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Original poster

His best friend is female...

172 replies

EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 13:39

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

OP posts:
dakalo · 17/08/2021 13:42

Had there ever been any dating between them in the past ?

Touloser · 17/08/2021 13:43

" I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do" -- tell them to mind their own business.

It is perfectly normal, natural and healthy to have friendships with people of the opposite sex.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 17/08/2021 13:44

If they were meant to be together then they would be since you are only together 8 months.
But I know it would hurt me a lot if dh was friends with a woman like this.

HollowTalk · 17/08/2021 13:44

I would want to be his best female friend myself. I wouldn't be happy if he thought of someone else in that way.

Original poster
EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 13:48

@dakalo
No, they have never dated.
Been on holiday together a few times.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 17/08/2021 13:49

@HollowTalk

I would want to be his best female friend myself. I wouldn't be happy if he thought of someone else in that way.
But best friends develop. This is a relationship of years vs one of 8 months and presumably, built upon different foundations. At what point do you insist the change happens? And what does that look like? A pulling away from the friendship? A reframing of it? A declaration?

My closest friend is male and we've been in each other's pockets for 36yrs. I don't need the same thing from friendships as I do from my romantic relationship.

It's not common perhaps but platonic relationships are nothing to fear.

Stigofthedump40 · 17/08/2021 13:54

Ah come on.. he is a man. He has always fancied her but she wasnt interested so she keeps him as a friend

Touloser · 17/08/2021 13:56

Some of these comments are seriously Hmm

People of the opposite sex can have things in common without having any romantic connection - what a revelation!

I would never be in a relationship where my partner dictated who I could or could not see on the basis of their gender.

Original poster
EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 14:01

@Touloser
I agree, it is other people going on about it that has started to niggle at me.

OP posts:
5128gap · 17/08/2021 14:05

I wouldn't like this. I also wouldn't buy into the idea that because nothing happened before it never would. Sometimes friends take ages to become more, due to timing, life stages etc. but get there in the end. Sometimes they don't. Problem is, I wouldn't know which was going to be the case. But I'd accept there was nothing I could do about it, as it pre dated me, and I wouldn't think it fair to even try. But I'd know the relationship wouldn't be for me.

NotWanting · 17/08/2021 14:14

If they wanted to be together they would be.

EarthSight · 17/08/2021 14:24

He has the right to be best friends with a woman, but you also have the right to define what kind of relationship you want to be in, and what kind of people and complexities you bring into your life.

Do you really want to be with a man who seems to have two women in his life instead of one? A might who might divulge all the details of your relationship to the other woman because they're best friends?

Treetops73 · 17/08/2021 14:28

Of course men and women can be platonic friends. I have several male friends and no desire to get romantic with any of them. As PP have said, your BF and his friend have had plenty of time to get together if they wanted to.

Don’t let your friends’ insecurities damage your relationship with someone who sounds great.

Amithatbad1 · 17/08/2021 14:44

Seriously???
I can't believe some of the comments on here!
One of my best friends is male and there's no physical attraction there at all!
I love him to bits, been friends for over 15 years, we have a great time together, shared interests but we would never work as a couple.He's like a brother to me.
And so what if he shares details of your relationship with her? How is that any different to him sharing details with a male best friend? Or you discussing your relationship with female best friends?

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 14:45

They've known eachother for years so I think its fine. However, I would like to meet her. And there have to be some boundaries out of respect. Eg: he cant hang over at her house on their own. Out to lunch together though I think is fine.

But, always trust your gut.

Amithatbad1 · 17/08/2021 14:45
  • He's like a brother to me.
Turkishangora · 17/08/2021 15:05

Nothing wrong with close female/male platonic friendships. How is she with you op? Is she friendly and welcoming? Does she respect the boundaries of your relationship ie not too intrusive etc?

I say this as when I met DH his best mate was a woman. I didn't really like her a a person thought she was selfish and childish but I wasn't jealous in anyway. She, however was jealous and spiteful towards me, she hated not having him at her beck and call and her behaviour on nights out was intolerable.. Always some kind of "incident" that DH had to rescue her from. Eventually I said I didn't mind him seeing her at all, but I wouldn't be joining. Their friendship drifted and he no longer sees her, I think men can be a bit lazy about putting the social effort in sometimes.

Conversely I had a male close friend, he met his wife and she arranged their lives very carefully so he rarely saw any of his friends but especially me. He admitted she wanted to keep him away from me. Rarely see him now as again, he's just let her take the lead with their lives and is too lazy to make any effort independently. I know of a few couples like this actually, man meets woman, woman doesn't like his friends, woman then takes charge so man becomes increasingly distant from friends often moving miles away. It's very controlling.

SilverRoe · 17/08/2021 15:25

What are things like generally with your friends and his friends - have you met his friends and has he met yours? And, if so, does this include meeting his best friend? Because seems nothing wrong to me if you’re all able to meet and hang out at times, but if he only sees her 1-1 and you’re never invited to meet her etc then i’d be a little uncomfortable.

Seriously79 · 17/08/2021 15:59

My DP best friend is female and she's amazing! They have been best friends for over 20 years, they used to work together and have been on holiday loads of times.

She's married, and the 4 of us and kids don't meet up nearly often enough as we should.

She is going to be DPs best person at our wedding next year, and I couldn't think of anyone better for the job.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/08/2021 16:50

And there have to be some boundaries out of respect. Eg: he cant hang over at her house on their own.

I couldn’t be bothered being in a relationship with a man who couldn’t manage to stop his penis falling into another woman the moment he’s allowed to be alone with her. Not much of a prize, is it, to have bagged a man whose sexual urges can only be controlled this way? Why do so many women set their bar so low?

OP, I think that wandering into somebody’s life and then, after a matter of months, wanting them to change friendships they’ve had for years in unreasonable. You’ve known about his friend from the start, if it’s something you’re too insecure about to get over then the right thing to do is move on and find somebody likeminded who doesn’t think that people should have friends of the opposite sex, not try to make somebody who doesn’t alter their friendships.

FOJN · 17/08/2021 17:10

I don't know if this will be helpful. My best friend is male and an ex. He's been dating someone for a few months now, thankfully she's very laid back about it. We were in a support bubble and both single through lockdown, there was never a hint of rekindling our relationship. I have no interest in a relationship with him or anyone else. He's my family, I love him to bits and I'm really happy he's met someone who seems to treat him well. He does not discuss intimate details of their relationship and I would never dream of asking intrusive questions. We cook each other lunch or dinner 2-3 times a month, speak in the phone about once a week and occasionally text.

GintyMcGinty · 17/08/2021 17:12

You either trust him or you don't.

If you don't the relationship is doomed.

If you carry on this way - trying to pick his friends then the relationship is also probably doomed.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 17/08/2021 17:18

Of course men and women can just be friends. However, even though I know it is ridiculous, I would not be happy with man I was in a relationship with being best friends with a woman.

I was with a man who was close friends with a woman and if I'm honest, it was part of the reason I broke up with him. I'm fine with male and female friends meeting socially in a group but not one to one. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/08/2021 17:20

You say they've been on holiday a few times together - are they planning on still doing that now you're in the picture?

That would be a bit weird for me although I'm a firm believer that male/female friendships can be completely platonic.

gannett · 17/08/2021 17:29

[quote EmKayEm]@Touloser
I agree, it is other people going on about it that has started to niggle at me.[/quote]
Your problem is these "other people" and their narrow-minded, retrograde views about men and women being friends.

And there have to be some boundaries out of respect. Eg: he cant hang over at her house on their own.

If DP had ever tried to tell me I could or couldn't hang out at my friends' houses on my own with them I'd have laughed him all the way out of my own house. What absolute nonsense.

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