your pain is quite unbelievable.

banisher · 19/08/2021 12:56

Don't get in the car.

Make him realise how serious you are.

He can go joyriding in his own bloody time.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 12:58

@Rootvegseason

OK - I can see from the responses it was a bad move to post. I’ll leave it there.
It’s not a bad idea to have posted.

Your underlying issue is that your husband is putting his hobby/lifestyle preference above your comfort or discomfort. That’s not OK.

Mixed in is your worry about ‘seeming dramatic’ and that it will damage your relationship because he’ll resent you. That’s also not OK.

Do you want reassurance it’s OK to state your needs and have them listened to? Or do you want help with wording it?

Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:58

@WillaWeatherspoon

Everyone Hmming at you is being a bit disingenuous as I can see how this comes about, if for example he says "let's drive out to a lovely country pub for lunch" and you think that sounds great but then he insists on taking the Cortina or whatever. Does he show the car at vintage rallies or anything OP? Could you go by train and join him there so you still get to spend time together enjoying his hobby but you don't actually have to go in the vehicle? Either that or just come to an agreement on what a fair amount of time to pursue his solo hobby is, and then take up your own hobby during that time?
Thank you so much for understanding! It’s probably not going to be a very helpful thread but I genuinely appreciate this answer.
OP posts:
DismantledKing · 19/08/2021 12:58

Well don’t go then. It’s that simple. Hmm

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 19/08/2021 12:59

Just to be clear OP, are you happy for him to continue without you or do you want him to stop these trips completely?

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 12:59

Do you generally have an issue with being forthright about your own needs? Is he usually insensitive?

Swipe left for the next trending thread