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Original poster

Lazy waster boyfriend

154 replies

dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 09:04

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

OP posts:
MrsG30 · 15/08/2021 09:07

I would pack up the car and go - how he deals with the fallout from his lazy ways is non of your concern.

I’m also concerned that you feel trapped, he reacted that way last time to trap you on purpose.

Pack up and leave, and let his family deal with the mess.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2021 09:13

How can you live like that? What kind of example is he to your daughter? How can you have any respect for him at all?

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 15/08/2021 09:13

I couldn't live with this. And please don't feel obliged to stay with him because of fears for what he might do. His mental health is his responsibility and his alone.

TheSandgroper · 15/08/2021 09:15

Yes. If it’s your car, pack it and go. When you get home change the locks.

Your life, your rules.

Beamur · 15/08/2021 09:16

You aren't responsible for him. It's obviously upsetting to see him in such a state when you break up but you can't put your life on hold to protect him from himself.
Split up and move on.

Unanananana · 15/08/2021 09:18

God, run woman and take your DD with you. You need to protect her from dross like him. You sound like you have your shit together so thats a relief.

Lies in constantly, lazy, doesn't/won't work or study and goes 'on the sick'? What exactly is attractive about him?

Women are not rehabs for men.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2021 09:19

Indeed pack up the car and go.

You left him once and you can do so again, this time do not take him back. You are not responsible for his mental health or state of mind.

I would also consider therapy to determine exactly why you chose this individual to be your boyfriend these last 4 years. He was never a project/fixer upper nor yours to rescue and or save and perhaps you thought being with you or your love could "change" him into being a "better person".

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2021 09:21

Would you want your DD as an adult to be in a relationship with such man?.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. What did you learn?.

Also consider if you are codependent in relationships; why have his needs here seemingly been more important than yours.

TimeFlying · 15/08/2021 09:22

Yep to all of the above. For me the clue was the bit about starting studying and then bailing. Don't make excuses for him. You deserve better

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/08/2021 09:24

OP, do you have the cure for Bi-polar disorder? I don't THINK you do, which means you can't do anything about his bi-polar disorder.

If you end the relationship you can focus on yourself, your DD and your business. Imagine what you could achieve if you channeled all your energy into that, instead of into him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/08/2021 09:24

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

Why is that your fault?

layladomino · 15/08/2021 09:59

His laziness is not your fault. His illness is not your fault. You don't hold the cure. You should never stay with someone out of guilt or because of fear of what they will do if you leave.

I can fully understand why you would be questionning being in a relationship with this man - he's turned laziness in to an art form. He has let you down again. He is laying in bed while you are spending the day with his family, when he told you he wouldn't do that again. What does he bring to the relationship? How does he make you happy and your life better?

If you decide to split (and I think I would in your shoes) then what happens afterwards is not your doing. He is a grown adult with his own agency, his own decisions. You can't stay with someone out of guilt - that isn't fair on either of you.

I suspect his family know how difficult he can be, and would completely understand (if that is part of what's bothering you). It may be a good time now, when they have seen first hand what he's like as a boyfriend, for you to confide in one of them (if you feel close enough to do so) and explain that you can't keep living how you are living, and you have to put your daughter first, and your r'ship with him is too draining and taking too much of your attention away from your DD. You don't have to explain anything of course, but if it would make you feel better then now is a good time.

Then, if you have any residual guilty feelings, you at least know that his family is pre-warned, in case he does what he did last time.

Please put you and your DD first. If you stick around, your DD will see a pretty skewed idea of a relationship, where one person works hard and the other lays in bed and can't be bothered to do anything.

AustinPowerful · 15/08/2021 10:14

You and your daughter deserve so much better than this.

His illness and how he reacts you you ending the relationship is not something you are responsible for.

LostSocksBrigade · 15/08/2021 10:17

The first thing I want to say is that if you're not happy in the relationship you should leave, regardless of the reason why or his mental health. You absolutely deserve to have your needs met.

But I also want to answer as a fellow single parent and partner of someone with type 2 bipolar. It's really hard. I completely relate with everything you've said. But there are some things to unpack here because he isn't neurotypical, so applying the things you'd expect of a neurotypical person aren't completely fair either.

My partner also struggles with sleep, it's a combination of the side effects of the many meds he takes for his bipolar/depression and depression itself. He also struggles with studying etc because he finds it hard to juggle everything at once.
His family understand because they will have lived through every manic or explosive episode, every suicidal moment etc and are probably well read on everything bipolar. Are you? It really does change everything. He just doesn't and can't think like you and when he tells you he'll be present he means it, but he probably needs a bit more help to get that done. He can't just do it out of love just because you ask, it's a two way support system. Helping each other so you both get what you want. It sounds like he's floundering, he needs to establish a routine. Having something that he does first thing in the morning can be a good way to start a morning routine, like going for a walk, waking him up with a drink etc.
My partner is far from balanced right now, he has outbursts and sleeps a lot because he struggles to fall asleep, and when he does its like his brain doesn't actually turn off so he doesn't feel rested. That means he sleeps a lot, but it's not his fault.

Being in a relationship with someone with needs like his isn't going to be easy and ultimately you need to decide if you can do it or not. There's no shame in walking away. But if you stay please educate yourself on bipolar, there's so much more to it than just taking the medication and calling him a lazy waster is very harsh. I get it, I've felt that same frustration too and I have to remind myself to be mad at the condition and not the person because he suffers from it too.

Opentooffers · 15/08/2021 10:19

He's this and that, but at the end of the day, you're choosing him to be with. Chose not to, then problem solved, you don't even live together, should be easy. As far as his MH is concerned, you are not responsible for it or him. If he's bipolar, its a permanent condition, do you really want to be managing his illness for him forever? That would not help either of you.

LividLaVidaLoca · 15/08/2021 10:19

You aren’t responsible for his mental illness.

You ARE responsible for your daughter.

Leave today, while he’s with family.

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2021 10:30

Leave. He sounds like a total waste of space.

Windmillwhirl · 15/08/2021 10:30

He's an adult nit snither child you havevto mind and mage. You are right, you deserve better. Believe it and act on it x

Windmillwhirl · 15/08/2021 10:31

Not another*

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 10:34

He's unmedicated. He collects his prescriptions, but just puts the tablets in the cupboard.

His mum has gone out to collect his birthday cake.

I've just been crying and crying.

I asked him to get out of bed and he said that I just can't respect his need for sleep.

I said he's known for days we were coming here. He doesn't work. He could have been tested before.

I did a lot of research on bipolar 2. I bought books. I even met with two psychiatrists (with boyfriend present).

I've sorted out his flat. Made sure he has food. Tried to not put pressure on him.

He takes "legal highs". Microdosing? CBD tabasco (or something like that - he says it's not weed).

He gets incapacity benefit, social housing.

I don't know what to do.

He just tried to give me a hug, but I don't feel up to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 10:36

*rested
*tobacco

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 15/08/2021 10:36

Christ, just leave.
Why are you exposing your DD to such a waste of space of a man??

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 15/08/2021 10:42

LostSocksBrigade that’s a great insight for us all.
Ultimately OP you have you and your daughter to consider. If this is really not working for you, leave. His family are there to support him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2021 10:42

You’re not trapped. Your daughter is as she literally has no choice. Please put her first.

chorizoTapas · 15/08/2021 10:43

Is the car yours? If so, pack up and go

If it's not yours, can you call a family member or friend to come and get you?

He's a any time waster. Why put yourself and more importantly your dd through this. Just leave and let him suffer the consequences and his family can pick up the pieces