DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

[Rootvegseason]

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

I honestly don't think you should get in the van again.

If you want a compromise for the sake of your relationship (and to keep your DC safe) I think the only option is you drive your normal car to whatever destination you are going to and enjoy the van there for all its stationary qualities.

I'm not criticising you for finding it hard to set that boundary or calling you a martyr. In fact, I wish there was something I could do to help you get that done.

@Rootvegseason

Haha fair enough *@DifficultBloodyWoman* but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

Oh you do .

My dad (well family but he drove it!) had one of these back in the late 80's/ early 90's and the main reason the poor sod got stuck with me, my sister and cousin in the back on our camping trips to Dorset is for the sheer fact we loved bouncing about the back, sliding along the seats on the hills and screaming with delight. 🤣

I don’t know, Babylon. Didn’t want to be a drama queen, didn’t want to ruin a family day out, didn’t want to have to have a shouted conversation while ds was asleep (not in anger but you can only hear one another if you shout - another reason I’m not keen tbh) - I don’t know. But I didn’t.

I’m not afraid of him but it is pointless talking about some stuff, he won’t get it and you just end up going round in circles.

I completely understand your issues OP. As a fellow back pain sufferer I can’t accompany DH on bike rides. He mentions it from time to time, but I’ve stuck to my guns and will always repeat that it hurts me too much so he is quite at liberty to go alone, but that I won’t ever be going with him. If he says that I used to be happy to ride with him I say that I’m older now and my back pain is worse. That shuts him up. It is upsetting when your partner doesn’t seem to care enough that certain things cause you pain and that your need not to get hurt overrides his wants 😬

Is it maybe because you're sending him mixed messages?

Telling him it it's not good for your back one minute and climbing in the next?

That'd give me the impression that someone is having a bit of a moan rather than it being a serious issue.

Maybe it'll take you refusing to for him to realise how serious it is for you?

It's a bit like saying jamming your fingers in the door hurts then standing there and jamming your fingers in the door

I haven’t been clear enough about my back pain, I will admit that.

Generally it is limited to a bit of a scream when we hit a particularly bad pothole, or when he stops abruptly and I go flying forwards. (What IS the appeal of these blasted things?) But I know people endlessly going on about aches and pains is draining so I don’t. I probably need to.

If it is pointless talking about stuff (because he isn’t taking any notice of what you need and what is important to you) - then just stop trying to justify what is important to you. Just don’t get in the car. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

@Rootvegseason

I don’t know, Babylon. Didn’t want to be a drama queen, didn’t want to ruin a family day out, didn’t want to have to have a shouted conversation while ds was asleep (not in anger but you can only hear one another if you shout - another reason I’m not keen tbh) - I don’t know. But I didn’t.

I’m not afraid of him but it is pointless talking about some stuff, he won’t get it and you just end up going round in circles.

I'm sorry, it sucks

Ignoring DH for a minute - it sounds like you are having trouble accepting that your back pain means there are some things you will be simply unable to do, and that means there will be limits on what activities you can all do together, and those limits are directly there as a result of your back pain.

That. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

It's not your fault.

Life has just dealt you a shit hand with this and you have everyone's sympathy on here for it, really. But pushing yourself, pushing because you feel misplaced guilt at being the limiting factor, that's going to break you in the long run.

You need what you need, and you can't help that. So please state what you need - it's a fact - and stop giving yourself a hard time about needing it.

If DH is still not listening, then you know you have bigger issues still.

(I bet DS bloody hates it too!)

It doesn’t, though. Mostly I don’t even know it’s an issue, but something random can mean it flares up again and when it does it hurts for quite a while then gradually goes, until next time. Usually once a year.

It’s about managing the relationship - given that I’ve indicated this isn’t the only issue - when something that’s hugely important to him is something I can’t access.

Granted you may not want to given some of the responses here, but I think if you could explain the other issues in the relationship it would help.

I think we can infer from what you have said is that your DP doesn't listen to you, minimises your feelings, and that it's somehow important in the dynamic of this relationship that you do what he wants even if you don't want to and it causes you pain.

It does feel like you're fearful of the consequences of saying flat out no to any more rides in the camper van. So how will he react? What impact will it have on the relationship?

It's difficult to know how to advise you as it's not clear if you find it hard to stand up for yourself or whether he will bulldoze you regardless of what you say.

One thing to think about is that although he might prefer to do this with you, he can still do it without you.

It's not as if you are preventing him from his "hobby".

I can see the point of the posters saying that if you don't say flat out no, DH will not believe/understand the extent to which it's painful. As long as you keep getting in the van he thinks you're ok. I suspect he is not the kind of personality that would ever do something he didn't want to or caused him pain, so he would never fathom that someone else might put up with severe discomfort to keep the peace.

The only way he will ever understand how much it hurts you is by blank refusal to go.

Rootvegseason my husband had a classic car some years ago, a convertible. I managed to slip two discs and was in considerable pain all the time. He persuaded me to take a road trip up to the Highlands, saying 'well you'll just be sitting down, won't you'. And it was agony. So when we got to the hotel I was almost crying with pain, and also realised I'd been downplaying the pain, so as not to be a moaner, so I laid it on thick and it finally got through to him. He thought I just had a bit of a 'sore neck', so sometimes you really have to lay it down in strong terms.
Wishing you all the best, and hope you get something sorted.

Honestly OP, your DP does not sound that nice tbh.

Sorry.

Cant imagine my DH giving such a minimal shit about an old injury of mine.

And the campervan sounds like my worst nightmare tbh.

Ive no suggestions but you have my sympathy.

And it does sound like you're really scared to rock the boat tbh.

@TatianaBis

I can see the point of the posters saying that if you don't say flat out no, DH will not believe/understand the extent to which it's painful. As long as you keep getting in the van he thinks you're ok. I suspect he is not the kind of personality that would ever do something he didn't want to or caused him pain, so he would never fathom that someone else might put up with severe discomfort to keep the peace.

The only way he will ever understand how much it hurts you is by blank refusal to go.

This is very wise.

If you’re the type of person who spends a lot of time thinking about your actions, their effect on other people etc then you are expecting everyone to be like you.

In the same way your DH is expecting everyone to be like him - practical, solution-focused, and yes, a bit self-centred.

If you love him and want your relationship to last, you need to get more comfortable with his way of communication - outright putting yourself first. You also need to somewhat let go of the desire for him to be more like you, on the basis that you can only realistically change yourself.

If that feels like a dealbreaker- and it would be fine if it was, you don’t have to spend your life with someone you feel doesn’t value your emotions/put you first without prompting - then you know this relationship is never going to be worth saving.

I get the sense that this thread is a little like your conversations with your husband- you don’t want us to say don’t get in the van, or offer practical solutions, you want us to validate your emotions around him not seeming to instinctively put you first/notice.

You need to get comfortable with the idea of saying to your husband: Stop - you’re not listening to me. I don’t want you to give me solutions, I want you to acknowledge my opinion/pain/emotions.

I’m not sure that all of that is entirely fair, Squirrels, but I am sensing an agenda which I’m not completely comfortable with.

@Rootvegseason

It doesn’t, though. Mostly I don’t even know it’s an issue, but something random can mean it flares up again and when it does it hurts for quite a while then gradually goes, until next time. Usually once a year.

OK then - massively giving your DP the benefit of the doubt here - if it's only popping up once a year, and you're not being explicit about how bad it is, and you're going along in the VW anyway, I can kind of see why your DH might not realise how bad it is.

However

There is obviously a lot of other stuff going on because while that sounds extremely painful and annoying I'm not sure you'd be on here if the only issue was that once a year for a few weeks(?) your back was too painful to go out in the van but your DH didn't seem to realise how bad. (Not meaning to belittle your pain with that comment).

Do you feel able to share some of the other issues that you mentioned? I'm guessing they are all connected and basically boil down to you not feeling heard in the relationship and him being the ultimate decision maker?

@Rootvegseason

I’m not sure that all of that is entirely fair, Squirrels, but I am sensing an agenda which I’m not completely comfortable with.

I’m not helping - fair enough. Will step away. No agenda, I promise.

Jesus Christ I can't believe what I'm reading

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GO WITH HIM

He's not injuring you if you know it hurts your being stupid doing it

@Rootvegseason

I haven’t been clear enough about my back pain, I will admit that.

Generally it is limited to a bit of a scream when we hit a particularly bad pothole, or when he stops abruptly and I go flying forwards. (What IS the appeal of these blasted things?) But I know people endlessly going on about aches and pains is draining so I don’t. I probably need to.

What is the appeal of these blasted things?

I don't know 🤷‍♀️ but you need to grow a pair and just say sorry I'm not coming anymore
What's so difficult about that?

I think you’ve skipped a post mate, not a beat.

@Rootvegseason

I don’t know, Babylon. Didn’t want to be a drama queen, didn’t want to ruin a family day out, didn’t want to have to have a shouted conversation while ds was asleep (not in anger but you can only hear one another if you shout - another reason I’m not keen tbh) - I don’t know. But I didn’t.

I’m not afraid of him but it is pointless talking about some stuff, he won’t get it and you just end up going round in circles.

oh he has you tamed doesn't he?

Have you asked him to have rear seatbelts or restraints fitted? Or is he like my ex and won't do it because it's not an original fitting?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result (said Einstein). He was a very clever man, maybe knew what he was talking about.
Stop justifying yourself to someone who isn’t listening, just don’t get in the car.