Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His best friend is female...

172 replies

EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 13:39

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/08/2021 13:05

I understand people saying that M/F platonic relationships are possible, and that this has been their experience, but not the extrapolation that this therefore means OP has nothing to worry about. For every example of a platonic friendship there will be at least one other of friendship becoming a relationship, one party (usually the man) suddenly declaring feelings, friendship used as a cover to hide an affair in plain sight, or an emotional affair dressed up as 'my best friend who understands me'. All of these situations appear on these threads with depressing regularity, yet people who themselves haven't experienced this with their own male friend dismiss any caution around it as insecurity, or suggest that posters who have different experiences are somehow lacking 'just because you aren't capable of a platonic friendship..' etc. When in reality for a relationship to be truly platonic (in thought and desire as well as practise) requires neither party to find the other attractive. If the people involved are attractive, as well as getting on well enough to be 'best friends' I'd say there is a risk. And no amount of experiences of friendships that are platonic changes that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/08/2021 13:11

@Itsnotover

Could you explain what you meant?

I already did. I said that ime men and women tend to approach relationships differently. And think about them differently.

Which is why I asked if it would still be inappropriate for me to have bimonthly dinners with a female friend, based on the fact I'm bisexual?
Peach01 · 18/08/2021 13:27

How much is it bothering you? Does it overpower all of his good qualities?

I don't think it matters how many people tell you it's okay. If you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable.
You would need to be accepting of this friendship unless there's any damaging behaviours arising from it. It's been established before you came along and other than her being female it's not a cause for concern. You'd need to like it, lump it or leave.

therocinante · 18/08/2021 13:33

@gannett

Really the idea of a social group that isn't mixed-sex is very strange to me. I'm part of a fair few social circles and all of them involve both men and women, straight and otherwise, and any given occasion will feature any combination of them, and any of them are likely to go for a meal or to a gig or show as a pair. Sometimes regularly. Even bimonthly. Also, a lot of these people have slept together back in our distant youths, and some even were in relationships for years before ending up with different people.

Some of my social circles are alternative and queer where this sort of thing is the norm but all the above is even true of my most normative, heterosexual, all-now-married-with-kids group. And to my knowledge no one has ever had a problem with any of it.

The people who object to opposite-sex friendships never, ever answer the "but what about bisexual people?" question, do they.

MN is notoriously weird about bisexuality. I've read some really weird threads where all the usual stereotypes come out and I'm left wondering if everyone on here thinks I'm a sex obsessed, sneaky, greedy attention seeker... who apparently now isn't allowed friends either aha.
Anon778833 · 18/08/2021 14:02

Bisexuality is completely irrelevant. If you're a bisexual woman you still think like a woman.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/08/2021 14:19

@Itsnotover

I wouldn't want to be with a man I trusted so little I didn't think he was capable of having a female friend he didn't secretly want to shag.

I'm sorry if you think all men are just one attractive woman away from cheating at all times or if they can't help but think with their penises or that women who trust a male partner are mugs.

Hopefully one day you might meet a genuinely nice, platonic male friend and also a partner you trust. Both are perfectly possible!

Anon778833 · 18/08/2021 14:29

I'm sorry if you think all men are just one attractive woman away from cheating at all times or if they can't help but think with their penises or that women who trust a male partner are mugs.

That's not actually what I think about all male/female friendships . I replied based upon the context within the OP. Which seems to suggest that he spends most of his free time with this female best friend.

gannett · 18/08/2021 14:49

@Itsnotover

Bisexuality is completely irrelevant. If you're a bisexual woman you still think like a woman.
The assumption that all men and all women think in set and separate ways underlies all this nonsense. It's not borne out in my experience.

Are bisexual men allowed any friends?

Are gay men only allowed to be friends with women? There goes the entire history of the queer community up in smoke according to you.

Anon778833 · 18/08/2021 15:09

Yeah but I’m talking about straight men because I’m straight and my experiences are only of straight men. And my responses are in relation to 1. The context of the OP, 2. My own experiences and those of my female friends.

Reiningitin · 18/08/2021 15:21

Well it put me off a man I went on a couple of nice dates with. It just didn't sit right with me. Next!

yomommasmomma · 18/08/2021 15:37

@Amithatbad1

Seriously??? I can't believe some of the comments on here! One of my best friends is male and there's no physical attraction there at all! I love him to bits, been friends for over 15 years, we have a great time together, shared interests but we would never work as a couple.He's like a brother to me. And so what if he shares details of your relationship with her? How is that any different to him sharing details with a male best friend? Or you discussing your relationship with female best friends?
I bet he doesn't view you like a sister!! He can't be with you as a partner, so he has settled for friend!
ComtesseDeSpair · 18/08/2021 15:53

@Reiningitin

Well it put me off a man I went on a couple of nice dates with. It just didn't sit right with me. Next!
Which is exactly as it should be. If you know you’re too insecure / it’s not something you can accept then moving on and finding somebody who feels the same way as you is how you solve it, rather than trying to dictate or change the friendship.
bbgxd · 18/08/2021 15:57

I bet he doesn't view you like a sister!! He can't be with you as a partner, so he has settled for friend!

Quite right, just because you don't view him that way doesn't mean he won't like you back. The fact you're not interested proves nothing. A man can very well wait around for an attractive friend to be freed up or he might just be attracted to you.

Coming from someone who used to have many male friends- most would not hesitate to get in the sheets given half a chance

bbgxd · 18/08/2021 15:59

@SleepingStandingUp

Such a coincidence that these men never seem to have "best friends" who are unattractive, with kids and with someone.

Well perhaps you need the women on here with male best friends to confirm they're gorgeous, childfree and single?

Or women only complain when they think the women are the above and don't care if they're husband is bf with someone they deem unattractive who's got a partner and kids?

No, it just shows their motivation most of the time. If you're hand picking single and/or attractive female friends, that looks odd.

Ancientcistern · 18/08/2021 16:13

@Itsnotover

Yeah but I’m talking about straight men because I’m straight and my experiences are only of straight men. And my responses are in relation to 1. The context of the OP, 2. My own experiences and those of my female friends.
But you seem to say that women can be friends with the sex they are attracted to, but men can't. So who can gay and bisexual men be friends with?
Ancientcistern · 18/08/2021 16:13

@Reiningitin

Well it put me off a man I went on a couple of nice dates with. It just didn't sit right with me. Next!
Sounds like he dodged a bullet.
Ancientcistern · 18/08/2021 16:15

I bet he doesn't view you like a sister!! He can't be with you as a partner, so he has settled for friend!

@yomommasmomma

Interesting how you seem to more about the mind of a man you've never met than his best friend.

SummerWhisper · 18/08/2021 16:44

I think the issue is not their friendship, but their exclusivity. Does he lead on this or does she? That is what you need to establish. In-jokes are fine when alone with each other as that is the language of their friendship, but if a third person is in the room, it's rude, because it excludes. If he is leading on it, big red flag 🚩 as he is telling both of you who is the most important female in the room.

Viviennemary · 18/08/2021 16:50

Up to you. But it's a non starter I'd say. Get rid and leave him to his so important best pal.

yomommasmomma · 18/08/2021 16:51

@Ancientcistern

I bet he doesn't view you like a sister!! He can't be with you as a partner, so he has settled for friend!

@yomommasmomma

Interesting how you seem to more about the mind of a man you've never met than his best friend.

His 'best friend' doesn't know this because that's how he keeps it. If she knew/realised he wouldn't have her as a BFF anymore!!
Ancientcistern · 18/08/2021 17:02

His 'best friend' doesn't know this because that's how he keeps it. If she knew/realised he wouldn't have her as a BFF anymore!!

But you do? Do you know this man personally?

VulvaTeeth · 18/08/2021 17:05

This thread is fucking bizarre. I've had close male friends my entire life. I go for drinks and for dinner with them, I've been on holiday with them, I've stayed in their home when I'm visiting them. A lot of them are married or in long term relationships. Do they just all have unusually easygoing wives and girlfriends? Or, you know, one's who just trust them not to have sex with other women?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/08/2021 17:06

@yomommasmomma

Stating weird assumptions as if they are facts doesn't make them facts.

People are individuals, not homogenous groups that all behave the same based on their genitals.

HTH.

Anon778833 · 18/08/2021 17:17

The thing is, it's not really about whether this man would cheat on the OP.

It's about the fact that she surely deserves better than to be with a man who (perhaps) holds a candle for someone else.

I think some responses on this thread are because that person knows their dh has female friends and they don't want to worry.

The set of circumstances in the OP does not sound like a healthy basis for a relationship (eg exclusive jokes with the BFF)

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2021 18:12

No, it just shows their motivation most of the time. If you're hand picking single and/or attractive female friends, that looks odd but there's no evidence this is the case. If they've been friends a long time maybe she was a plain and portly teen, or she's just not his type. We have ops perspective of her being attractive not the partners