DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

[Rootvegseason]

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

Tell him your not going he can go on his own . You don't have to go do you? Tell him your more than happy for him to go but you don't want to its his thing not yours

I’m not sure what ‘I’ll play’ means

It means "I am deigning to comment on this thread on a forum I am a member of but I can't just do it, oh no, I have to sound like a knobhead first".

@AtLeastPretendToCare

Why are you participating in his hobby if it could hurt you?

And why is he happy to run the risk of hurting you?

This!

You need to take responsibility for your own health.

Frankly if your refusal to go pootling around in a vintage car on weekends is going to end your relationship - maybe it's ready to end?

It will probably be fine, both of you are resisting a change to how things have been. Chances are he will enjoy having the time alone to drive, and you can take that time to do something that doesn't fuck your back up.

I get backache in my DPs car and refuse to go in long pleasure drives with him for that reason

I'll admit to not having RTFT but I have read your posts OP, but have you told him you don't want to go out in the car?

@burritofan

Knife throwing? Magician cutting a lady in half? Jousting?

🤣🤣🤣

Sorry if you've already said this but do you have a family car and can you drive?if so you could say I'll meet you there with DC.

No one likes the thought of causing their DP pain, I had to give up my perfume collection as it gave my DP bad headaches.

DH had a TVR well two over a period of years. I found driving in it made me feel nauseous and gave me a headache, so I simply refused to get in it.
Do you have another vehicle you can use ?

You need to drive and he sits in the back. The advantage the driver has is that they can brace themselves for bumps and corners and grip the steering wheel to stay still. In the back you are vulnerable. I can't even bear our modern car in the back.

I think a lot of people carry 'ickle princess being swept off her feet by dashing knight in armour' fantasies far too far into adulthood and outside the bedroom.

I mean, if your joint hobby was BDSM then all well and good but, as it's not, you need to stop waiting limply for him or rescue you and start being a boring old grown-up.

argh! '...him to rescue you...'.

I need to learn to proof-read.

I feel your pain (literally). My DH has changed the seats so they are better padded, I also have extra pillows to keep my back from being too bad. I take painkillers before we set out and keep on top of them for the days we are in the vehicle.

Depending on the run we are doing sometimes I go in the car and meet him there. Other times we trailer the vehicle to the places we are going so I'm only in it for a short time. And sometimes he goes on his own. We also choose the vehicles we buy carefully, to get the least painful vehicle we can!

I knew it would be a VW I'd approach it as 'DH we need to find a way to make the camper more comfortable for me because of my back, any ideas?' If he's anything like my DH that will send him on an enjoyable journey of tweaking and mods which might also solve the problem.

I do agree it's worrying that either you don't feel able to get across to him the level of pain it causes you, or he knows and doesn't care though and difficult to advise on that side of things without knowing which it is.

@Rootvegseason

Haha fair enough *@DifficultBloodyWoman* but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

Only if they're driven by pricks.

Which this one clearly is.

@Rootvegseason

Haha fair enough *@DifficultBloodyWoman* but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

Are you belted in properly - does the car seat fit etc? Is there in fact a legitimate safety issue for your child, as well as it hurting your back?

As it’s a campervan, I get the ‘lifestyle’ aspect but you can just follow in your own car with your DC and enjoy the ‘lifestyle’ bit at your destination e.g. beach etc. That way no one has to give up anything.

Well if he does decide to split he can just move into his van!

I know that potholes can't be helped-but "crashing over bridges"?

Is he a shit/careless driver to boot?

We used to have a Commer van & went for miles without being "flung about".

God sounds awful. I can just imagine the smug wanker lifestyle look that goes with this too, and the vans are so slow!

Extreme solution - How about you get bed of nails and ask him to sit on it while he’s driving it so he is also in pain? So he can see what it feels like.

Or leave it open and hope someone steals it.

The driver seat is probably more comfy, so you drive. Idea?

@diddl

"Only if they're driven by pricks.

Which this one clearly is."

You beat me to it &put it so succinctly!

@DismantledKing

‘Shall we take the railway handcar to the pub today?’ ‘No it’s a fucking stupid method of transport and it hurts my back’

@Rootvegseason

Haha fair enough *@DifficultBloodyWoman* but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

I knew by the way you were talking about "the lifestyle" it was going to be an old VW!

My DH is a vintage Veedubber aswell, I totally get you, it's really NOT a solo hobby as some people have suggested!! My DH loves to "go for a drive" and have me along for a chatter.

I honestly don't know what to suggest other than what others have said...

limit how often you go for family outings in it so only once a month vs once a week?

more cushions? Something else you can do for comfort/pain relief before you set off?

Is there anything you can do longer term to reduce your pain such as physio, Pilates, stretching or anything?

Tell him he's an inconsiderate tool?

Sorry I can't be more help than a sympathetic ear?!

Can be put new supportive seats in the back , if it flings you about it doesnt sound very safe for your or your child. Failing that a mattress on the floor. It sounds bloody awful.