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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

348 replies

Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 12:44

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 19/08/2021 15:32

@Rootvegseason

Well, I don’t know about enjoying it Grin but I don’t mind it. I think it’s a bit like when you take your DCs to soft play and they enjoy it so you sort of do too.
GrinGrinGrin
Original poster
Rootvegseason · 19/08/2021 15:32

Flowers @fantasmasgoria1 it’s bloody awful isn’t it? Sad

OP posts:
Dontwatchfootball · 19/08/2021 15:34

OP, sorry for all the hate. I can see your dilemma. I think you need to have a talk to your DH in a neutral place and at a time that is not just before or after you have been driving. I think he is probably just not really getting what you are telling him (people are very good at denial when accepting things would cause them problems) so you have to be really clear how much this is affecting you and what your bottom line is. There is more than one hobby in the world, and any partner worth their salt would be willing to either pursue their hobby by themself or to find something you can do together.

Kiduknot · 19/08/2021 15:34

You can phrase it nicely.
“I’m really upset that I’m ruining some nice days out together, I’d love to be able to carry on, but it’s got to the point where it’s so painful I just can’t. I know that’s disappointing for you, it is for me as well, but I’ve tried and tried and I’m not prepared to feel the pain any more.”

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/08/2021 15:34

I suffer with chronic pain and my partner gets upset if he accidentally hurts me. That's how loving people who care about you should behave.

He sounds like a bully OP and it's not right that he's made you feel you have to cherry pick the pain (physical / emotional) he causes you for fear of expressing too much pain and him walking away.

It's immature and cruel of him to be so controlling of your leisure time, your exposure to pain triggers, your house situation etc. He sounds like a misogynist who thinks he gets the final say be default.

Ask yourself this - if you had a hobby you adored, that inconvenienced him or caused him physical pain, 1. Would you even ask him to join you and 2. Would he do so? I would guess no and no.

He sounds horrible, you don't have to live like that. Flowers

Congressdingo · 19/08/2021 15:36

I suppose I was hoping for some help on getting him to see how painful it is for me but not getting in the way or something that really matters to him. But I don’t know why people are being so
unpleasant, it isn’t really giving me much confidence about raising it with him

You cant make someone see how much pain your in. So options are
Dont ever get in that car (some old army jeep by any chance? )
Modify the car to current standards?
Btw have a partner who loves his heapofjunk classic car, but it's a nice one with decent seats and proper seatbelts and shock absorbers and stuff. Still I only go to the better events where a fabulous hotel is required, no camping or glamping for me.

Take you and your child in the family car, meet at whatever place.

Something else that I haven't thought of but no doubt a pp will have.

WetBench · 19/08/2021 15:37

Don’t understand why people are downplaying someone else’s pain.

If my DH knew something caused me pain there’s no fucking way he’d make me do it!

Tell hi you can’t travel in it any more full
Stop as you’re getting injured. If he insists well then he want to hurt you and his enjoyment counts more me it’s a huge issue if you want to stay together

Branleuse · 19/08/2021 15:38

those old VW campers are a bloody nightmare to both drive and be a passenger in. Im not sure why people love them so much. We hired one for a road trip once and whilst they look cool, it confirmed to me that id never get one.

I think your husband needs to find a better campervan, or you just refuse to go with him. Be assertive. You dont actually have to do everything someone else wants you to do. Hes told you he would be careful and he lied and wasnt careful, so why would you trust him. Why doesnt he give a shit that hes hurting you? Stand up for yourself woman!

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 15:38

208 comments in and nobody's clarified whether they can just get seatbelts Grin

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 15:42

So just saying no will have implications and serious implications given a child is involved.

This is crux isn’t OP. There’s something about you or the dynamics of your relationship that make it hard for you to just say no.

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 15:42

Yes girlmom21 the OP isn't actually answering any of these questions.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 15:43

@Rootvegseason

Well, I don’t know about enjoying it Grin but I don’t mind it. I think it’s a bit like when you take your DCs to soft play and they enjoy it so you sort of do too.
But you do mind it? Because it hurts you.
Immunetypegoblin · 19/08/2021 15:46

I'm sorry OP, this sounds rough. Your DP also sounds really selfish, or at least very unthinkingly inconsiderate.

My DH can be like this sometimes. I have taken to simply saying 'No, I'm sorry, it hurts me so I can't do that'. Be calm and keep it brief, and STICK TO IT. You are not imagining your pain.

My predicted next development from his side is that he will start to exhibit a mixture of annoyance/perturbation that your pain is this bad, because it never was before. Try to be patient and calm during this bit as well, because it is hard not to interpret it as an accusation of making a fuss. Consistency is key here. Good luck Flowers

Sakurami · 19/08/2021 15:46

Tell your husband that you're not going in it again that it hurts you. That if he wants you to join he needs to get a more comfortable one and drive better. End off

SunshineCake · 19/08/2021 15:46

Whatever the hobby my dh would not want to do it if it means I get hurt.

He's a twat for not listening. You're an idiot for allowing yourself to do something you know will hurt.

CaptainCaveMum · 19/08/2021 15:46

@Rootvegseason you’ve been given a hard time here. I get it. I have a spinal condition. My DH - and the DC love camping. I hate it. Whatever camp bed I sleep on, it’s not the same as my bed at home - and I end up in agony. I love the daytimes when we go camping - the games, the outdoors, the walking - it’s just the fact I end up with back pain that needs weeks of medical treatment every time that’s become the problem.
We have finally agreed that I am just not going to come any more. Because me being in pain is not good for me, for us as a couple or us as a family. And we are happier for it. Yes - it has impacted our time together. Yes it does reduce his hobby opportunities. But - we are happier when we are together and he can still enjoy his hobby independently (just less often) without having to worry about me. So I think you should do the same - just put your foot down and say ‘that’s it. I’m done. Never again.’

It does concern me that your DH doesn’t seem worried about you when your back is in pain. If that’s truly the case, I think you need to have a deeper conversation about how much he cherishes you in your marriage.

Good luck.

namechangeandNC · 19/08/2021 15:46

@Rootvegseason

Well, I don’t know about enjoying it Grin but I don’t mind it. I think it’s a bit like when you take your DCs to soft play and they enjoy it so you sort of do too.
Sorry I've never heard a greater untruth on MN

You sort of enjoy soft play because your kids like it so you sort of enjoy it too!

Come on OP ... Admit it - we all fucking HATE soft play!!!Grin

Seriously though I have chronic pain and I wouldn't be happy if my DH was not understanding that something he was doing was causing me pain, hobby or not. Is there any other sort of classic car he could get that wasn't so throwy abouty? I have no idea about these things but could he look for something that would still meet his hobby requirements but not hurt you as much?

Bottom line is, you shouldn't have to be in pain to go to the pub. I would expect him to be happy to drive a regular car for joint activities that he wanted to share with you.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 19/08/2021 15:51

I've not read all the thread and it does sound like there are a few DH issues here.

If you want to carry on with the social part of your DH's VW hobby, is it feasible for you to get your own little VW car and have it fitted with proper seatbelts and an ergonomic seat? That way, you get to spend time together, but you are more comfortable and in control of how bumpy your ride is.

A four-point rally harness does a good job of keeping you firmly in your seat.

Killahangilion · 19/08/2021 15:52

@girlmom21

208 comments in and nobody's clarified whether they can just get seatbelts Grin
Probably because it’s completely irrelevant to the issue of comfort. Hmm

The uncomfortable ride is due to both the design of the suspension and the fact that the seats are just rectangles of foam plonked on top of wood. There are no springs in them.

Also, if the DP is keen on keeping his van original, then he wouldn’t be fitting seatbelts in the back.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/08/2021 15:52

People are not downplaying OP's pain. We all believe her about the pain.

diddl · 19/08/2021 15:53

"I went head first over the engine cover"

The third seat?Grin

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 15:54

@Killahangilion The OP is being "thrown about in the back" and seatbelts are "completely irrelevant to the issue of comfort."? Are you serious? Hmm

cabingirl · 19/08/2021 16:01

If I were you and I wanted to support my DH in his 'hobby' while also keeping my child safe in a vehicle with seatbelts and myself out of pain I would simply insist that you take a second car out for these trips.

Your DH gets to drive his passion vehicle and the rest of you can take part in the 'hobby' once it's stationary again - presumably picnics and camping, car shows etc.

I would not get in a vehicle like that if it was causing me pain and I would not let my DD travel in a vintage car without seatbelts being driven in what sounds like an aggressive and somewhat dangerous way by the driver.

You asked in your OP how we would approach this - that's what I would do.

Your DP is not taking your pain levels seriously because you are getting in the car. You suspect it will impact the relationship if you don't get in the car but you don't know that yet. You do know you will be in pain.

tribpot · 19/08/2021 16:01

I think what's concerning is that you think if the relationship ends because you refuse to have pain inflicted on you, that's somehow your fault, OP.

I think my instinct is largely to downplay injuries and pain because after all there’s nothing anyone can do
But there is something he can do. Several things, if he's also driving like a wanker over potholes in the regular car. I hope for your sake you never become as ill as my DH, where every bump is currently intolerably painful.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 19/08/2021 16:03

Put your foot down. You'll happily go to the car shows/auctions but you can't ride in the car anymore.

It's dangerous for you to ride in an unsupportive seat. Alternatively, can you get a car seat that will strap into the old seatbelt that will mimic a real car seat?