DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

[Rootvegseason]

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

Let him drive on his own. He is entitled to pursue his hobby, but he is not entitled to leave you in pain.

It's as simple as that - you just need to refuse to get into the car.

Hi OP

I get exactly what you mean. It's lovely that he wants to do nice things and include you in your hobby. And I get that you probably want to. But it's too painful! I'm in a similar situation. Mines rheumatoid arthritis. And I'm on gooooood medication which keeps the severe pains at bay. But something simple like getting in DHs car instead of mine can leave me in agony. And his motor is only an old van!

All I can think of is maybe asking him if he'd consider putting suspension or Better wheels or something like that on the car to be more adaptable? Sorry I haven't a clue about cars.

Like a compromise as you do really want to go do these things together. Yet you don't want to be left in agony afterwards. Get him to meet you half way

Just don't do it?!

Would something like this work OP? It will make the car far more supportive.

www.crelling.com/model-19.html#ad-image-0

Also - he's not doing it accidentally!

You have told him it causes you pain. Repeatedly. But he still insists you come out driving in this car.

That's not an accident, he's just completely careless / reckless regarding your injury. He's not bothered.

Our child is in the back @EmmaGrundyForPM - that’s one of the main reasons I’m there. Also if there was an accident chances are the people in the front would be killed and I am not ready to leave this mortal world plus don’t want to leave ds an orphan grin (dramatic, me?)

Tbh it doesn’t exactly sound safe for your DS! Is it as safe for him as a ‘modern’ car? If not, why do you let him in it?

Both DH and I have always had very up to date cars but I have always had the big 4x4/SUV’s and DH smaller cars generally just to get about himself, albeit with top safety ratings. We wouldn’t even take DC’s in DH’s cars unless mine was unavailable for some reason. Fucked if I would have put them in an old car with no/limited safety features and that’s from someone who treated people in car accidents for a few decades. It’s really negligent actually just for the sake of jolly’ing your DH along.

If he wants to go out for lunch, why don’t you simply say great, meet you in my car in 30mins. If there is a fuss say, ‘that’s fine I’ll take DS in my car and meet you at (lunch venue) at 12pm, see you there’. Protects you, protects DS. Too easy.

What sort of seating is it in the back Op?

In the Commer that we had it was effectively just two benches in the back with not belts at all.

Generally we sat facing forwards with feet up on them!

OP, I honestly think the huge majority of people replying to this post aren't being horrible, they are just massively puzzled - I cannot imagine being in a relationship where my DH would ignore the fact I was in pain, keep insisting I do something with him that caused me pain and where I could not easily communicate with him on the issues without fear of the relationship ending.
Seriously. The forthright responses aren't rude or horrible (well, most of them!) just clear, straightforward communication, which to be honest it sounds like you need to utilise yourself.

You cannot/should not prioritise your DHs 'feelings' over your physical well being, no matter how 'passionate' he feels about it. And what if this causes more long term issues with your back? Your DS will be impacted by having his poor Mum in pain even more.

And if you don't think your relationship will last if you DON'T go with him...well, that's a very strange deal breaker isn't it? "Please put yourself in pain, regularly for me, or it's over"

Honestly, not trying to have a poke at you - you need to put yourself first (physically and mentally) in this situation.

It’s really easy. Don’t go. Not an issue and no longer a problem.

I get this but from the other side if you see what I mean. DH has chronic allergies - hayfever. I love walking, being in the open air, gardening, so does he - but for 6 months of the year he pays dreadfully for it the next day.

So our life is curtailed somewhat by this. I do stuff on my own or with friends - but if we go together there's a whole lot of 'I'm so suffering with hayfever today because of that walk'...

It's a pain in the arse to be honest - but I try and be sympathetic and not put him in situations where it's bad.

In your shoes I'd be thinking you 2 should be able to talk and put your heads together to find a solution that involved selling the van and buying something with great suspension that he drives carefully, you feel safe in, and comfortable in = and staying in hotels.

He drives a bit hard? Is that code for he drives way too fast and is dangerous behind the wheel?

Also remember that as he gets older, your DS will see all of this going on. It's going to give him some very strange ideas about relationships.

Typically, boys who see their fathers hurting their mothers, as a long-term norm in the relationship, start off being massively protective towards the mother (usually their primary carer) as a child. This can be accompanied by horrible feelings of helplessness, as they are unable to protect her. They can remain protective as teens and adults, or they can swing the other way and revel in their own male privilege and power, as carelessly and selfishly as their father did. Because that's what they think is normal.

You say your DH is not doing this to you deliberately but the pain is real and your DS is going to see that, even if your doesn't / you don't choose to make it clear to your DH.

@girlmom21

208 comments in and nobody's clarified whether they can just get seatbelts

Effectively, they're either sitting side on to the front on a long wooden box bolted to the side of the van, possibly with some old foam as a 'cushion/bed' with a child either sitting unsecured on the bench with her or in a car seat dumped on the floor or they've got two old school minibus type seats with at most a lap belt attached precariously to a likely rotten and rusted floor pan.

Men do seem to fetishise these vehicles most of all. Possibly because they're the vehicles they lost their virginity in - or thought they could have done as they would have magically changed from spotty little oiks to tanned and muscled surfer dudes when they got in the driving seat, if only they hadn't been stuck with borrowing their Mum's Corsa at the weekends.

The 'lifestyle' rarely extends to include comfort and safety for wives and children because that just isn't part of The Dream.

Causing yourself pain to placate your DP is ridiculous. If not riding in a bloody vehicle is enough to break your relationship, you haven't really got one to begin with. What terrible 'implications' could possibly arise for DS just because you're not with his Dad? You're making it more dramatic than it needs to be. Simply don't get in the car. He'll have to suck it up.

My DH used to have a low slung two seater sports car. Being in it really hurt my hips because of the seat position. I told him I wasn't going in it after the first few times and I never did. He accepted it and took it out on his own after that. Eventually he got bored with it and sold it. It never became an issue between us as he accepted it hurt me and that was that.

OP- I would just tell him that his car hurts you so you are no longer willing to travel in it. Then just don't ever get in it ever again.

id bring it up to him by saying, next time he asks, "no, im not going, its really doing my back in", and then when he says "ahh youre just being dramatic", you say "no, im not, its fucking painful and miserable for me and youre not listening, and every time you say youll be careful, youre not, so you go ahead, but im not doing it anymore. Get a more modern and comfortable campervan and ill come with you, but im not going in that heap of shit again"

If you dont actually stand up for yourself, then he will continue to guilt you into doing something that is damaging your actual back

Hi Op.

I have had a similar situation. I am physically disabled following an accident, and my DH struggled to understand the implications.

What helped for me:

1 writing a sentence that I then used repeatedly if he asked me to go out somewhere in the car. Mine was - I find that very painful, I'd be happy to try to find ways to make it less painful, but at the moment it doesn't work for me.
This allows open the possibility of changes that might make the activity possible, while making clear you aren't prepared to do the activity with out changes

2 brainstorming some possible changes that might help, for me the problem was my foot, so I said we can try getting a cushion for my foot, we can try a special support boot, we can try putting custom foam in the footwell etc. I said I was prepared to trial alternatives on a short drive where we both monitored pain.

3 my DH wasn't keen to make any of those changes so I encouraged him to go with other people/go solo.

4 over the course of about 4 years he did repeatedly ask me to go with him, but I just used the same sentence each time, and then said I was happy to trial mitigation measures.

5 it was about 4 years before he got bored enough of going on his own/ran out of other people to inflict it on, and then he was prepared to trial various foot rests etc. We're now in a position where it isn't too painful for me and I'm prepared to do short trips, but some of the time I still say no.

Please feel free to pm me for advice, chronic pain is not simple, and it can be a complex process trying to work out a way to minimise pain so you can still be involved in a family activity (if you want to be).

Sounds like you have a DH problem not a VW problem.
Perhaps getting some support on strengthening your boundaries.
Counselling, meditation, self help books.
Does the Situ with dp echo your family dynamic growing up, perhaps your parents didn’t listen to you ?
I can’t imagine making my dp do something I knew hurt them….. so why is yours ok with it?
Second re the messages DS is getting too.
No fast fix here.

I have a bad back and we have various vintage vehicles, but I never go in them. It's that easy! Honestly, don't be a martyr.

Effectively, they're either sitting side on to the front on a long wooden box bolted to the side of the van, possibly with some old foam as a 'cushion/bed' with a child either sitting unsecured on the bench with her or in a car seat dumped on the floor or they've got two old school minibus type seats with at most a lap belt attached precariously to a likely rotten and rusted floor pan.

Appreciate not the point of the thread but is this legal? @NeverDropYourMoonCup

You drive in your comfie modern car, he drives in vintage car, and you meet at proposed destination?

OP you are a grown woman and not a damsel in distress who can’t possibly help herself. Just don’t go and if your relationship does not survive because of it, you never had a solid relationship to start with.

Stop thinking of yourself as a helpless damsel in distress.

He's deliberately ignoring the fact his hobby van isn't suitable for family life.

You need to make very clear that you are in pain- not in the van, don't even get in the van, the rest of the time. Do a lot of 'I can't do x, my back is playing up.' 'I wish I could y, but my back's killing me'.

I think we almost train ourselves to play down our pain, because we don't want to spoil someone else's fun. He isn't bothering to ask how you are, you need to tell him. At great length. Not to do with the van.

I have back issues. I can't manage a full size trolley at the supermarket. I need to rest part way through many jobs, especially putting shopping away. I've had to acknowledge that and stop minimising. Life is much better now I plan with my back injury taken into account!

I think he's showing you who he is and you need to listen. You've told him you're in pain and he brushes it off. You think if you don't participate in his hobby then your relationship will suffer. That's so unfair! He's showing you he doesn't care about you and you deserve better. I hope you find the strength to realise this and get rid of someone who disregards your health so much.

Can I suggest??

I suffer from all over body chronic pain. This would be agony for me. Sitting in a set position causes a lot of issues. Your husband is being an arse. As others have said, you should never go in it again and mean it.