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Original poster

His best friend is female...

172 replies

EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 13:39

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 17/08/2021 17:33

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.

Nobloat21 · 17/08/2021 17:39

As a pp said, is she nice and friendly towards you? This would say it all for me.

bbgxd · 17/08/2021 17:41

@Touloser

Some of these comments are seriously Hmm

People of the opposite sex can have things in common without having any romantic connection - what a revelation!

I would never be in a relationship where my partner dictated who I could or could not see on the basis of their gender.

Depends. If there's past history (sex- and subsequent attraction) I don't think that's ok. That's just keeping people around, because they're not interested in you.

Opposite sex friends are fine but boundaries are important. You don't need to keep in touch with every woman you've been with. You don't need to be overly touchy when dating another woman- things like that which would realistically make most people uncomfy

Bin85 · 17/08/2021 17:42

Have you met her?
If not ask to.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 17:43

My best friend is a bloke, he is also 12 years older than me, I also really get on with his wife who he married a few years ago. Don't you think if he was going to be romantic at any point and stay involved with his friend it would have already happened. I think you are really narrow minded and if I was your bloke I'd actually tell you to do one.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 17:45

@Susannahmoody

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.
Bullshit. Do you invest in all your frienships with the inevitability of getting a shag? People can be friends without involvement of genitalia!
Rainbows89 · 17/08/2021 17:46

I wouldn’t like it.

My boyfriend does have female friends but not a ‘best friend’.

frozendaisy · 17/08/2021 17:48

If they wanted to "be together" they would be by now.

She might be great fun and a new friend for you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/08/2021 17:48

@Susannahmoody

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.

Uhoh, I'm bisexual - does that mean my partner needs to assume there's a sexual agenda behind all of my friendships?!

frozendaisy · 17/08/2021 17:50

She was there long before you and will be there long after you if you split up.

Your friends might have niggles but there really isn't anything you can or should do about it.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 17:51

Jealousy is such an unattractive trait. If you don't trust someone, don't date them!

peboh · 17/08/2021 17:52

My dh has a female best friend, she no longer lives in our town, however when she did they would often meet up for drinks/food etc. Go to the cinema together, or other things like that. I didn't care. Not all males and females want to sleep together. It's so stupid that we can't just accept things as they are and always have to add a narrative that doesn't exist.

FOJN · 17/08/2021 17:54

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.

Should I stop seeing lesbian friends?

5128gap · 17/08/2021 17:55

I do think there's a difference in a friend and someone you would describe as a best friend. The latter implies a high level of contact and intimacy, including confiding in each other about personal matters and being each other's 'go to' person. All of which provide an excellent basis for a relationship to develop. As the friend is also attractive there are good odds he finds her attractive. I also agree that where men invest heavily in an attractive woman its rarely purely platonic on the man's part. Ex's are different, they know why they split up. I'm afraid the idea that if something was going to happen if would have by now is nonsense. People change, their circumstances change, and countless relationships start as friends and develop into more. Obviously it's not definitely going to happen, but to me it's a risk I'd not be wanting to take. I'm not in the slightest bit insecure, as I wouldn't see if being about me, but about them. I wouldn't dream of asking him to moderate his friendship, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 17:57

It's like these women who wouldn't like it are doing the pick me dance before anything as happening. Telling someone to get rid of what you see as a potential threat wouldn't stop the shagging elsewhere if they were that way inclined, it wouldn't make you hold onto them any better, it's just so illogical.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 18:00

Have you met her? What's she like? Are you having doubts because of what your friends are saying?

If it's completely platonic and always had been I'd not be too bothered. When I got with DP his best friend was a woman and they were really close. We've been together for 8 years - they've grown apart but she's really lovely and has always been really welcoming to me.

If he said he was going out for a drink with her I'd have no concerns at all.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 18:01

@5128gap

I do think there's a difference in a friend and someone you would describe as a best friend. The latter implies a high level of contact and intimacy, including confiding in each other about personal matters and being each other's 'go to' person. All of which provide an excellent basis for a relationship to develop. As the friend is also attractive there are good odds he finds her attractive. I also agree that where men invest heavily in an attractive woman its rarely purely platonic on the man's part. Ex's are different, they know why they split up. I'm afraid the idea that if something was going to happen if would have by now is nonsense. People change, their circumstances change, and countless relationships start as friends and develop into more. Obviously it's not definitely going to happen, but to me it's a risk I'd not be wanting to take. I'm not in the slightest bit insecure, as I wouldn't see if being about me, but about them. I wouldn't dream of asking him to moderate his friendship, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with him.
I have another best friend of 45 years who is female, yes we have an intimacy, it was there all the way through my marriage, but she is more like a sister than a lover as is my male best friend, he is like a brother to me, never a glimpse of anything romantic from either side.
Horriblewoman · 17/08/2021 18:01

Three of my best friends are male. I've been on holiday with them, slept with them in their beds and two of them came to my hen recently.

I'd hate to think that either my boyfriend or their girlfriend would be that insecure they'd worry about our relationship.

Marmelace · 17/08/2021 18:04

@5128gap btw intimacy as in knowing each other and not through bumping jollies 😀

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/08/2021 18:05

You only have to read the many threads on here about OHs who have cheated to realise that preventing a man having female friends doesn’t stop them being unfaithful if they want to be. Men will cheat with colleagues, or they’ll gone onto Tinder, or they’ll look for prostitutes, or they’ll hound around the pub. If you don’t feel you can trust a partner with a female friend, just throw him back, because she’s really the least of your worries.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 18:08

@Susannahmoody

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.
That's not true. Speak for yourself and yourself alone. Don't slur the rest of us with your low standards.

OP, the problem isn't that his best friend is a woman, the problem is that you don't trust him.

One of my best friends is a bloke. His partner is lovely too and I'm going to their wedding next month. It really isn't always something sinister or secret. Plenty of others on the thread saying the same.

Have a look at what reasons you have not to trust him, rather than looking at the sex of his friends. After all, there will always be women in the world.

Clusterfckintolerant · 17/08/2021 18:13

My closest friend is the opposite sex. I see him as family, like the brother I never had. We've known each other over 30 years. I'm married and my DH has no problem with it. My friend is more recently married however his wife's behaviour towards me is firmly unpleasant, for this reason.

To us, it comes down to trust. DH trusts me. Friend's wife either doesn't trust him which is poor enough, or thinks so little of him that he would be be manipulated out of his vows by me, apparently virgin marriage-wrecker in waiting. Yeah, it's not adult behaviour, it's offensive to him as well as me and my DH.

Trust your chap or don't and end it, but don't be her.

purplecrown · 17/08/2021 18:31

This is quite sad. They're two adults who are friends and presumably have been for a long time.

If a partner tried to tell me who I can be friends with and enforced "rules" for where or when I can see those friends, I would see that as unhealthy behaviour and end the relationship.

EmotionalSupportBear · 17/08/2021 18:32

There was a thread recently where a female poster was complaining about her male friends disappearing when they got new girlfriends.. this is another full of women who clearly cannot trust their men.

It boils down to this.
You don't go into a relationship with someone and try to get rid of his friends, if you don't trust him, forget it and break it off.

lyntheyresexpeople · 17/08/2021 18:33

My best friend is male, I've known him quite literally all my life as our parents are best friends and we are the same age. We go for dinner, see each other whenever and are very close. He also gets on fantastically with my Dh and was a groomsman at our wedding. There is absolutely nothing even slightly romantic about our relationship- the thought makes me feel ill quite frankly. It is extremely possible to just be friends with the opposite sex, and it's a shame that so many partners are so insecure that they have an issue with it.

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