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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lazy waster boyfriend

154 replies

dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 09:04

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

OP posts:
CirqueDeMorgue · 15/08/2021 15:30

He's unwell and these are the responses? Wow.

something2say · 15/08/2021 15:31

Aha. Your weight is giving you low self esteem. Your mother started a pattern which you are repeating. And he seemed good at the start. He had plans and there was no reason for you to doubt them.

But now you can see the truth.

Me, I'd wait until the holiday is over, go home, unpack separately and then go see him at his place and break up then. Take his stuff and collect any of your stuff then.

Then, unpick that pattern and do a health kick maybe?

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/08/2021 15:31

His family know you take the brunt of the caring and keeping him occupied and therefor they don’t have too.

I would also leave whilst he has family there.

When are you due to leave?

How far is home?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 15:32

@CirqueDeMorgue

He's unwell and these are the responses? Wow.
The op is not responsible for his mental health issues. HTH.
BluebellsGreenbells · 15/08/2021 15:32

The other thing is, whilst your are occupied with this man, you aren’t looking for anything better are you?

In fact you’d be better off on your own.

CirqueDeMorgue · 15/08/2021 15:34

@Aquamarine1029 tell me where I said she was? It's quite blatantly the responses I'm questioning. HTH. Smile

Orgasmagorical · 15/08/2021 15:46

But because he knows I'm not impressed, he pretends every year he's going to get more qualified. He has a masters, but needs more to be a chartered accountant. He's never really worked though. It's all total bullshit.

Do you see the pattern? - giving just a little bit "I'll get more qualified" to keep you hanging on hopefully then taking it all away - carrying on as he is. As I said, it's working for him, why would he change? Maybe he's ill, maybe he isn't, it's amazing how often mental illness is used as an excuse for abuse and just plain old bad behaviour.

He is not your responsibility, OP, you and your daughter are. You are both worth so much more than trailing round after this, as you quite rightly called him, waster.

AustinPowerful · 15/08/2021 15:50

Even more reason to leave if he's not even trying to manage his condition- sounds like you drove the psych visits, he's been prescribed meds but doesn't take them, he takes 'legal highs' (from experience I would suggest they're not legal or helpful to his condition)....,,,,

He needs to help himself but has no reason to - the state pays him enough to support his current lifestyle, you do everything else and there are no consequences for him for behaving this way.

Leave him, if only for your daughter's sake - or she will think he is what women settle for in a partner and I Know you wouldn't want this for her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 16:06

@CirqueDeMorgue

He's unwell and these are the responses? Wow.
He refuses to take medication despite having been sectioned in the past when his mental health was at a low.

OP should prioritise her daughters wellbeing and security, not teach her that a diagnosis makes it acceptable for someone to treat their partner poorly and refuse to engage with medical support.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

Twobigsapphires · 15/08/2021 16:42

If you leave now you are still plenty young enough to have a great life with someone else if you wish and your daughter is young enough to not even remember this waster and your relationship.
Don’t leave it another 10 years where your confidence will be shot to pieces and your teenage dd will resent the life you have dealt her with this poor man in tow.
God forbid another 20 years where you’ll deem it too late to find another love/better life and your dd will either be no contact worth you / ashamed of your life partner choices or even worse will be married to a man the same.
Seriously, get out now. Cut your losses, learn from it and enjoy the life you have built for yourself and your future.

gamerchick · 15/08/2021 16:52

See the day out, go and pack on the sly bit by bit. When he won't get up in the morning, take your kid and go home.

What happens after that isn't your problem. He's a dead weight.

Fustyoldface · 15/08/2021 17:15

So mental health makes people losers now. Nice. Regardless of mental health you can just end it how you would with someone else, face to face and not on his birthday and bearing in mind his illness, with kindness. What more is there to say.

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 17:20

I've started sly packing. His father is leaving tonight for work and leaving the mum and brother here for the week without transport (the their holiday place). If I go in the morning (too shaky at moment to manage a 3 hour drive), he'd be stranded here.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/08/2021 17:24

@dizzylizzy08

Yeah, my mother put up with an abusive alcoholic. She's a headstrong businesswoman... so it makes no sense really. They finally split up when I was 20, but I knew he was a wrong'un from about 6 years old.
Break the cycle.
Keepitonthedownlow · 15/08/2021 17:25

I don't see why the OP has to do a dramatic fleeing. The poor guy is ill. Just tell him at some point that the relationship is over.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 15/08/2021 17:33

@dizzylizzy08

I've started sly packing. His father is leaving tonight for work and leaving the mum and brother here for the week without transport (the their holiday place). If I go in the morning (too shaky at moment to manage a 3 hour drive), he'd be stranded here.
Him being stranded isn't your problem. Leave when you are ready but make sure you do leave. You know he is no good for you and he's not setting a good example for your daughter.

Your earlier post mentions your weight and I'm not sure if you're saying that you being overweight is stopping you from wanting/finding a better quality man? If so, you'll probably find that once you get rid of this waste of space and are in a happier place, you might end up losing some weight anyway.

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2021 18:07

He's unwell and these are the responses? Wow

The poor guy is ill

Well, fuck me, but why do some people see mh issues as an excuse to treat people/partners like shit/emotional punching bags? What a load of absolute shit.

MzHz · 15/08/2021 18:11

Get up and get gone, he’s with his parents, let them enable him

He’s not your responsibility

MzHz · 15/08/2021 18:11

@dizzylizzy08

I've started sly packing. His father is leaving tonight for work and leaving the mum and brother here for the week without transport (the their holiday place). If I go in the morning (too shaky at moment to manage a 3 hour drive), he'd be stranded here.
Good for you!!
Seesawmummadaw · 15/08/2021 18:16

You aren’t his nurse.

Show your daughter how strong you are. At the moment you are showing her that it’s ok to be treated poorly. Set an example.

SixesAndEights · 15/08/2021 18:16

I don't know what to do.

You pack up your stuff and you and your daughter leave.

And when he comes round looking like a tramp you phone his father and then leave them to it. If he threatens suicide phone the police to deal with him.

Seesawmummadaw · 15/08/2021 18:20

@CirqueDeMorgue

He's unwell and these are the responses? Wow.
What do you want op to do?

He’s unwell but won’t take medication. Self medicates with drugs and uses his mental ill health to keep her from leaving.

Op staying with him because he’s unwell is crueler than leaving.

Orgasmagorical · 15/08/2021 19:04

@dizzylizzy08

I've started sly packing. His father is leaving tonight for work and leaving the mum and brother here for the week without transport (the their holiday place). If I go in the morning (too shaky at moment to manage a 3 hour drive), he'd be stranded here.
Not your problem, lovely. I hope your evening and night are uneventful and that you get away safely tomorrow and have a pleasant drive home Flowers
isthismylifenow · 15/08/2021 19:05

@dizzylizzy08

I've started sly packing. His father is leaving tonight for work and leaving the mum and brother here for the week without transport (the their holiday place). If I go in the morning (too shaky at moment to manage a 3 hour drive), he'd be stranded here.
How long were you meant to stay for?

I am sure his mum and brother have sorted out some arrangements if they need to go anywhere, is stranded the correct term.

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 19:08

I was supposed to stay until Wednesday.

OP posts: