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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lazy waster boyfriend

154 replies

dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 09:04

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

OP posts:
Luannee · 15/08/2021 10:43

Oh god. Get rid of him.

Never ever ever let him move into your home.

Crazycrazylady · 15/08/2021 10:48

Honestly Op. you need to think about your daughter here. Pack your car and leave. Sounds like you have it totally together in every other part of your life. Fix this bit as well.

titchy · 15/08/2021 10:56

When your dd is older, this is the sort of man she will choose for her partner - you have modelled that as normal for her.

How will you feel about your dd's partner? Happy for her?

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 10:58

It's true. You're all right.

OP posts:
Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 11:01

I have to find a way to do this.

His mum is back with the cake and Champagne. She's started cooking lunch. I can't do it now.

But I do need to do it. I really really do.

OP posts:
GammyLeg · 15/08/2021 11:02

Posters up thread have already given you good advice - his needs seem to be trumping those of you and your daughter. That isn’t right. Put yourselves first. You simply can’t be held hostage by his mental health - the long term affect on you and your DC will be horrendous.

WildfirePonie · 15/08/2021 11:03

Pack your car now and leave.

God damnit, this loser is dragging you down!

He is 100% not your problem!

Go now! Free yourself!

bigbaggyeyes · 15/08/2021 11:11

You 100% can do it. Pack up the car and leave. Don't worry about being rude, he has no problem being rude so why should you be bothered. You'll never see him Mum , or family again so just go and enjoy the rest of the weekend with your dd

Happymama24 · 15/08/2021 11:12

Tell him he has 5 mins to get out of bed or you will be driving yourself and your daughter home...if he does get out of bed, let him know that when you leave there today, you will no longer be in a relationship.
I would also just let his family know that you will no longer be with him, moving forward you and him are no longer a couple. That way they can look out for him needing help after the break up and the burden will be on them, not you!

aerosocks · 15/08/2021 11:22

I don't know what to do

Oh yes you do really, don't you?

You need to end this hopeless relationship immediately.

Tallisimo · 15/08/2021 11:24

I would not be able to continue on this path. You’ve tried. But he isn’t your responsibility. I’d be ending the relationship, such as it is, and moving on.

Grimsknee · 15/08/2021 11:31

As is often said here, Women are not rehab facilities for men.

Popetthetreehugger · 15/08/2021 11:32

This is perfect timing, his family think you have it covered . Tell them that from this day forward, you don’t . If you were my DD and your DD my GD I would be putting out the bunting if you left him … now … today … you can do this and you must for your child 💐💐💐💐

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 11:34

How can you respect a man like this and surely you have more self respect than this? He adds nothing to your life. Time to evict him.

Isthisit22 · 15/08/2021 11:35

This is the right time to do it as he has family support.
You've given so much to someone who just takes and takes.
Out your daughter first and leave this awful man.

Goodthings · 15/08/2021 11:39

If you were single, I would say get on with it if you want to. As you have a young daughter, you should end it ASAP.

justthecat · 15/08/2021 11:39

Pull his mum to one side and tell her thanks but your leaving, then go.

StopGo · 15/08/2021 11:54

Stop being such a mug, find your self respect and start putting your child first.

Pack your bags, get in the car and leave. Then ask yourself why you've put this man's wants before your child's needs and rights.

TowandaForever · 15/08/2021 12:20

You sure he's being truthful about the benefits? Incapacity benefit doesn't exist any more?

Lysianthus · 15/08/2021 12:29

In the kindest possible way, you DO need to leave now. His family can deal with the fallout. You deserve better, as does your dd. Good luck 💐

averythinline · 15/08/2021 12:31

Leave him with his family there....hopefully they will help him help himself...no one can do it for him.....you are not his mother.... you are not helping him you're enabling him....this is not healthy for either of you and very very damaging for your daughter.....
Please leave and maybe get some counselling to help you understand why you got into this relationship/position...I would recommend the freedom programme as well....

larkstar · 15/08/2021 12:35

@dizzylizzy08

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

You sound amazing but this is not fair and clearly he is not a good match for you. What he does after you "let him go" is not your responsibility.
FinallyHere · 15/08/2021 12:36

Absolutely, when his family surround him with birthday wishes, cake and champagne is absolutely the perfect time to run away.

The only person keeping you there is you.

It's not fair to your daughter to stay enmeshed with him. Get your stuff, DD, jump in the car while everyone is busy and get out of there.

Good luck. Things will be a lot clearer once you get yourself away.

Staying is no way for you and your DD to live. All the best.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/08/2021 12:40

I wouldn't walk out on his birthday tbh, that seems a bit mean. Grin and bear it for the day, be grateful for the lesson.

And tomorrow start to prioritise your daughter - only bringing respectful responsible people into her life & model good relationships for her.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/08/2021 12:45

OP get in that car with your stuff now and leave - half way through lunch and never go back.
His mental health is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
His family put up with it because they don't want him losing it and being sectioned so they just go with the flow. You don't have to.
Give your head a wobble:
You don't deserve this.
Your daughter doesn't deserve this.
He is not your problem.
Go home and get yourself a life, extricate yourself from this shit without a 2nd thought. you are not responsible for him.