His best friend is female...

[EmKayEm]

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

It's really quite rare for a man to want a woman as a friend without wanting more. And if she's very attractive he will be thinking about sleeping with her.

I certainly wouldn't be happy about bimonthly dinners. It's just not appropriate and it means he's disrespectful to your feelings.

Holidays together? I'd be very surprised if they haven't slept together at some point.

And I say this because I've actually been in her position.

Holidays together? I'd be very surprised if they haven't slept together at some point.

I can't believe people actually think like this! It's perfectly possible to go on holiday with someone and not shag them.

I'm bisexual, am I allowed to go on holiday with any of my friends? Or call any of them a best friend? See them without my partner there?

@Itsnotover

It's really quite rare for a man to want a woman as a friend without wanting more. And if she's very attractive he will be thinking about sleeping with her.

I certainly wouldn't be happy about bimonthly dinners. It's just not appropriate and it means he's disrespectful to your feelings.

Holidays together? I'd be very surprised if they haven't slept together at some point.

And I say this because I've actually been in her position.

It really isn’t rare at all. Just because you slept with your male friends doesn’t mean other women do.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Holidays together? I'd be very surprised if they haven't slept together at some point.

I can't believe people actually think like this! It's perfectly possible to go on holiday with someone and not shag them.

I'm bisexual, am I allowed to go on holiday with any of my friends? Or call any of them a best friend? See them without my partner there?

No. Clearly you need to live like an anchorite your whole life in case you accidentally fall onto your friends’ genitals.

It's funny how the responses are completely different when someone posts about their husband and a woman at work who's very attractive etc.

Men usually fancy women who are objectively very attractive. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

And I've not said that I 'fell onto' my friends genitalia but it certainly does get complicated.

I'm bisexual, am I allowed to go on holiday with any of my friends? Or call any of them a best friend? See them without my partner there?

Bimonthly dinners seem inappropriate to me.

And I've not said that I 'fell onto' my friends genitalia but it certainly does get complicated.

Maybe for you, it really doesn't for plenty of other people!

@Itsnotover

It's funny how the responses are completely different when someone posts about their husband and a woman at work who's very attractive etc.

Men usually fancy women who are objectively very attractive. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

And I've not said that I 'fell onto' my friends genitalia but it certainly does get complicated.

That may be your experience, but I can assure you it’s far from universal.

@Itsnotover

I'm bisexual, am I allowed to go on holiday with any of my friends? Or call any of them a best friend? See them without my partner there?

Bimonthly dinners seem inappropriate to me.

With any of my friends? Because I'm bisexual?

Or can a straight woman have a bimonthly dinner with another straight woman who is their friend?

It is just that they are very in-jokey, so are difficult to be around - they have so many esoteric references it is impossible to keep up -

In a group of 3 where 2 people have known each other a long time this kind of thing is inevitable regardless of the sex or nature of the relationships between the 3.

However if a lot of the conversation is dominated with their shared history then that will naturally exclude you and for them not to notice this and try to include you more is rude and selfish.

As for Latin in-jokes, FFS, that would exclude more than 90% of the population and demonstrates a complete lack of class even if they think it indicates otherwise.

Or can a straight woman have a bimonthly dinner with another straight woman who is their friend?

No idea what your point is here. But men and women approach relationships differently and think differently. And it's disingenuous to state otherwise.

I'm not saying they shouldn't be friends any more but I do think the Op is reasonable to not like the bimonthly dinners.

@Itsnotover

Or can a straight woman have a bimonthly dinner with another straight woman who is their friend?

No idea what your point is here. But men and women approach relationships differently and think differently. And it's disingenuous to state otherwise.

You have some weirdly entrenched ideas about men.

@Itsnotover

I'm not saying they shouldn't be friends any more but I do think the Op is reasonable to not like the bimonthly dinners.

So you think that anyone of either sex who forms a new relationship should ditch their old friends? Or only men with female friends?

It really doesn’t make a lot of sense of expect someone to retire a friendship of (possibly) decades for the sake of a relationship of a few months, which may not last. I’d also find it deeply odd if someone accepted being dropped every time their friend started a new romantic relationship. How poor would your sense of self/esteem have to be to be someone’s default friend only when single?

I’d also find it deeply odd if someone accepted being dropped every time their friend started a new romantic relationship. How poor would your sense of self/esteem have to be to be someone’s default friend only when single?

That's not what I said though was it?

@Itsnotover

Or can a straight woman have a bimonthly dinner with another straight woman who is their friend?

No idea what your point is here. But men and women approach relationships differently and think differently. And it's disingenuous to state otherwise.

My point was that you said it would be inappropriate for me to have bimonthly dinners with a friend after I asked if I could do so seeing as I was bisexual.

I was interested to know whether you think it's inappropriate for any friends (for example two straight women) to have bimonthly dinners, or whether you think it would be inappropriate of me to do so based on the fact I'm bisexual.

Could you explain what you meant?

You can think what you like and consider my opinions to be 'entrenched' but I'm entitled to them all the same

Could you explain what you meant?

I already did. I said that ime men and women tend to approach relationships differently. And think about them differently.

@Itsnotover

I’d also find it deeply odd if someone accepted being dropped every time their friend started a new romantic relationship. How poor would your sense of self/esteem have to be to be someone’s default friend only when single?

That's not what I said though was it?

It’s the logical outcome of your notion that all men want to sleep with their female friends, hence the OP is reasonable to object to her boyfriend’s friendship — either men are simply not allowed female friends at all, by some law, or they ditch them once they get a girlfriend.

My partners best friend is female, I wish I wasn't so sceptical at first she's one of my best friends now and we're pregnant at the same time, she was single when me and my partner met and now she's got a lovely partner who me and my partner get along with really well too. Never not trust until somebody gives you reason not to (easier said than done I know) x

@Stigofthedump40

Ah come on.. he is a man. He has always fancied her but she wasnt interested so she keeps him as a friend

What utter general sexist crap.

Are you saying every man that says anything to you fancies you?

I have to tell you - they don't.

Everyone's opinions on something like this will be based on their own experiences.

Mine are not just based on my own, but on those of my fairly widespread and international circle of friends, most of whom have uncomplicated opposite-sex friendships, and of my own DH, who has close longterm female friends.

Really the idea of a social group that isn't mixed-sex is very strange to me. I'm part of a fair few social circles and all of them involve both men and women, straight and otherwise, and any given occasion will feature any combination of them, and any of them are likely to go for a meal or to a gig or show as a pair. Sometimes regularly. Even bimonthly. Also, a lot of these people have slept together back in our distant youths, and some even were in relationships for years before ending up with different people.

Some of my social circles are alternative and queer where this sort of thing is the norm but all the above is even true of my most normative, heterosexual, all-now-married-with-kids group. And to my knowledge no one has ever had a problem with any of it.

The people who object to opposite-sex friendships never, ever answer the "but what about bisexual people?" question, do they.

@daisychain01

She is single, no children, and very attractive.

Such a coincidence that these men never seem to have "best friends" who are unattractive, with kids and with someone.

Just saying....

My best friend happens to be a man - I've a DH, 3 kids, and overweight with major skin issues.