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Original poster

His best friend is female...

172 replies

EmKayEm · 17/08/2021 13:39

Been dating/seeing a guy for about 8 months.
He is lovely, funny, caring and we get on really well.
But.
His best friend is female.
They have known each other for years, and are very close.
She is single, no children, and very attractive.
They spend quite a bit of time together, and I don't think anything untoward about it, but several of my friends do.

I have raised it with him in a roundabout way, and his response is that he doesn't see a problem.

But they got out for dinner a couple of times a month and it is starting to get to me a bit.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 17/08/2021 18:38

@Susannahmoody

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.
I've been friends with my male friend for 36yrs, he has been married for 17yrs and I've been with my dh for 22yrs. This is a long fucking game we're unwittingly playing.

Sorry to disappoint you mate but some of us enjoy friendships on a level beyond hoping for a random shag. Unbelievable I know. You should try it some time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/08/2021 18:38

@Susannahmoody

No way does any adult invest that much in a friendship without hoping that one day a surreptitious shag will be on the agenda. There has to be a point to it all. From either her or him.
If this reflects your attitude and motivation to friends of the opposite sex then all I can say is that I tip my hat off to your dedication and commitment to an end game. I’ve known my best friend for almost two decades: the idea that I’ve spent all that time going on bike rides, accompanying him to the theatre, helping him house hunt, visiting stately homes, taking British holidays in the pouring rain, and enduring some of the most opaque opera performances I’ve seen in my life, all with a very distant end goal in mind of one day revealing it’s all been a lure so that we can eventually shag is, quite frankly, tiring enough in thought alone to make me feel like I need a lie down.

I can go on Tinder any day of the week and find myself a shag within a couple of hours which, whilst I adore my friend and his company until kingdom come, would ultimately be a far, far easier prospect.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 19:01

@ShowOfHands

This is a long fucking game we're unwittingly playing

Made me laugh! Grin

allfurcoatnoknickers · 17/08/2021 19:05

DH has a close female friend from uni - there's a big gang of them who are still in touch, but she lives close to us, so he sees her most often. Never occurred to me to be worried. It's been years! If they were going to shag they would have done so by now. I quite happily wave them off to deadly dull sports matches together Grin. They also fly together on big group ski trips - they once had to share a bunk bed for a night in a ski lodge. Rather her than me TBH.

He has another female friend who he actually used to go out with years ago. However, she has a really really hot husband. She traded DH (dead ringer for Jason Biggs) in for a 6'2 Venezuelan with a 6 pack. I'm impressed, but not worried if they want to hang out together.

AllBellyandBoobs · 17/08/2021 19:15

My best mate is male, he was my first real boyfriend 30 odd years ago. We have been through so much together since then: broken relationships, the death of parents, depression, a breakdown... I wouldn't let a new relationship get in the way of our friendship and neither would he. Fortunately my husband and his partner welcomed our friendship and didn't see it as anything threatening.

todaysdilemma · 17/08/2021 20:49

For me it depends on how inclusive of you the friendship is. Do they make an effort to include you occasionally, does she make an effort to get to know you and is friendly and welcoming to you?

Or does she pretend you don't exist, and can only be around your bf without you? Is she accepting of the fact that as your relationship grows you will always be the priority, and certain aspects of their friendship will change? Btw this is unrelated to her gender, and I'd consider these questions of a same sex friend too. However, sometimes human beings can treat friendships like romantic relationships (to fill a gap) and can resent the other person moving on without them.

My bf had a female best friend who fell in the second category. I tried to befriend her but she was rude to my face, passive aggressive if he wasn't at her beck and call, would ignore me if I was hanging out with them, refused to even acknowledge me as his gf etc. Even though for a year they hung out frequently together with no interference from me - so it wasn't like I monopolised his time even. However, as our relationship grew, he got fed up of her attitude and they naturally drifted apart. It caused damage for us though, as her constant negative energy and spitefulness really drained me. I wouldn't tolerate a year of that again, and would advise anyone else to not either.

So don't judge her for being female, judge her for how she treats you. She may be a lovely person and you could form a great friendship with her too. So make an effort to get to know her. But if she makes you unwelcome, tries to cause problems between you and acts like you don't exist - then I would talk to him. Whatever you do, don't force yourself to be uncomfortable with a situation where you aren't. There is no right way to feel - trust your instincts.

Lucyccfc68 · 17/08/2021 21:03

I have a very good friend, who I have known for over 30 years. We met through our love of football. I was there when he met the lovely woman he married. We went to each other’s weddings, our families all know each other, our kids know each other. She can be a bit jealous of him with other women, but not with me, as she absolutely knows we are just really good friends. I love them both to bits.

I spent my 50th birthday where they live - had a meal with his wife and then went off on a pub crawl with him and his mates later on.

Just arranged to go and stay with them next week and went away with them both at the weekend.

I really value my friendship with him and am grateful that his wife is also a good friend and never had any issue with our friendship.

You need to ignore the pathetic and immature people who are making you think their friendship is wrong. Just remember that you have only been on the scene for a short length of time, where as she is a long standing friend.

Brimorion · 17/08/2021 21:11

@EarthSight

He has the right to be best friends with a woman, but you also have the right to define what kind of relationship you want to be in, and what kind of people and complexities you bring into your life.

Do you really want to be with a man who seems to have two women in his life instead of one? A might who might divulge all the details of your relationship to the other woman because they're best friends?

But would divulge no such ‘details’ to a male best friend, because a male best friend would just want to grunt and talk about the footie? Hmm
EarthSight · 17/08/2021 21:22

Some of these comments are so funny.

'BUT I've been friends with my male best friend for years!!! I'm not attracted to him at all!!!!'

Yeah.....maybe you're not......but that's you. Your friend might feel differently about you.

EarthSight · 17/08/2021 21:25

No @Brimorion , but don't you think it might be a bit strange him having such intimacy with another woman? Sometimes men do need someone to share such details with and it doesn't mean there are feelings there, but if there is a sustained, very close friendship, and if the friend is maybe attractive too, then I think a woman has every right to feel uncomfortable with that.

Mpsister · 17/08/2021 21:29

My two best friends are male. I trust them both implicitly. They're friends, there's nothing more to it. If you trust this man, I don't see the problem

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/08/2021 21:33

@EarthSight

No *@Brimorion* , but don't you think it might be a bit strange him having such intimacy with another woman? Sometimes men do need someone to share such details with and it doesn't mean there are feelings there, but if there is a sustained, very close friendship, and if the friend is maybe attractive too, then I think a woman has every right to feel uncomfortable with that.
Anyone has the right to feel uncomfortable with anything and to make decisions eg ending a relationship with someone based on those boundaries.

But you're laughing at people saying they have friends of the opposite sex they don't want to shag, essentially saying well they might want to shag you.

You do realise that someone else wanting to have sex with you doesn't make it happen, yes?

I'm completely happy and in love with my partner. I'm also bisexual. Am I not allowed to have friends (god forbid, attractive ones) of either sex without it being inappropriate or asking for trouble?

drpet49 · 17/08/2021 21:37

* If they wanted to be together they would be.*

^This.

Freddy12 · 17/08/2021 21:59

Probably all fine if they have been friends for years why would he ditch a good friend
Have you met her?

chipsandgin · 17/08/2021 21:59

My best friend of over 30 years is male - neither of us ever fancied each other (shouldn’t need that disclaimer, but clearly do having read some of the responses!). We’ve been on many holidays, lived together in a shared house as teens, he now lives abroad. I’ve visited regularly both alone and with DH & kids.

My best friend is also very close to my DH (of 20 years). Our friendship is not weird, or improper - he’s just a really good friend, we get each other & we’ve been through and supported each other through the years. He also can always make me laugh & I know I can say anything and discuss anything with him & get a rational and helpful perspective.

Thankfully DH never had an issue with this or I suspect we wouldn’t have ended up together (I had a couple of boyfriends in my 20’s who were jealous/weird about my male friends & ditched them swiftly!). My other long term boyfriend who I was with for 8 years when I was younger is also still great friends with both me, my best friend & DH.

All in all I guess none of us judge each other nor form/maintain friendships based on the contents of our underwear. It always makes me a bit sad to read the misconceptions about male/female friendships on MN & it doesn’t mirror my real life experience at all.

I also have incredible female friends & value them enormously. I don’t however trust men or women who have exclusively same sex friends - I think the implication of that is that they only view the opposite sex as potential sexual partners - which is a dangerous and ridiculous way of thinking IMO (& it’s where the ‘well they obviously fancy you, there’s no such thing as platonic friends’ bollocks comes from - it’s pure projection from people who can only see the opposite sex in a sexualised way...sad really).

chipsandgin · 17/08/2021 22:03

(all in all OP what I was trying to say was don’t worry - it’s a good thing he doesn’t see all women as potential conquests & shows he’s not a macho ‘lads lads lads’ type dickhead! Make sure you meet & make friends with her too - the only time it’s a red flag is if he doesn’t want you to do that)

seensome · 18/08/2021 00:28

I wouldn't like it, if there's any problems in your relationship in the future, she's the one he confides in and her advice or sticking her nose in may cause you to feel differently, and it will happen whether you know about it or not. I think the fact it's another woman to a man confiding to another man for advice I wouldn't like.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2021 00:31

If you can't accept a relationship that predates you, that's fine. You dont have to tolerate anything that you don't like. But that means ending your relationship not bullying him into dumping his friend

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2021 00:35

@EarthSight

Some of these comments are so funny.

'BUT I've been friends with my male best friend for years!!! I'm not attracted to him at all!!!!'

Yeah.....maybe you're not......but that's you. Your friend might feel differently about you.

And?

If my male friends are secretly crushing on me, that's their hard luck. DH has to trust ME and MY feelings. No one else's. If they tried it on they'd be told to bugger off and it would change our friendship going forward. Nothing in that should mean DH shouldn't be ok with my friendships

sykadelic · 18/08/2021 00:39

If she's single then they COULD be together, but they're not. He's with you. If there was something there, it would just be, but again, it's not, he's with you.

Your friends are stirring trouble where there isn't any.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2021 00:40

They've known eachother for years so I think its fine....he cant hang over at her house on their own. So its fine but of their alone in her house they'll probably fuck anyway? Just don't be in a relationship with someone you trust so littlem. Far easier

IdblowJonSnow · 18/08/2021 00:45

I've been on holiday w male friends and there has been zero attraction. We even had to share a bed (gasp) a few times - mix up with rooms - no dramas.

If they don't flirt or have inappropriate boundaries then stop worrying.

And tell your mates to stop shit stirring!

YellowMonday · 18/08/2021 00:55

I'm the female friend in this exact situation! My best friend and I grew up together, have known him from the day I was born. Having huge issues with his new girlfriend who can't stand me. My friend is about to end the relationship over it (I've not said a word about it).

Apparently she gets very jealous when we catch up, to the point that she has sent me messages over it. Very awkward.

To be honest, at times it looks like my friend and I have chemistry (has been commented on by family/friends), but it's just because our friendship is so good. If we wanted to be together it would have happened by now!

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 18/08/2021 01:09

My best friend is male... If some bloke tried getting between us he'd be told where to go. And BF has indeed had to tell a few girlfriends to do one.
I look at him the same way as I do my brother, is a completely different relationship to the one I have with my partner.

therocinante · 18/08/2021 01:16

@EarthSight

He has the right to be best friends with a woman, but you also have the right to define what kind of relationship you want to be in, and what kind of people and complexities you bring into your life.

Do you really want to be with a man who seems to have two women in his life instead of one? A might who might divulge all the details of your relationship to the other woman because they're best friends?

Do you have a rule that men can only have one significant woman in their life?

That'd be inconvenient for a man who had e.g. a mother and a wife. Or a wife and daughter. Mother and female cousin...

Find it very very odd that people would be so opposed to their partner having friends just because of their gender - if it was because he is attracted to women generally, what do gay or bi people do? And if it's not that, what possible reason can there be?