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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His best friend is female...

172 replies

EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 13:39

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2021 18:18

Im really glad suddenly I'm overweight and at best average for a fat woman. It means i don't have to assume all my male friends want to fuck me and i can enjoy spending the day with them, getting drunk, or hanging out with the kids without wondering if they're going to proposition me 🙄🤪

Hen2018 · 18/08/2021 18:50

My oldest friend is male. We went to the same uni and shared a house.

Nothing untoward has ever happened!

bbgxd · 18/08/2021 19:34

@SleepingStandingUp

No, it just shows their motivation most of the time. If you're hand picking single and/or attractive female friends, that looks odd but there's no evidence this is the case. If they've been friends a long time maybe she was a plain and portly teen, or she's just not his type. We have ops perspective of her being attractive not the partners

I was agreeing with someone who said about having specifically attractive/single friends IIRC, as in that's what all of the majority are. It's not about "it would be ok if their ugly", it is if this scenario is the case, it looks odd and looks like a man is keeping women around

I was not even talking about op specifically, just in general from personal experience. Even if the women aren't interested doesn't mean the bloke isn't, especially if they have history

I'm rambling a bit but basically

Angryattrackandtrace · 18/08/2021 19:41

My husbands best friend is female. She has, in the past, gone on holiday with him and his family and they are regularly in contact.

I don’t really like her as we are very different and I find her a bit odd and rude. But I think this is just her personality.

He’s gone to stay at hers for a few nights this week as they are going to a festival that I’m not interested in going to.

I 100% know they won’t be “up to anything”. He married me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I still don’t like her mind 😂

Ancientcistern · 18/08/2021 19:48

I think some responses on this thread are because that person knows their dh has female friends and they don't want to worry.

Or they genuinely aren't worried because they don't think all men automatically want to shag every woman they see.

CaptSkippy · 18/08/2021 19:50

OP, I recommend you go to Youtube and search for "Can men and women be friends?"

Bouledeneige · 18/08/2021 20:30

If they wanted to be together they would be.

One of my best mates is a bloke. I was his best man. We've been best mates for 45 years and both been married and had children. No one has ever been threatened by our friendship.

But it's your choice. My life would be a lot sadder without him in it.

Reiningitin · 18/08/2021 20:37

@Ancientcistern not at all, all was left on good terms, a man with a best female friend just wasn't for me. Interestingly a few months later on fb I saw they had got together. No need to be so rude.

Anon778833 · 18/08/2021 20:43

My ex husband had a best female friend for about 8 years before they became romantically involved. Theyre married now (nothing to do with me breaking up with him which happened a long time before) but they were both single for all that time before getting together.

Ancientcistern · 18/08/2021 23:00

@CaptSkippy

OP, I recommend you go to Youtube and search for "Can men and women be friends?"
Yes, the source of all reliable knowledge. Hmm
Onthedunes · 19/08/2021 03:13

No get rid op.

It obviously is starting to get to you and that's ok to feel like that.
Some people want the whole package, a partner and best friend rolled into one, no shame.

I know many couples who are number 1 friends to one another and that's what makes it special.
There are just as many men who would not want their partners to have an attractive male best friend.

You don't have to be a 'cool ' partner and have to adapt to his needs.
Do what feels right for you.

Suprima · 19/08/2021 04:05

@Itsnotover is speaking perfect sense.

Unfortunately in the Relationships board, despite having the reputation of being a nest of vipers, any time a woman wants reasonable boundaries or demonstrations of affection, it becomes an absolute race to the bottom of what women should put up with.

“well my Nigel’s best friend is a supermodel and I am happy for them to go to away matches and they are just friends! They stayed in a twin room on a ski trip to morzine because it was cheaper and it was fine because I trust him! She’s not going to fall on his penis! You are being SEXIST!’ Grin

What is the point of being in a relationship if you can’t feel like the most cherished woman in the room? OP’s DP is clearly triangulating her with his friend, which of course is making her feel insecure (which some of you have had much glee in pointing out Hmm)- the in-jokes and you-had-to-be-theres to the extent where she can’t follow the conversation is the height of rudeness.

Some questions if the OP @EmKayEm is about….

  • Are they part of a large mixed group of friends?
  • Does BFF have female friends or is she ‘not like other girls’?
  • Does he take you out for dinner twice a month?
CaptSkippy · 19/08/2021 07:23

@Ancientcistern Did I trigger or a nerve or something? I never claimed it is a source of reliable knowledge.

gannett · 19/08/2021 07:45

[quote Suprima]@Itsnotover is speaking perfect sense.

Unfortunately in the Relationships board, despite having the reputation of being a nest of vipers, any time a woman wants reasonable boundaries or demonstrations of affection, it becomes an absolute race to the bottom of what women should put up with.

“well my Nigel’s best friend is a supermodel and I am happy for them to go to away matches and they are just friends! They stayed in a twin room on a ski trip to morzine because it was cheaper and it was fine because I trust him! She’s not going to fall on his penis! You are being SEXIST!’ Grin

What is the point of being in a relationship if you can’t feel like the most cherished woman in the room? OP’s DP is clearly triangulating her with his friend, which of course is making her feel insecure (which some of you have had much glee in pointing out Hmm)- the in-jokes and you-had-to-be-theres to the extent where she can’t follow the conversation is the height of rudeness.

Some questions if the OP @EmKayEm is about….

  • Are they part of a large mixed group of friends?
  • Does BFF have female friends or is she ‘not like other girls’?
  • Does he take you out for dinner twice a month?[/quote]
Quite the opposite. My perspective is based on what I expect my partner to be happy with when it comes to MY friendships.

I expect my partner to trust me. I do not expect my partner to police who I spend time with or where I spend time with them.

What is this princessy nonsense about being "the most cherished woman in the room"? I know I'm the most cherished woman in DP's life and that's still the case when he wants to talk to another female friend about an interest or history I don't share. I know this because that's how I feel about him and my male friends.

This "not a trace of attraction" thing is funny too. It's fine to acknowledge that you have platonic friends who are objectively good-looking. I'd still shudder at the idea of actually doing anything with them.

Suprima · 19/08/2021 08:01

@gannett So your DP speaks entirely in in-jokes and anecdotes to his female friend to the point where you can’t even follow the conversation? And this is ok? You are a princess if you have a problem with this?

Because this is the point here. I wouldn’t dare treat a friend who was in a group with people they don’t know this way. This is utter triangulation and unkind.

Nowstrong · 19/08/2021 08:27

I haven't read the whole thread. So most probably repeating what others have already written. My best friend is male (I'm female). He is very happily married. I adore his wife. But he is still my best friend. I have my own male companion (we do not live together). There is a difference between friendship and "in love ship". He stays over at my place (alone and in the spare room) when he needs to and when in my area. I sometimes go away on holiday with him and his wife. She is very much younger than him and we go hiking and swimming together (which he hates), and that way he feels less guilty in staying put and reading. There has never been any romantic feelings between us. He is my friend, more like a brother. I don't understand why people are so against male and females being simply friends when one or the other, or both, are in a relationship. Friendship is important too.

gannett · 19/08/2021 08:30

[quote Suprima]@gannett So your DP speaks entirely in in-jokes and anecdotes to his female friend to the point where you can’t even follow the conversation? And this is ok? You are a princess if you have a problem with this?

Because this is the point here. I wouldn’t dare treat a friend who was in a group with people they don’t know this way. This is utter triangulation and unkind.[/quote]
It's more the other way round tbh. When I get together with friends (male and female!) we talk about shared interests, histories, gossip. When DP's been there this has often unintentionally excluded him. My friends and I make more conscious effort not to do that but sometimes don't always succeed because, as is the way of conversation, you sometimes get caught up in an exciting topic. DP feels comfortable enough with me and my friends to say "I don't know who that is/what you're talking about" in a dry and sarcastic manner if we're boring him too much. There is literally no drama involved about any of this. No one is "triangulating" anyone. He has never thought this is unkind, just boring. He's also capable of steering the conversation himself to things he wants to talk about, being a grown adult and all.

Ancientcistern · 19/08/2021 09:01

[quote CaptSkippy]@Ancientcistern Did I trigger or a nerve or something? I never claimed it is a source of reliable knowledge.[/quote]
Of course you never "triggered a nerve". But there's a lot of shite on YouTube.

Flyg · 19/08/2021 09:43

I'm always depressed by the responses to these sorts of threads. Men and women can be friends, I used to have a very close male friend, for about 10 years before he moved away. We went out every single week and used to message during the day (we worked at the same company but in different buildings, so via IM). There was not a hint of anything else between us, i loved him like I love any of my close friends and it would have been horrendous for a new love interest in either of our lives to ask us to walk away from that. I still visit him and his wife and their kids with my kids today, because his wife wasnt so backwards as to think men and women couldnt be friends.

Lookingoutside · 19/08/2021 09:51

Jesus Christ. People do not own each other.

Original poster
EmKayEm · 19/08/2021 09:52

@Suprima

No they are not. Neither of them have many friends, he in particular doesn't really do socialising like that. All sport is gym and running etc.
He doesn't have social media at all. He barely uses a phone except for work.
I don't know a lot about her, she is quite private and also has no social media presence.
Yes, we go out and eat and do stuff.

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 19/08/2021 15:56

@SilverRoe

What are things like generally with your friends and his friends - have you met his friends and has he met yours? And, if so, does this include meeting his best friend? Because seems nothing wrong to me if you’re all able to meet and hang out at times, but if he only sees her 1-1 and you’re never invited to meet her etc then i’d be a little uncomfortable.
I agree, you should be included at least some of the time, otherwise it's weird. But yeah, if they were going to be together they would be by now. Unless both or one have always been in relationships....
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