His best friend is female...

[EmKayEm]

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

Some years ago I got deeply involved with a man of 25 who'd been best buddies with a girl since they were 14 and in the same class and social groups at school. She was very tomboyish - scrubbed clean, jeans and trainers - and mad about sport so they used to go to football matches together. They looked alike and people thought they were brother and sister. I met him on a dating site, so he was actively looking for a girlfriend/lover, a role she clearly wasn't in the frame for.

He told me he saw her as a sister and had never in 11 years been remotely attracted to her. She was so boyish he didn't see her in the sexy female category at all.

Eventually he and I moved in together and they went away to Amsterdam for the weekend to watch a footie match. Whilst walking about the red light district in a group they were enticed into a live sex show, and went in for a laugh.

They both got so turned on that afterwards back at the hotel he "rogered her senseless" to use a phrase common back then.

When he confessed I was absolutely devastated. I'd totally trusted him - and her. I agreed that if there was no attraction in 11 years when they'd had thousands of opportunities to have sex, then she was a safe friend for him to have.

OTOH, what do millions of gay people do? I mean, gay men must have male friends, buddies, colleagues, mates etc. How do their partners cope knowing they are spending time with members of the sex they are attracted to?

My beat feind us a make,

Autocorrect left me high and dry there. My best friend is a male is what I meant to say. Completely platonic. Nothing to worry about.

If someone had asked me to choose between them and my male best friend they'd have been shown the door, he's been in my life for 15 years and I love him immensely.

It's up to you if you're not happy with it OP, but if you make a fuss of it, think of it this way:

• he's either going to pick her, because she's his friend/she was there first/ you've shown yourself for being insecure or jealous/he's just less arsed about you than he is her friendship/he thinks you're being ridiculous

Or

• he stops being friends with her for you, and then you're with a man who'd ditch his friends at the say so of someone else which to me shows a certain lack of integrity. Or that he thinks it's okay for a partner to dictate who their SO is friends with. Not attractive traits imo!

Where are all the men on here who have a female best friend?

We want to hear from you.

She is single, no children, and very attractive.

Such a coincidence that these men never seem to have "best friends" who are unattractive, with kids and with someone.

Just saying....

I have a very good male friend. We've been friends for about 11 years. We sometimes
Go away together for weekends. We both have partners and neither of them mind. There is genuinely no romance from either side and never has been.

My partner has a good female friend. He's going to stay with her in London tomorrow for a few nights. I don't care either.

Men and women can be friends without it being more than that.

@RantyAunty

Where are all the men on here who have a female best friend?

We want to hear from you.

My guess...He's in the friend zone. Can't imagine he'd do anything whilst he's with the OP but I strongly suspect wouldn't pass up the chance if single and the opportunity arose so to speak.

I've dated last few years. Women have these friends. Thinking about it a few of them have. It's fine if platonic but what often happens is the man goes above and beyond in the hope the female will change their mind about them. Sometimes they do. You can see what's happening it's frustrating as you know what the situation is but then you can't say anything as you'll be the one in the wrong...

@Pinkbonbon

They've known eachother for years so I think its fine. However, I would like to meet her. And there have to be some boundaries out of respect. Eg: he cant hang over at her house on their own. Out to lunch together though I think is fine.

But, always trust your gut.

Who the hell is that respecting? Because it isn’t the partner OR the friend

@daisychain01

She is single, no children, and very attractive.

Such a coincidence that these men never seem to have "best friends" who are unattractive, with kids and with someone.

Just saying....

Generally because the ones who aren't single or have children have already been forced to choose I'd guess 🤷‍♀️

Does this mean you’re just waiting for the day one of your your male friends asks to suck you off between laps of mario kart?

Or is that different somehow?

I used to have a male best friend. He’s my brother in law now. I didn’t want to shag him as a mate and I don’t want to shag him as family.

My best friend is male.
We've been best friends for 38/39 years
However if we are planning on meeting up going for drinks or dinner we obviously take our partners along.
My dp has became really good friends with my bf & often pops in if he's passing his home and I've become good friends with his long term dp
Take no notice of your friends they're causing unnecessary drama.

@todaysdilemma

For me it depends on how inclusive of you the friendship is. Do they make an effort to include you occasionally, does she make an effort to get to know you and is friendly and welcoming to you?

Or does she pretend you don't exist, and can only be around your bf without you? Is she accepting of the fact that as your relationship grows you will always be the priority, and certain aspects of their friendship will change? Btw this is unrelated to her gender, and I'd consider these questions of a same sex friend too. However, sometimes human beings can treat friendships like romantic relationships (to fill a gap) and can resent the other person moving on without them.

My bf had a female best friend who fell in the second category. I tried to befriend her but she was rude to my face, passive aggressive if he wasn't at her beck and call, would ignore me if I was hanging out with them, refused to even acknowledge me as his gf etc. Even though for a year they hung out frequently together with no interference from me - so it wasn't like I monopolised his time even. However, as our relationship grew, he got fed up of her attitude and they naturally drifted apart. It caused damage for us though, as her constant negative energy and spitefulness really drained me. I wouldn't tolerate a year of that again, and would advise anyone else to not either.

So don't judge her for being female, judge her for how she treats you. She may be a lovely person and you could form a great friendship with her too. So make an effort to get to know her. But if she makes you unwelcome, tries to cause problems between you and acts like you don't exist - then I would talk to him. Whatever you do, don't force yourself to be uncomfortable with a situation where you aren't. There is no right way to feel - trust your instincts.

Yeah this. Things are much more nuanced then just, woman friend allowed/ not allowed.

I had a male ‘friend’ when we were young. Very close friendship group. He asked me out I said no. Didn’t want to hurt him as i thought he liked me a lot more than I liked him. We stayed friends for a few years then it drifted, I was depressed and didn’t keep in touch with a lot of people.

I saw him again after I met dp, and oh my god. I wanted to be friends with him cause he’s a lovely person but I was attracted and it wouldn’t have been fair to him or dp. I didn’t ask for his number or even ask if he was seeing anyone (I was desperate to know).

I have other male friends that I have no feelings for whatsoever that’s fine.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice friendships for your relationship, sometimes you don’t.

DH has female friendships which pre date me. One of them is ex gf. He also made a female friend through an activity he did with dd. I just made friends with them too but he still sees sometimes without me although I am always invited.. But we've been together 25 years so he would probably have already gone off with them by now if that was going to happen.

Thanks for all of the replies...

It is me being silly, I think.

It is just that they are very in-jokey, so are difficult to be around - they have so many esoteric references it is impossible to keep up -

Such a coincidence that these men never seem to have "best friends" who are unattractive, with kids and with someone.

Well perhaps you need the women on here with male best friends to confirm they're gorgeous, childfree and single?

Or women only complain when they think the women are the above and don't care if they're husband is bf with someone they deem unattractive who's got a partner and kids?

@EarthSight

No *@Brimorion* , but don't you think it might be a bit strange him having such intimacy with another woman? Sometimes men do need someone to share such details with and it doesn't mean there are feelings there, but if there is a sustained, very close friendship, and if the friend is maybe attractive too, then I think a woman has every right to feel uncomfortable with that.

No, I don’t think it’s on the least strange. Two of my closest, oldest friendships are with men, and in the nicest possible way, I wouldn’t shag them if they were the last men on earth. We’ve all been single at some point during the friendships, we’ve gone away together. I know some people appear unable to conceive of male-female friendships between two people who don’t look like Quasimodo which aren’t crackling with sexual tension, but I can assure you, they exist.

@EmKayEm

Thanks for all of the replies...

It is me being silly, I think.

It is just that they are very in-jokey, so are difficult to be around - they have so many esoteric references it is impossible to keep up -

Hmm…depends if you think they’re intentionally leaving you out or not.

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

It isn't intentional, but I don't know latin, and haven't read all of the million books that they have...

@EmKayEm

Thanks for all of the replies...

It is me being silly, I think.

It is just that they are very in-jokey, so are difficult to be around - they have so many esoteric references it is impossible to keep up -

Par for the course with a lot of long-standing friendship groups regardless of gender unfortunately.

I know my DP has felt left out sometimes when around me and my friends because our conversation does tend towards shared specific interests, mutual acquaintances, shared industry talk, social media gossip. Stuff he has no knowledge of or interest in. I make the effort to steer the conversation away (and after many years so do my closest friends) because obviously it's a bit rude, but we still don't always succeed.

[quote EmKayEm]@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

It isn't intentional, but I don't know latin, and haven't read all of the million books that they have...[/quote]
Which is surely why we maintain close friendships with people who aren’t our partner - because we can’t expect one person to be everything to us, to have exactly the same interests, and to meet every single one of our needs. She’s interested in things he is, which you aren’t.

I think it's up to you to decide if this is acceptable to you or not. Personally if I had a newish BF and an old friend I wouldn't talk about in jokes all the time that would obviously leave the new person out. It sounds kind of rude to me and like at least one of them wants you to know that they have a long history that trumps your relationship.

My bf has a best friend who's female but he's explained to me that they aren't in a relationship, have never been in a relationship, and never will be. So I have to accept that.(she isn't particularly attractive though, so that helps).

It's difficult and I wouldn't like it. But I'll be honest, is the main reason you don't like it is because she's attractive? As that would be the thing that got to me, as ridiculous as it sounds.

From the other side of the coin, one of my best oldest friends is male. He is like a brother to me...or maybe more of an uncle! We go out for coffees and lunches together and just have a chat and a laugh about life and our old school friends. I value our friendship but there is absolutely nothing in it. We went to school together and people used to joke that he fancied me as a teen but that was years ago. My partner (and his family tbh) used to ask why I was friends with a man .
What made things easier is that my partner and friends became friendly and even went on a night out together. Is this a possibility?

Exactly, @ComtesseDeSpair. And these friendships help sustain our sexual/romantic relationships because we’re not trying to find absolutely everything in them if we’re well supported by friendships.